bad stuff happens.

[basilandthyme]

This thread is to help Love's Reject realise that all of us have had shit happen to us in the past. It's to make him realise having had bad stuff happen is no excuse to give up on ourselves, others or life. Shitty things happening in the past are no excuse for cynicism or for negativity

I'll start.

[basilandthyme]

It started with an emotionally unavailable father. Yep, you all know where this is headed LOL

I sought male attention elsewhere since I could remember. At the age of about 13, I had a crush on an older family friend. He was mid 20s. He took advantage of my crush ...and let's just say that no 13yo should be performing oral sex on a grown man.

This went on for some time and then gradually ended as I grew older. Problem is, having learned this stuff so young, I now had a warped view of boys and relationships. I had this idea that if a boy passionately kissed me or put his hands down my pants, it meant that he wanted a relationship. Yes, I know now - very wrong. But I can tell you, there were a lot of disappointments when I thought they'd call me and they never did.

The bullying I suffered at school was pretty tough too. I think I had a sign on my forehead saying "bully me". It happened from about age 10 to 14. Then I got a much older boyfriend (who was 17) and this seemed to give me sufficient credibility to make the bullies back off. Or perhaps they just grew up - I really don't know.

I hand it over to the next poster:

[Rowen]

Please tell me this is not actually a thread.... -.- Leave the guy alone.

[Valixy]

You are a very strong person, basilandthyme, to have gone through so much and be who you are today. Love prevails

[Valixy]

I feel I've moved so far from my story but here it goes...

We first met at my work. Apparently he liked me and wanted to ask me out but I was wearing a nice ring and he assumed I was engaged. Wrong assumption. We ran into each other in a bar at the beach three months later and ended up having a coffee together, exchanged telephone numbers and decided to meet again soon in the new year. It was the 31st of December. I had to leave soon for my meditation class and I remember walking on the street and smiling all the time, looking around and seeing the world with different eyes literally and suddenly so much more beautiful. Really! When I arrived at the meditation class I was so excited and wanted to tell everyone there how happy I was because I had just met a wonderful guy but they all became totally quiet and avoided looking at me for some reason. When I asked why, the teacher told me very serious: 'Every relationship is a test...'.

The first six months of our relationship were the best I had lived until then. I had been alone for a few years and he somehow fulfilled all my dreams of love to such an extent that I remember driving together in the mountains one afternoon and everything was so perfect, what he felt, what I felt, the music, the scenery, the sunset, our silence and connection that I felt I could have simply died then, that I was so happy and nothing ever could have surpassed it.

After six months everything changed... Many new circumstances appeared in his life, his old personality showed up too and our relationship was being ignored. Three months later we broke up, I wanted to, I was so in love that I couldn't bear his indifference and got back together after two months but things actually soon became worse. I tried as much as I could to do my best, adapt, improve, communicate, but we were not on the same page anymore and even if he said that he truly loved me, some of his actions didn't prove it. Five months later I left again only that this time he didn't give us another chance.

I waited four years for him, four long years, hoping every day he would return, waking up and going to sleep brokenhearted day after day. Nothing could take that pain away and I was beginning to think that there was no chance for me to feel happy again in this life, but one day, miraculously, a deep major energy shift occurred... and I was free. I became a new person, stronger, wiser and happier than I had ever been.

Eight years have passed since we broke up and it has turned out that I was right about the things I told him he was wrong... It's not that I didn't make mistakes when we were together but I was willing to face them and try to do things better. He ran away of his mistakes, I think, but no one can run away forever.

Now even his memory feels strange but at that time the relationship with him represented for me one of the most difficult and painful things I had to face in life.
Some things either break you or make you

[michelle23]

I already wrote my whole story out here. A whole load of crap throughout my entire life but Im happy. Every day Im happy, positive, looking forward to the future. I believe I have the strength to get through anything and still smile at the end of a long dark tunnel no matter what happens. Reminds me of that song "I will survive" haha

I hope LR will find the same strength to help him make some positive changes

[Love'sReject]

At least you guys have friends to help you through it.

[pcmaster]

I would give everything to have your life stories but I werent so lucky.

[HeartIsAching]

When I was a young man, and in the Army, I was stationed in W. Germany. During my time there I was sent on temporary duty to the Netherlands. I was in the Netherlands for ~5 months. Right after I arrived there, I met a beautiful Dutch girl (civilian) who was working in the same facility, and I asked her out. By the time I went back to W. Germany, I was hopelessly, head-over-heels in love. We wrote constantly, called whenever I could afford it (payphone, no phone in the barracks) and a few months later I took a 3-day pass to go see her. A couple of months after that, I took some leave at Christmas-time to spend a week with her... and I brought her a ring - an engagement ring.

After Christmas, I went back to Germany, still writing and calling as often as I could. A couple of months later she complained that I didn't visit often enough, to which I reasonably pointed out that I had a difficult time traveling as I was in the military, and she could come down and see me - I even offered to help defray the cost.

The next letter I got, she broke up with me. Told me it was because I wouldn't come see her, that I didn't care. I was absolutely devastated. I wrote her back and asked her to reconsider. I got another letter from her, and it was basically a re-hash of the previous letter. The letter I wrote in reply was essentially just an "Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way but I still love you, have a nice life" letter.

Then I got another letter. Stupidly, I eagerly opened it, thinking maybe she'd changed her mind... she hadn't. She re-hashed her reasons again. I wrote her back and asked her to stop writing to me.

