Unsure what to do with boyfriend in international relationship. Please Help.

[spanishgirl]

I’m sorry if this is long. My first post and very important in my life this situation.

I am 21 and my boyfriend is 24. I am Spanish and he is English. We have been dating for 3 years. He moved from the UK to Spain to be with me a year ago but we do not live together. The relationship has not been good since he moved to Spain as he has no friends here and he does not speak Spanish. He relies on me for many things like taking up a lease on a flat, banking and other things. I am sick of having to do these things for him at first it was ok but I can’t be bothered now.

He was feeling really depressed before Christmas 07 and not acting like his confident self like he was before he moved to Spain. I went out on a girl’s night out and he was not allowed to come as it was only girls. I got really drunk and I talked to and kissed another guy and gave him a blow job. The next day my boyfriend came to me early in the morning when I was in bed to ask me if I enjoyed the night out. I felt really bad and did not want to kiss him in case he tasted the guys cum. I told my friends later that day but waited a week to tell my boyfriend, I only told him it was a quick 30 second kiss not a blow job. My boyfriend felt so bad when I told him and went really quiet.

We went to see his family at Christmas and my boyfriend and his dad paid for the flights. They treated me well and gave me loads of presents. My boyfriend seemed happier here like his old self, seeing friends again.

We returned to Spain and things where a bit better for a while then slowly my boyfriend started getting depressed again. I had to help him find a new flat as the landlord sold his old flat. The new flat was really good and my boyfriend wanted to take it to keep it as he wanted to try and get the large bedroom with bathroom. I asked him if he was sure he didn’t want to come to the UK when I went on my exchange program in March to stay with his parents (they lived in a different city from the one i was going to) but he said he wanted to stay in Spain as he didn’t want to live with his parents and did not have enough money to come to the other city with me.

In March I went to on a university exchange program for 3 months and my boyfriend stayed in Spain. My boyfriend slowly started to get really depressed in Spain and my mum told me he lost a lot of weight and was not eating well. One day he told me he was going to kill himself, I texted him a lot and made sure he was ok this day. I didn’t want him to depress me on my Erasmus exchange so ignored him as every time I talked to him he was depressed and was really worried what I was doing.

On Erasmus I started smoking marijuana and cigarettes on nights out and partying in clubs a lot of nights, flirting with guys and dancing with them. I wanted to have a good time as I was in a different country as I am only 21.

We agreed my boyfriend would come to see me for a few weeks while I was there. I had a Chlamydia test before he came. He came and was really suspicious if I had done something like been with someone else and started looking though my phone, email, instant message chat logs. We had sex a few times when he was there. He was convinced I cheated on him after sex with some new positions and things I did in the bedroom. I told him I was just horny to see him. I told him about the Chlamydia test and he was really worried why I had it, it told him all my friends and I did it for fun.

Later he took me and my friends up to his city to stay with his family for a few days and took us round the country showing us the sights.

After this he went back to Spain. I flirted and kissed a few guys in some clubs and danced with them after he went.

After I finished Erasmus I returned to Spain and felt bad that I was back living with my parents and in Spain as I like the UK. I kept telling my boyfriend how I missed the up all the time.

I did not want to tell my boyfriend about being with other guys in the UK because he was so unstable he may leave me or worse but he asked directly about it a few times and confronted me about one of the guys who he thought I might have been with. I told him nothing at all happened.

Recently I want to go out with my friends only and not have him coming along as he spoils the night out. I often wander off on nights out to do other things and flirt with other guys as I am bored around my boyfriend as he can’t talk to anyone but me as he does not speak Spanish. He gets worried when I do this.

I recently asked for a break from my boyfriend and told him to go to the UK for at least three weeks or he could stay in Spain but I did not want to see him. In the week before he left things where much better with him and I stayed at his house for most of that week, he seemed like his old self again. I wanted to go with him to the up for two of the three weeks but I was working.

What should I do, I love my boyfriend but I am young and he is depressed in Spain and not his normal self. I want to have my space and not have him depending on me all the time. I want him to return to his normal self again in Spain how can i do this? He keeps thinking that things may have happened with me and other guys should i be honest with him or keep it to myself or tell him later if he becomes stable again? If he only went back to the way he is normally i would move into his flat with him but if he doesn’t i think i may leave him.

[LAtoJapan]

I applaud you for being honest most of the time with him. I think the timing of the first confession to him was inconvenient as you said he was already depressed at that time. I am an American living in Japan so I remember what it was like to use a Japanese girlfriend or friends to help me with everything when it came to translation. However that was the first year or 2, then I became motivated to try and learn Japanese so that I would have to depend on them less and less. Maybe you should have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and motivate him to study Spanish harder. You did a homestay with his parents, how about him doing the same with your parents? I don't mean to brag, but Spanish is an easy language to learn for an English speaker and with him being in Spain, it should be getting easier and easier for him. Spain is one of my dream countries. I would love to go to La Tomatina or Running of the Bulls, I see tv shows on the Ibiza parties too so I can't imagine being depressed there hehe

I think that if you are going to go out with other boys and flirt with them, that should be kept secret from your boyfriend. One of my best friends is the same way as you, she has a boyfriend but if we go out, she is always flirting with other guys. That is fine and should be kept to yourself but kissing and blow-jobs are a no-no, that should be only done with your boyfriend if you really love him. You have gotten close with his family too so it is a big step in your relationship. Help him to become stable again by motivating him. Some guys like myself need a swift kick in the butt to get moving. Good luck to you!

[Cain]

I don't think you're ready for a relationship. You're acting like quite the little cheating slut right now and I think you should break up with your bf immediately. He doesn't deserve to be with a woman that can't be faithful to him.

And of course he's depressed. He moved to a country where he doesn't know the language to be with a girl that he thought wanted to be with him. You should tell him so that he can go ahead and move back to his own country and move on with his life without you.