Ex was staring at me?

[Mahalo]

Hey guys,

Thanks for reading this. My ex and I were together for three months (not that long, but I really like him) and we broke up a week ago.

When we met, I wasn't really into him. I'm a bartender and he would go out of his way to pursue me: cleaning up my glasses, sit at the bar and ask me questions, stuff like that. I never met a guy who put in so much effort and I liked it, so when he asked me out, I thought: well, why not? He turned out to be really sweet: he cooked, we talked for hours, he wanted to be with me day and night. At first, I thought it was a bad idea to see each other that much, but he kept asking to see me. So I saw him every day and I fell in love - hard.

At first, things were fine. But then some trouble occured. Those problems are (to keep it accessible):

1. I'm a romantic. I'm affectionate (not in public that much, but when we're alone, I love to hug, kiss and tell him how I feel). He's more of a stoic: he doesn't feel that need to be physical and verbal all the time. To him, watching Netflix together is the apex of romance.

2. He hangs out with his friends five nights a week. We would hang out during the day or he would bring me with his friends. I like his friends and we get along, but I said I wanted date night once a week, alone with him, even if that means just hanging out at his/my place. To be able to see him, I started adjusting my agenda to his - a big, big mistake. He told me that I have my own life and friends, that I shouldn't adjust. But I shamefully admit that I did. I also started feeling jealous of his friends.

3. When we were together, after a while he would sit with his phone, turn on the tv, sit behind his laptop or iPad. We wouldn't talk anymore. I asked him about this: he said that he just doesn't feel like talking all the time, we see each other every day and things are fine. Don't worry, he said.

4. After a while, we stopped having sex. We were all over each other at first, but at the end it was more like once a week. This is where I really started to panic (again, wrong!) and I asked him if he even loved me, if he didn't think that I was attractive. He said that we've had two months of being really physical and that after that peak of sexuality, he just felt less sexual. Don't worry, he said again.

We were at a party of some friends of mine and they wanted to go out and go dancing. He hates that and never ever came with us. I never pressured him to, but this night I asked him: "I know you don't like going out, but I do and I like you... So could you maybe make an exception, once?" He got mad and we went home. There, I half-heartedly broke up with him, because of the things I mentioned. He didn't agree, he said that we were good together and that there were differences, but that everything would be fine. I left, went back to the party and felt awful. Later I got a text, saying that I was sweet and that he wanted to see me again.

Because of his sweet text, his objections and my feelings for him, I started having doubts and decided that I did want to give it another go. So we got together last week and watched Netflix (ofcourse). Suddenly he said that I didn't need to think that we were getting back together in the future because we were having fun now. He said that there were too many differences, that there was too much pressure on a relationship of three months, that he just wanted to hang out with his friends without having to worry about me. He preferred to be single. But, he said, maybe we could cool off for two or three weeks and hang out then. Not to be boyfriend-and-girlfriend, but for fun. I said no, that I wasn't going to wait and that I needed to get over him, so that I didn't want any contact.

So we haven't had contact since.

Except for when he showed up at the bar again. He wasn't there just for me, he and his friends have a regular night and I had a shift then. I didn't want to show him how awful I felt. So I ignored him. I looked great (I made sure of that!). I acted bubbly and fun, as a bartender should. And he just kept staring at me all night long. We didn't talk, but he cleaned the glasses again, like he did in the beginning. When he left, we had eye contact that lasted like ten seconds - it felt like forever.

What does his staring mean? Does he still like me? I want him back, even though I know that we're different and it won't be easy. If I can still get him back, how do I do that?

Thanks,
Mahalo

P.S. It was serious. I met his parents and grandparents, we said 'I love you' (and he said it first), I had the key to his house. We even did each others laundry. (Maybe we did go too fast...)

[Wakeup]

Do not have sex with him if he doesn't ask you back to be his exclusive girlfriend... if it even comes to that.

If you have sex with him thinking that that is an indication that he wants a relationship with you then you will get shredded when he doesn't come through.

Stay zero contact. He knows where to find you if he has changed his mind. If he does contact you to try again then you best make sure that you take him back so that its more on your terms because last time it was all on his terms and you lost yourself over it.

You need to learn to be strong and independent and not give up yourself to anyone like you did him. You can still love someone and you can actually expect consideration, respect and focus. Thing is, you need to hone your personal boundaries so that who you love knows that they could lose you if they are being an asshole to you. You'll never find someone decent if you let people treat you terribly and stay to accept more. People will lose respect for you when you allow them to treat you with indifference.

Next time if someone isn't treating you well then don't just accept "it will be fine" or "it's okay" tell them your needs and expectation and if they can't meet them after knowing exactly what they are then get rid of them so you don't waste the time it will take to find someone who can.

The key is to know what you want/need and to not accept anything less. You need to change your mind-frame so that you truly believe that "you are the prize" and that if any guy isn't realizing that and showing you in actions that you are, then he doesn't deserve you.