I got 6 or 7 more letters, approximately once a week, and every single one of them was pouring rubbing alcohol on the wound. She kept writing and writing, telling me why she broke up with me. Every single time, I wrote back and asked her to stop writing me, with increasing vitriol in my replies. The one that finally worked was when I wrote back and started the letter with "Look bitch, LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE."

I didn't get it until years later that she was playing passive-aggressive games and trying to get me to beg to have her back, and to try and force me to come see her.

The really fun part? The first girl after her that was nice to me for a few months... I married. Stupidly. She wasn't very pretty, she was terribly stupid, and I spoke condescendingly to her constantly because it frustrated me that she didn't understand things that were intuitively obvious to me. I was an asshole to her for something that wasn't her fault, that I was aware of before we got engaged.

[HeartIsAching]

At least you guys have friends to help you through it.

No I didn't.

[basilandthyme]

At least you guys have friends to help you through it.

Cut the bullshit.

You told us that you were happy, confident and had friends before you turned cynical. So having no friends is your own fault. You could have kept them, but chose misery instead.

Edited to give another angle: I too, could have had no friends if I'd turned bitter and twisted. But I didn't go like that, so I had friends to help me.

[michelle23]

n order to mke friends you gotta get out and meet people and make an effort.

[michelle23]

and btw lr-i spent a long time feeling very very alone even though i was surrounded by people all the time. i felt misunderstood,was quite self-concious, insecure, negative, unhappy but pretended life was perect to everyone around me coz i didnt want them to think i was the failure i thought i was.

i felt unloved, unwanted, a part of me hated myself and thought i wasnt good enough all because i spent 4years in care and noone ever explained y till i was 16. when i finally find out the truth and realized it was nobodys fault-i changed overnight. i still struggled with my issues for a few years after that- but each day got easier and i turned into this happy go lucky person who loves my life, all the people in it and really appreciate what i have.

my aunts death also thought me how short life is and to really appreciate all the wonderful people in my life-never take them for granted and try to make the best of every situation.

im guessing studying psychology, the new friends i made and meeting my partner also helped me to grow and be more positive.

you need to stop focusinfg so much on the negatives, what you dont have and what you think you need and try to focus on the positives and what you do have. it all starts with you and you need to change

[basilandthyme]

Please tell me this is not actually a thread.... -.- Leave the guy alone.

Believe it or not, I'm not picking on LR. I'm hoping that by reading this thread, he stops blaming his past for his current outlook and takes a new look at his life. I hope that he knows he realises that he's not the only one which bad stuff has happened to. And I hope he realises that there are a lot of happy and functioning people in the world who've been through MUCH WORSE than he has. And that he (as with all of us) would be wise to count his blessings on a daily basis.

There have been stages in my life where I've felt overwhelmed and that I've been dealt more than I can handle. But the thing which really helps is to look at the burdens which other people have been given. Knowing that I could have had life a whole lot worse is something which gives me strength.

My son was diagnosed with autism on Sept 11, 2001 - Australian time - which means we are a day ahead of you. The next morning I woke feeling like my life was in tatters - like all my dreams had been blown away. And I got up and turned on the TV and saw utter devastation in the US. And I realised how lucky I am to have my family safe and sound around me and that stuff could be a hell of a lot worse.

Sometimes, I still got a bit down as his behaviour issues caused havoc. But then I look at people so much worse off than I - and I give myself a kick up the ass and get on with life.

Yes, I do have to option of being cynical and hating everyone and possess a "why me?" attitude. But to do this would only be to drag myself down and now allow myself happiness.

[Rowen]

Believe it or not, I'm not picking on LR. I'm hoping that by reading this thread, he stops blaming his past for his current outlook and takes a new look at his life. I hope that he knows he realises that he's not the only one which bad stuff has happened to. And I hope he realises that there are a lot of happy and functioning people in the world who've been through MUCH WORSE than he has. And that he (as with all of us) would be wise to count his blessings on a daily basis.

But my point is that it's his choice as to whether or not he wants to think that way... No one can make him, and what kind of people are we if we press our views upon him to the point he changes his thinking? It's the advice forums all over again... Remember that we're merely people at computers who offer our view on things; it's entirely up to that person if they choose to take it/agree. Do I feel like he could benefit from being more positive and talking to people more? Yes, I won't deny that because I've told him so. All I'm saying, however, is that it's his life and that it seems like we're sharing our stories in this thread for the wrong reason... :S Sorry if that sounds harsh.

My son was diagnosed with autism on Sept 11, 2001 - Australian time - which means we are a day ahead of you. The next morning I woke feeling like my life was in tatters - like all my dreams had been blown away. And I got up and turned on the TV and saw utter devastation in the US. And I realised how lucky I am to have my family safe and sound around me and that stuff could be a hell of a lot worse.

Sometimes, I still got a bit down as his behaviour issues caused havoc. But then I look at people so much worse off than I - and I give myself a kick up the ass and get on with life.

Yes, I do have to option of being cynical and hating everyone and possess a "why me?" attitude. But to do this would only be to drag myself down and now allow myself happiness.

I'm sorry to hear about your son because, at least in my experience in the United States, there are a number of people who look down on that. But I'm glad that it seems he has a loving family who knows that it's nothing to be ashamed of; he's going to be an incredible man one day.
I see what you mean by the choice you have; I'll be honest that I've been given that choice after my story's been a tiny bit screwed up. I think we can try to be good people, but, depending upon the person's life, sometimes too much is much too much. But that's just what I've seen after experiences with a number of people I've known. ...Does that make any sense? :S