trust or not to trust

[w8lifter53]

Sorry posted this in another forum but I would like a womans point of view...

Ok.. I apologize up front for the long post.

I start dating my girlfriend back in June. Hit if off from day one. She was seeing other people and so was I. We were intimate the first date after we met.

We chatted a few time in between and we had a few dates and again we were intimate. I asked her if we could be exclusive on the intimate part of the relationship. She ended up giving me a round about yes to the question. A week later, we were suppose to meet on a Friday night and she was running late, which she hadn't done in sometime. I text her and she said she would be there in a bit. She didn;t have her sons that day and she told me she had some running around to take care of while she had the time. My gut told be there was something up, so I figured I would take a ride. Sure enought I showed up at her house and there was another car in her driveway. I proceeded to knock on hte door, no answer until I started ti use her spare set of keys. (I know this was wrong, but I knew what was going on). She answers the door and sure enought tells me a guys is there that she is\was dating and they were suppose to meet to end it. However, old feeling got in the way and one thing led to another and we know how the rest of the story goes. We ahd a short discussion and she told me to give her 20 minutes and we would talk.

We talked, she cried and said she was so sorry that she never wanted that to happen. Ok, soneg and dance I've heard before from others. She siad we weren't exclusive but I reminded her that we made a deal about sex. I made sure she realized I could get in the car and be with another girl that night as I was dating other before I met her.

Anyway, I forgave the situation and decided to move on.

We have been seeing each since. She has introduced me to her family, sons and co-workers. We have built a large circle of mutual friends. We are together very often and she tells me she loves me and we are very intimate. I am going on a trip with her and her sons. I have been invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas with her entire family already.

Now, she had to go on a business trip, which I knew about. After our issue in July, I had some reservations. She ends up going away and I ended up with a few melt downs due to my insecurites, but my gut was telling me something wasn't quiet right. We made it through the trip and had some discussions when she got back. I still had this feeling about this trip but tried to keep it to myself. A few weeks go by and all is good.

Well... due to a non related issue, she feels the need to tell me that she had a one night stand with a guy I know. She wanted me to find out from her before someone else told me who threatened to do so. She said, she was drunk and slept with him on a dare. Well, I was pissed for a few hours but blew it off cause it is her past. My past is nothing to brag about.

So, I was still gutting on this business trip, so I had the chance to check her phone. ( I know not a good thing and not right). Well I see some text from some friends of her's on the trip. A few at 11:00 at night etc. I know she was out drinking, which is fine. But we had a discussion about her abilities to control herself due to the July issue and I know that is is a flirt. There were some statements about her being alone when she go back to the room. a comment here and there but nothing I can definaly say yes something happened. We have talked about the trip and she tells me nothing happened. She is very understandoing about what I am going through and thatshe caused some of this from the July incident.

So here we are. I already have trust issues from prior relationships and being cheated on. My Mom walked out on me when I was 5 and I was raised by my Grandmother. So, I know I have some issues of trust and abandonment already and yes, I know I could use some therapy.

Likewise, my girl has self esteem issues when it comes to men (she relaizes this too). She likes the attention she gets and who doesn't. But it is a matter of drawing the line.

So, we have talked about counciling and it was her suggestion. Which I am trying to line up.

Does she love me... Yes... I have not doubt or she wouldn't have brough me into her family.

But my question is.... Due to what happened in July, the friend she slept with cause she was drunk, my gut about her business trip and my already established trust issues, will I ever be able to trust her?

Thoughts?

[DalM0m]

As far as I can tell from your post, since agreeing to be exclusive with you, she has had sex with 2 other men that you found out about. No you shouldn't trust her. She's done nothing to earn your trust after breaking it the first time. If you let her cheat on you a third time, you deserve whatever heart ache you get.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you let her cheat on you a thrid time, you deserve whatever heart ache you get.

DalM0m, you mispelled third. Its supposed to be spelled like this, "second".





But really, you did mispell third.

[w8lifter53]

Just a clerification...

The fiest guy was just after we decided. The excuse was we had a history.

The other guy "friend", was a year and half ago. That just hurt my ego because he has talked to us and it was a slap in the face because I didn't know. We live in a small town. I am sure it is a matter of time that I meet a friend of her's that I had a realtionship with along the way.

Now.. the first guy she was seeing for a while before me. It is no excuse, but she said she wanted to break it off with him that night but one thing lead to another. Was she remorseful (sp?) I believe her to be but to trust her not so sure...

Thoughts...

[basilandthyme]

I think that the issues happening now were caused by the fact that you pushed her into being exclusive before she was ready. It was shady of you to sleep with her once then demand exclusivity. If being sexually excusive was so important to you, why didn't you hold off on sex until she was ready to be exclusive?

It also sounds like you didn't give her much of a say in this - evidenced by the fact that you weren't responsive to the fact that she was clearly not ready to commit.

She should have said "no" to your request. And you shouldn't have disregarded the fact that she wasn't ready. You're equally to blame in this mess.

[w8lifter53]

Basil... Point taken. We actually did sleep together more than once but not many more. When the nigh came about that I caught her with the other man, she told me her intentions were to break it off with him so she could tell me she wanted to be exclusive with me in all areas. After the other dude left we got together and had a long conversation. I gave her the option to keep the relationship open. She told me that is not what she wanted. But in hindsight, she I believe she is afraid it owuld be over if I left. I am no means concieded but I did hvae options as did she.

Would she have told me she was with the other guy that night if I would have not caught her. She was meeting me the same night for our date.

Does she want her cake and eat it too? In my own defense, I am a good guy and I treat her and her children very well. At this point we are very intertwined (sp?) with frineds and family, especially her children.

Thoughts?