Devastated

[Claire84]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We have not had sex but have done everything else, I didn’t realise it was a major problem until I kept putting it off. My boyfriend has given me ‘deadlines’ over time but has now said I have 2 weeks left for us to have sex or its over.

I started counselling sessions a few weeks ago which have helped, my fear is the pain of entry which we haven’t even attempted. I have bought a book to help me and so far it’s good. My counsellor saw me cry when she asked if I would be heartbroken if it was over, she said he should be dumped for setting a deadline even though I am trying now - but she realised she shouldn’t speak her mind!

I know he has waited patiently but I have cried loads in front of him this weekend and he said the deadline isn’t fair but said I would keep putting it off. I told him I am devastated as he could end up with someone else. He said that’s life and relationships. Everything else is great and we got on well its just this problem that causes arguments. I want to marry this guy but fear it could end in tears.

[Glyph]

Anyone who is going to put a deadline on something that you're obviously not ready for isn't someone you should be marrying. He needs someone who is sexually active, you need someone who can wait (or to wait on dating until you feel you might be ready to have sex).

I think when you really trust someone, even that fear of it hurting will lessen enough to allow you to go through with it. Ultimatums and deadlines are things assholes use to pressure you before you're ready.

Dump the guy. You don't need him.

[zro]

under normal circumstances i would agree with glyph, but it sounds like you WANT to have sex, just sound scared of the pain associated with it - your bf's way of "encouraging" you is wrong, but you have to understand his point of view, sex is an essential part of any healthy relationship and he might be worried that you find him ****ing ugly or something

If not having sex is a religious or a personal choice, so be it, no one should pressure you into it - take glyph's advice, but if you are just scared i would advise you to grow a pair (not literally) and just get on with it before you lose him forever just because of your weak mind

[Junket]

He's right, that is life and relationships.

If he wants sex, and you don't, than you aren't compatible.

Sex is not something to be trivialized. It's an important part of romantic relationships. Otherwise you'd be nothing more than just really good friends.

I'm not telling you to have sex if you're not ready, what I am telling you is that you'll have to accept that if your priorities differ, it may be grounds for a breakup. You just have to accept it.

[vashti]

I think your therapist is correct: him setting a deadline is a very good reason to dump his sorry ass.

[Only-virgins]

I think your therapist is correct: him setting a deadline is a very good reason to dump his sorry ass.

I agree. even if you decide to have sex now, make sure it is not with him.

_____________

[LostNotFound]

I agree. even if you decide to have sex now, make sure it is not with him.

_____________

dnt give him the satisfaction. kick his ass to the curb

[LoveTwist]

Yes, I agree with the others. Him pressuring you like that is a very good reason to dump him, because although you may get on in many ways you don't seem to be compatible in terms of the intimate side of things.

Trust me I know how hard it can be knowing that you partner is getting frusrated waiting for sex when you don't feel ready. In fact I'm almost certain thats one of the reasons my ex bf dumped me. I don't know for sure because he didn't say that, but after all times he went on about it I'd be very surprised if it wasn't a factor in his decision to dump me.

I'm only just starting to accept the fact that I either I need a very different type of guy who really loves me, is willing to be patient and wait for me and not be all focused on the sex. Or to stay out of relationships altogether.

I know this is a very hard decision you face and I know you can't imagine life without him right now. I couldn't imagine life without my ex bf either. And it'll take a while to move on of course, but it gets easier, and I know its an overly used cliche, but there really are plenty more fish in the sea.

Of course its up to you, but I'd recommend you find someone who shows more respect for your feelings and is willing to wait. But whichever route you decide I wish you the very best of luck! And remember, you are not alone! There are loads of people out there like you!

[Tiay]

He has said though that the deadline is unfair. He's set them in the past, and presumably he's still stayed with you.. He loves you, because otherwise he'd just have left and found someone who'd give him what he needs. He can't see himself remaining faithful in this situation.. at least he's talking about it rather than just getting it somewhere else.

The deadline, however, is stupid. I mean, imagine you came to him on the last day and said "this is the last thing I want to do and I'm terrified, but I can't loose you so let's just get this over with.." would he then proceed to **** you? That sounds totally heartless. If you think he'd do that, I don't see much sense in staying with him. Your relationship would never be the same after that.

Instead of the deadline, maybe you can have a different sort of 'deal'. Say, every x days you have to make some sort of progress that'll lead to you being able to have sex. The question is though, do *you* even want to still try having sex with him, or does the way he's treated the subject put you off?

[LostNotFound]

some one said your scared of the actual hymen breaking bit?if you have questions ask on here there are more experienced people who can tell you. but if that's all that's stopping you? or is that a cover up coz you really aren't ready? anyways he's still a bum.

[Gribble]

How old are you? If you're sixteen or so this guy's scum. If you're in your twenties he's just a coward. He wants sex. You aren't willing and it doesn't look like you're going to overcome that soon. Okay. He needs to have the courage to break up with you. Not threaten. Break up. Now. Because if he doesn't he's either going to continue pressuring you until you do something you don't want or he's going to get sex elsewhere. He's the one that needs to grow some balls. Since that doesn't seem likely to happen you've got to take the initiative and dump him yourself. Following that seek help from a sex therapist and work on overcoming your fears. Sex is an enjoyable experience. Even for women.

[Converse]

Dump him. It's gonna end in tears, he will probably dump you after he's got laid anyway.

[Claire84]

How old are you?

I'm 23 years old.

[Tiay]

is it that you simply don't want to have sex, or that you'd like to but just have this intrinsic fear of it?

[Claire84]

is it that you simply don't want to have sex, or that you'd like to but just have this intrinsic fear of it?

I have a fear, I do desire sex and with him but his hurtful comments are pushing me away from him and I really wish he would be more supportive. A 'deadline' is not going to make me relax.