Mixed up.

[Gamerchick]

I'm all mixed up. Hopefully just writing this will help. Surely hearing point of views from outsiders will do, too. I am also scheduled to meet with a therapist in a week.

This might be long, as I am not even sure what theproblem is; I've never been very good at talking about my feelings, or even identifying them.

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6. For the first 3 years of our relationship, we were "long distance", him in the US and me in Canada. I used to take a few months off of temping to go see him. We'd had lots of sex, as my sex drive was really high then. I did not long for him though, and never really did; I simply wanted sex. I did fall in love with him though, kind of like a deep friendship.

As soon as I developped these feelings for him, I stopped seeing the 2 other men I was seeing at the time. I was 22 then, and dating a few men didn't seem like a bad idea (it still doesn't, actually). But I fell for the myth of monogamy and dated him exclusively.

Then we got married, he lost his job and we ended up living with his parents for a year, during which he never found another job. I found a job in a foreign country, but was unhappy living with the in-laws, and perhaps lost a bit of respect for him; 1 year and you can't find a job? Come on!

So I moved back home and found a steady job out of necessity. He joined me a few months later and found work. Then we fell into the routine, working boring jobs to earn money to pay for a crappy place so we can sleep to wake up the next day to work the boring job.

Yeah, I hate my job. Can't really quit, since my husband freaks out when I tell him I wish I'd find something else. I can't stand routine, in every aspect of my life.

On another subject, our sex was never as good as it could be, and it was my fault. I had, and still have, urges that may seem deviant to some. Nothing extreme, mind you, but still something I denied and can no longer deny.

Selfish, perhaps, but I long to submit to someone (man or woman, really). Someone I respect and look up to. And as ashamed as I am to admit this, this person is not my husband. I'm not sure why I feel this way. It's like I am irritated by everything he does. I still feel tenderness towards him, almost a maternal tenderness, or a friendly care maybe.

I find myself wanting to see other people. And still be with him, since I care for him. I wouldn't mind if he saw another woman. Not on the side, just have a steady girlfriend along with his wife, just as I could have a boyfriend - or girlfriend - along with my husband. I know such relationships exist, and I've brought the subject with him. He's unsure of how this would work, and seems somewhat opposed to the idea.

Now, am I wanting to see other people because something is lacking in our relationship, or am I just wired this way? I tend to think I am wired this way, since I never believed in monogamy. I've often said to him, "If you ever want to be with another woman, do it, as long as I know about it I won't mind." This still stands, and I wish he would feel the same.

I feel like I've been sleeping for the past 6 years, just drifting by, working because I had to, losing interest in sex a little more each day. Actually, losing interest in sex with my husband a little more each day. I feel awful admitting this. I just don't desire my husband. I want to please him and make him happy, but I hate that I have to force myself to do it.

We talked about my weird desires. He finds them quite amusing and tried to indulge me, but it is extremely difficult to "make someone dominant" in bed. I feel so selfish and like an awful person. Not ashamed of my desires (I've denied them for so long, burying them, thinking they would pass.. which they didn't, of course), but for not wanting my husband to be the dominant I need. Maybe the fact that it just doesn't turn him on is a turn off in itself.

I can have "vanilla" sex, but I do not enjoy it. Just as, I suspect, he can have "kinky" sex, but doesn't enjoy it. Which is why I think it would be perfect to see other people. I don't see a problem with loving more than 1 man, but he does, and said he can't love more than 1 woman, that it would not be true, an opinion I do not share. It is, in my opinion, very doable to be romantically involved with more than 1 person, as long as everybody involved is aware and consenting.

Am I a freak for thinking this? Am I living in a dream world for thinking this is a possible situation? It worked back when I was 20...

I almost feel like I lost 10 years of my life. I love my husband, don't want to hurt him, don't want to live without him. But I long for something more. Or perhaps something else.

I have no idea what to do. Do I pressure him into seeing other people, which he probably will resent me for? Do I suck it up and keep on numbing a (big) part of myself? Do I just end my marriage even though I don't want to?

Well there you have it, more or less. The situation as I see it, blurted out in one rough draft. I kind of believe in automatic writing, so I will not even read this back before posting (forgive any typos or grammatical errors). Maybe reading it back in a day or two will give me a slap in the face. Maybe I'll know then what I need to do.

Feel free to post your opinion, be it good or bad. I need input. I have always been a very solitary person, and so never really bonded with anyone long enough to have good, close friends. So I have none, evidently. Feedback would be greatly appreciated, as sometimes the best advice you canget is from an unbiased stranger.

Thank you for taking the time to read and post.

[lesa]

That sounds extremely complicating. You are not made for monogamy it seems and your husband does not desire multiple partners. There will definitely be a difficult compromise for this relationship. You guys are not compatible but I do believe a marriage counselor is needed.

[damn2008]

Telling your husband it is "ok" for him to have a girlfriend on the side so YOU can feel OK having a boyfriend (or boyfriends) on the side is not going to solve any problems.

You want to indulge in urges that will ultimately destroy your marriage and like lesa mentioned, you probably aren't meant for monogamy. If you feel so strongly about seeing other people but are conflicted with your love for your husband you need to sit down and make a decision about where you want your future to go. Also consider that sex is not EVERYTHING in a relationship...you're just reaching out for something because you are not getting it from your husband (which appears to have rooted issues as you mentioned) and are DANGEROUSLY close to cheating.

Either work things out in your marriage...or get out of it. If you can't commit 100% to your husband and he can't to you...then there's no reason for you two to be together.

[Gigabitch]

Has it occurred to you that you're wasting his life? Maybe you should let him go so he can find someone who wants to share the kind of life he's comfortable with and so you can freely pursue your desires.

IMO, your marriage was over before it began because you weren't committed.

[lesa]

Just kick his ass. Problem solved.

It would seem that my dyslexia is getting worse. I thought that said, "Just lick his ass. Problem solved."

I was thinking...yeah maybe.

[Gamerchick]

Has it occurred to you that you're wasting his life? Maybe you should let him go so he can find someone who wants to share the kind of life he's comfortable with and so you can freely pursue your desires.

IMO, your marriage was over before it began because you weren't committed.

Yes it did occur to me and I told him so. He says he loves me and wants to make things work. He is a wonderful man and I truly feel awful for being the way I am and hurting him. Maybe leaving would be for the best. Hopefully we're meeting with the therapist tomorrow and get a professional opinion.

Thanks for the replies.