How can I help him sort through his emotional baggage?

[Deeza07]

We have an awesome time together, we're very open and honest, and he's said he's carrying baggage from his marriage to his ex. She appears to be playing games, saying one thing, then doing another with regards to their kids and the choices they made regarding their financial settlements. He is catching her out in a few lies, which has everything to do with him and the kids also. He's told me all this of his own will, and I have told him I'm there for him to vent to if needed. I've never passed judgement or offered advice, I'm just being a sounding board.

He's said there's alot he needs to work through, and that he's not sure he's ready for a serious relationship. We've been together 5 months now, and he means so much to me. How do I let him know, without pressuring him, that I think he's worthy, and I'm willing to wait for him to sort everything out? All I want to do is support him, and help him through what he's going through. I just want him to be happy.

Any advice?

[HeartIsAching]

What baggage, specifically?

One phrase my wife and I use around the house a lot in regards to baggage from our exes:

"Baby, unpack that baggage."

I'll give you an example:

The other night, she got to talking to a co-worker after work and before she realized it, 45 minutes had gone by. She called me on her way home from work WAY over-apologetic because she was late. I hadn't been worried or stressed at all, and just said "Baby, I wasn't upset. Unpack that baggage." A brief silence, and she said "Ok. Thanks."

[lahnnabell]

It's not up to you to help him work through this. He needs an unbiased party to help with that, a counselor or therapist. The most you can do is what Heart suggested. Encourage him to let it go so that you two can work on a life together. You shouldn't be getting sucked into his problems with his ex.

[Deeza07]

One of the major things with him is that he can't understand how she can say to him now that she respected him and their marriage, after she ran off with another guy. She didn't cheat on him physically (at least, he doesn't believe she did) - but she got together with a friend of their family VERY soon after separating. He found out afterwards, from the friends ex wife, that this friend had been chasing her for quite some time. The other things are mostly that she says one thing, and does the opposite, which frustrates him.

I don't think he see's himself as being worthy of another loving relationship...and I think he is.

[lahnnabell]

One of the major things with him is that he can't understand how she can say to him now that she respected him and their marriage, after she ran off with another guy. She didn't cheat on him physically (at least, he doesn't believe she did) - but she got together with a friend of their family VERY soon after separating. He found out afterwards, from the friends ex wife, that this friend had been chasing her for quite some time. The other things are mostly that she says one thing, and does the opposite, which frustrates him.

I don't think he see's himself as being worthy of another loving relationship...and I think he is.

Yes, he needs counseling.

[Deeza07]

It's not up to you to help him work through this. He needs an unbiased party to help with that, a counselor or therapist. The most you can do is what Heart suggested. Encourage him to let it go so that you two can work on a life together. You shouldn't be getting sucked into his problems with his ex.

Thanks

I realise its not up to me to help him work through it - but I want to support him and be there for him. I WANT to help him work through it, but for him to also know that I'm not going to push him in any way in allowing me to do that.

He is seeing a psychologist, which he says does help. The thing is, I think all the lies from her recently are really getting to him (5 major lies about kids/living arrangements and her boyfriend in the space of 4 days).

[lahnnabell]

He and his wife could benefit from divorce counseling too. They seem to need some sort of mediator, at least for the sake of their children.

[smackie9]

Yup I would go with counseling.....and maybe he needs a good lawyer.

[mwahahaha]

What baggage, specifically?

One phrase my wife and I use around the house a lot in regards to baggage from our exes:

"Baby, unpack that baggage."




I'll give you an example:

The other night, she got to talking to a co-worker after work and before she realized it, 45 minutes had gone by. She called me on her way home from work WAY over-apologetic because she was late. I hadn't been worried or stressed at all, and just said "Baby, I wasn't upset. Unpack that baggage." A brief silence, and she said "Ok. Thanks."

yeah , denial can work....