Why is gf lying to me about past?

[Maximus16]

I need some advice on an issue I'm having with my girlfriend at the moment. We have been dating about a year and things are really good. Early on when we wfirst started dating we talked about our pasts a bit. I'm a single dad so she had concerns which was fine. She also told me about her dating history as well. There was individual, we will call him Joe, she would bring up from time to time that she considered one of her closest friends, in fact she went out of her way to point out that nothing ever happened between them. I asked her on one occassion early on if they ever dated and she said no reaffirming that they were always just great friends. At one point she even attended one of his personal training classes, I thought nothing of it as she always said they were friends. Well as time went by we decided to plana trip to the Jersey shore where she used to live for a few years before I met her. She wanted to introduce me to her friends down there, Joe included. However about a week before we were supposed to go she told me that Joe would not be able to go because his girlfriend didn't want him around my girlfriend. She seemed so upset about why this girl would over react like this, after all she and Joe were never anything more than really good friends. I pointed out that Joe's gf most likely felt this way because she believed Joe and my gf were an item at some point. My gf again flat denied a sexual relationship...friends...really good ones and thats it. We never talked about Joe again after that. One night while I was at work I ran into a girl I've known for a while who also knew my girlfriend from the shore days. She told me that my gf was a great girl and that she used to date a friend of hers. I asked who it was and she said Joe. I confronted my gf about this and got her to admit to dating him very briefly...that they were friends that decided to try to be a couple and that it didn't work. They only slept together once according to her. When she attended his PT class she didn't even speak to him. While I understand everyone has a past I couldn't and still can't figure out why she would lie about this guy in particular. She said she didn't want it to be awkward when I met him...that it was so insignificant she didn't think I needed to know. My belief was if its insignificant why lie about it. In any event I ran into this mutual acquaintance again and asked her how long my gf and Joe actually dated. She told me they dated for a while, over a year, and that it was pretty serious. I have yet to say anything to my girlfriend but I'm having a hard time accepting this. I get that its the past but I can't understand why she'd lie about it in the first place then continue to lie about it. I'd like to see what people's opinions are of this because it really bothers me. Really appreciate your opinions. Thanks so much

[Rowen]

It means she's in love with him. And I wouldn't be surprised if "Joe's" new girlfriend doesn't want her around because he cheated on her with your girlfriend.. That's just my take, though..

However, regardless of what her motives are, why are you subjecting yourself to this? If she's lying this much in your relationship, do you really feel you'll ever be able to trust her word on anything? And, if I am right (theoretically), are you going to trust her if she tells you she's going to hang out with Joe? I don't think so... You'll be constantly wondering whether or not something is going on behind your back.

You can find better than this. A significant other shouldn't lie to you this much and keep lying to you. They should be honest and forthright because, after all, how can there be a relationship when there's no trust?
You know what you have to do; you're just subconsciously hoping someone says it'll be okay.

[Wakeup]

blah blah blah blah... Yet another story about why its a really good idea not to stay friends with exe's or keep opposite sex friendships (or the same if you're so inclined) with someone you once had romantic intentions for.

Sorry, dude. If you leave this one... find one that doesn't have to remain friends with ex's. Seems generally they don't need to lie to spare the feelings of their partner, they are more dedicated to their partners own sensibilities and neither partner has to get angst ridden and insecure or have the need to lie to the one that is generally angst ridden and insecure.

What a waste of time/codependency keeping ex's as friends appears to be.

[basilandthyme]

She lied to you so that she could keep him in her life.

[Hacker]

Exes can never be friends ,and that is true ,especially if they went out for a long while . If they are really friends why would she lie . If you want to keep the relationship try not to be very vert mad at her ,and ask her to tell the truth .you might over-concerned ,but who knows . Let her explain and you have to handle the answer .when she answers ,use your instinct to tell whether she is lying or not .You are going to be the one who decides what to do afterwards.

[Maximus16]

I asked her to come clean about their relationship when I initially found out. She told me dated very briefly...four or five dates...and it felt weird to her. They slept together and she wasn't feeling it so she ended it. Turns out I know someone who knows them both and they told me they dated at least 8 months so she's still lying.

[Wakeup]

You do know that if they were fvck buddies that sleeping only a few times together in an 8 month period isn't much of a stretch of the imagination. FB's don't date much at all. She's afraid to tell you the truth because it's obvious that you can't handle it.

Quit being like this and either get on with your relationship with her without all this mistrust or just break up with her because you can't trust her. You don't get to keep her and torture her like you're George Bush on some "Evil Doer" mission to destroy.

Telling us all you're so called catching her in lies isn't doing either of you any good either emotionally or self-worth wise.

If you break up with her, don't date anyone who still talks to their ex. If you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen.

[Maximus16]

I'm simply asking for opinions here...I can handle plenty as long as someone tells the truth. Maybe I did a bad job with the details. When we first started dating she asked me questions about my past and vice versa. She told me she had been single for a long time, that she had dated some guys but it never amounted to much. She went out of her way to tell me about about a group of guys she befriended down the shore and how close she was with them. Joe was one of these guys. She told me how excited she was for me to meet them and I was looking forward to it as well. Joe is a personal trainer and my girlfriend actually attended one of his classes, she told me about it and I didn't think twice because of what I had been told about their friendship. When I was supposed to meet these people Joe all of a sudden couldn't be there because his girlfriend didn't want him around my girlfriend. She was so upset by this because according to her there was nothing there to be worried about, she was so shocked this would happen. I told her odds are his gf doesn't want him around hers becasue she thought they had something together in the past. My girlfriend of course said again that they were always close friends and that's it. Then I randomly found out the truth and confronted her. She told me they "tried to date and only slept together once". In reality they were together nine months and sleeping together only one time in that time frame is highly unlikely. I don't care who she dated, in fact had she told me the truth about this guy from the beginning I never would have had an issue with it. I would not, however, approve of her attending a class he was teaching if I knew they had been intimate in the past. So the bottom line is she lied to me to keep this fella in her life in some capacity and even now she's continuing to lie about it. People have pasts which I can handle...when they lie about it it bothers me because if they can lie about this they can lie about other things. She also did it for selfish reasons to keep him in her life. I was curious to hear from other women if this normal or if I'm making too much of it.

