husband isn't attracted to me, maybe doesn't even love me anymore

[samdee]

I met my husband when i was 17, and got married when we were 23. so we've been together for about 7 yrs now. we had two kids by the time we were 20. We were madly in love, as to be expected in a new relationship. I am still very much in love with him. it's a different love, but i have no doubt that i love this man. ever since we got engaged in may 2006, things were really rocky. it didn't help that my family hated him and hated our situation and wouldn't get off our backs. But he admitted to making out with a girl. Saying it meant nothing. that things were really rough, and he wasn't himself. I forgave him right away, when i probably should've given myself more time. i jsut wanted to be us again, normal and i wanted to show him how much i loved him. ever since then, things just weren't really ever right between us. I became really close with a guy friend of mine, fooling myself into believing i had feelings for him. When in retrospect, it was more like he just gave me the attention that my boyrfrien (now husband) wasn't giving me. my husband was rightfuly upset. we broke up for a short time. we got through it. so i thought.

a whole other issue, but it goes with everything, is after having two kids, i gained weight. after my second child i was between 125-130lbs. Before them i was 110 lbs. athletic, cheerleader, and i must say i was pretty hot lol. I struggled with the change, but tried so hard to accept it and be happy. however, my husband kept throwing things into my life and converstaion, like you should come work out, you should eat this. and at first i embraced it. i wanted to change. but then it turned into, i wanted/needed to change to make him happy and keep him interested in me. He soon started talking to girls, and ignoring me. texting at all hours of th e night with one of his co-workers who were only friends. even after we got married he continued this, even though i objected to it. i just didn't think it was right for a female to be texting a married man at 2- 4am (even if they did work at the bar together). but he disregarded my feelings. until one day i guess he felt guilty and apologized, and said he understood. only 6 months after we got married, i found out he kissed some girl he met at his bar. i knew something wasn't right, he was acting weird. and he said he just was going through something and needed to work it out. and so i found out myself what was going on. i got past that too. again, maybe too quickly. he continued to have these close female friends, or just wanting friendships with other woman other than me.

Later i found a posting on yahoo answers, that basically said that he was not really attracted to me since i gained so much weight. I now weigh...well more than 130 as i said before. he said he really doesn't want to have sex with me, and he finds himself wanting to be in the company of other woman. etc. that was a about a yr ago. 6months ago, another posting saying basically the same thing. and then 2 weeks ago....same thing. and in all those posts he talks about how unattractive i am and how awesomely attractive he is, and that he is such a faithful person and has never cheated on me. oh i forgot to mention that in the last post 2 weeks ago. he said he's looking at porn to avoid cheating on me. that should even be a thought right? anyway. i found an email address that he had been hiding i guess. and when i looked that up, he has manyh posting from even three years ago talking about him having strong feelings for another girl (the girl he made out with in my previous paragraph) and that he wanted to tell her, or find out how she felt. other postings about being married and getting close with other females etc etc.

basically in teh past 5 years, i haven't really felt like has truly loved me. he doesn't say it other than, goodnight/goodbye. and i always say it first. it's like a habit. i always feel like i'm not good enough. he hasn't even told me once on his on accord that i'm even pretty. i can't live like this anymore. feeling so beaten down about who i am. wondering what is wrong with me that he doesn't love me anymore. I love him so much and can't see my life without him, but i truly don't feel like he loves me anymore. and he's made it quite clear that he doesn't find me attractive and doesn't like having sex with me. i just don't know what to do. how to approach this and have a conversation with him. he's very good at turning everything around on me and making me feel so little.

[Mish]

we had two kids by the time we were 20.

Later i found a posting on yahoo answers, that basically said that he was not really attracted to me since i gained so much weight. I now weigh...well more than 130 as i said before. he said he really doesn't want to have sex with me, and he finds himself wanting to be in the company of other woman. etc. that was a about a yr ago. 6months ago, another posting saying basically the same thing. and then 2 weeks ago....same thing. and in all those posts he talks about how unattractive i am and how awesomely attractive he is, and that he is such a faithful person and has never cheated on me.

basically in teh past 5 years, i haven't really felt like has truly loved me. he doesn't say it other than, goodnight/goodbye. and i always say it first. it's like a habit. i always feel like i'm not good enough. he hasn't even told me once on his on accord that i'm even pretty. i can't live like this anymore. feeling so beaten down about who i am. wondering what is wrong with me that he doesn't love me anymore. I love him so much and can't see my life without him, but i truly don't feel like he loves me anymore. and he's made it quite clear that he doesn't find me attractive and doesn't like having sex with me. i just don't know what to do. how to approach this and have a conversation with him. he's very good at turning everything around on me and making me feel so little.

I think an advice to your problem would have been a lot easier if you didn't have children with this guy. In hindsight having children with this particular person and at that particular time (given your age at the time) was a big mistake. Given the length of all of these problems and history of interaction with him I doubt any of this will change for the better and will quite likely change for the worse as time goes on. The main decision before you right now is whether to stay in this non-reciprocal relationship with a person who isn't and will probably never be attracted to you for the sake of the kids and tolerate it or to weigh your financial options and if it allows you leave.