[Rowen]

I asked her to come clean about their relationship when I initially found out. She told me dated very briefly...four or five dates...and it felt weird to her. They slept together and she wasn't feeling it so she ended it. Turns out I know someone who knows them both and they told me they dated at least 8 months so she's still lying.

How long are you really going to put up with this?

I'm simply asking for opinions here...I can handle plenty as long as someone tells the truth. Maybe I did a bad job with the details.

No, you did FINE with the details. Quit being a little bitch about our opinions just because you don't like them.

You gave us your story, and we told you exactly what we think. We even gave you advice on what to do. But you're trying to hold onto hope that we can give you some magical formula which will suddenly make her honest with you. People won't always tell the truth. Some will lie to you. You have to be able to either live with it or let them go.

Either live with her lying or tell her it's over. What's your choice?

[smackie9]

Specific details of her past is really none of your business and you have no right to expect her to cut off all contact with someone she had slept with....get over yourself. Not everyone is comfortable about revealing things about their past, and since you are newly seeing each other, she knew you wouldn't feel comfortable about it.....that is why she didn't want to tell you....she thought it would ruin things with you ya dummy, not selfishly worried about keeping buddy around.

[Rowen]

Smackie, I could understand that if it was a shorter time, but the OP has been together about a year? Or, do you believe that to be still too soon?

[Wakeup]

I'm simply asking for opinions here...I can handle plenty as long as someone tells the truth. Maybe I did a bad job with the details. When we first started dating she asked me questions about my past and vice versa. She told me she had been single for a long time, that she had dated some guys but it never amounted to much. She went out of her way to tell me about about a group of guys she befriended down the shore and how close she was with them. Joe was one of these guys. She told me how excited she was for me to meet them and I was looking forward to it as well. Joe is a personal trainer and my girlfriend actually attended one of his classes, she told me about it and I didn't think twice because of what I had been told about their friendship. When I was supposed to meet these people Joe all of a sudden couldn't be there because his girlfriend didn't want him around my girlfriend. She was so upset by this because according to her there was nothing there to be worried about, she was so shocked this would happen. I told her odds are his gf doesn't want him around hers becasue she thought they had something together in the past. My girlfriend of course said again that they were always close friends and that's it. Then I randomly found out the truth and confronted her. She told me they "tried to date and only slept together once". In reality they were together nine months and sleeping together only one time in that time frame is highly unlikely. I don't care who she dated, in fact had she told me the truth about this guy from the beginning I never would have had an issue with it. I would not, however, approve of her attending a class he was teaching if I knew they had been intimate in the past. So the bottom line is she lied to me to keep this fella in her life in some capacity and even now she's continuing to lie about it. People have pasts which I can handle...when they lie about it it bothers me because if they can lie about this they can lie about other things. She also did it for selfish reasons to keep him in her life. I was curious to hear from other women if this normal or if I'm making too much of it.

Yea... you said all that already. The advise still stands. Get rid of her and quit talking about it. What will our opinions do to help you get rid of her? If you don't want to get rid of her then stop talking about it and get on with your life with her and forgive her for her lies while telling her that you'll not stand for anymore BS and if she needs to lie to you then that will be the last time she does. End of. You're driving an emotional wedge between the two of you so unless you can stop your OCD thinking on this, its over anyway.

Its your right to not want to keep a girl who still wants to hang out with someone they've joined gennies with. BUT (big but) It's not your right to keep them and torture them because of it. If you don't like it then get out of the relationship and find someone who doesn't agree with ex's being friends because there are lots of them out there that think like you do.

[smackie9]

Smackie, I could understand that if it was a shorter time, but the OP has been together about a year? Or, do you believe that to be still too soon?

"She said she didn't want it to be awkward when I met him". This tells me this guy has shown her that he is insecure and she didn't want this to be an issue when introducing them. The OP even said and I quote "I would not, however, approve of her attending a class he was teaching if I knew they had been intimate in the past." This screams insecurity.

IMO his insecurities are forcing her to tell these lies....it's not right but she is doing it because she's stupidly in love with him. They need to go their separate ways because the honeymoon is over.....this relationship is a bust.

[Wakeup]

The OP even said and I quote "I would not, however, approve of her attending a class he was teaching if I knew they had been intimate in the past." This screams insecurity.

It doesn't scream insecurity. It screams of a man with boundaries that he himself wouldnt cross so he expects the same consideration from who he is dating. That to me screams standards and she doesn't live up to his.

What it also screams is control issues if he demanded that she don't hang with him instead of just telling her his boundary and then letting her decide if she feels he's being unreasonable. If she can't get past not seeing her ex lover then so be it. That at least would have given him the opportunity to leave after having full disclosure.

"Forcing her to tell lies?" Thats akin to saying that a cheater was forced to cheat rather then just leave an unhappy/non-compatible situation. I agree that that is why she lies but she isn't "forced" into doing anything. Yes the relationship is a bust. No doubt but Op is looking for someone to tell him it's not. He too doesn't have the strength to walk away. It's stupid and it's sad at the same time.

She's desperate / He's desperate. Not a good foundation to maintaining a long lasting union.

[smackie9]

OMG really? I didn't say it was within her own right to lie.....I said it was still wrong. Just a reaction to his behavior.