21 year old male virgin. My world is just crumbling. What do I do?

[Michael89]

Hi. I am a 21 year old unkissed virgin and I have never had any kind of relationships. I have tried to google people like me to see what kind of replys they might get, but I can't really find anyone that is like me. Usually older male virgins might be very shy or have problems dealing with social situation, but I am not like that at all. I am social, I have allways had many friends and I have absolutely no problems talking to people I havent met before (also girls, just not in the same degree as boys).

The problem is that I haven't really met any girls which has been into me, this is probably because I can seem sort of superior and not interested (the leader of the pack sort of role). But the thing thats killing me is that all kinds of people around me are finding themself girlfriends, even people who are completely quiet if there is a person in the room they don't know. The sad conclution I have kind of made is that I have a personality that no girls would like to date or that my apperence is hiddeus (I am overweight, but except that Im pretty normal). I say to myself that this is ofcourse not the case, but then again I can't see any other reasons I don't know why I can't just let myself a little loose and just try to pick up some girl even though it might lead to me making an ass of myself but the thing is that I am just terrified of doing og saying something wrong. I often wake up the morning after a party having emotinoal shock-like sensations of small things I may have said wrong the last night, things the person I said them to might not even remember. If I were to try to pick up a girl and fail I would probably drop right into severe depression the next day

I have sort of accepted the role as a spectator in the love-show, like an emotional a-sexual (I am thinking of just announcing myself as that ) But this is kind of not working out for me. I am depressed and I'm planning to see a doctor about it in a week or so, but it's not a bad guess to say that it is the virginity causing it. I feel very hopeless and have absolutely no idea on how to change things.

Is there anyone who can give me any kind of comforting words? Is there any hope? I also want to hear what you girls have to say to this. If I did manage to find myself a girl, would you want me to tell you that I am a virgin?

[vertical_sky]

The problem is that I haven't really met any girls which has been into me, this is probably because I can seem sort of superior and not interested (the leader of the pack sort of role).

I also want to hear what you girls have to say to this. If I did manage to find myself a girl, would you want me to tell you that I am a virgin?

Well you identified your problem right there... You seem superior and not interested. Fortunately, this is pretty easy to fix. All you need to do is focus on THEM. Let's say you find a girl you're interested in. Start a conversation with her, and try to focus on her.... meaning, ask her questions about herself, make comments (NICE comments) on what she says, show an interest in her. If she's a good conversationalist, she'll do the same. A good conversation should go like this:

You: So do you like any sports?
Her: Yes, I love <Sport A.>
You: Oh I also enjoy <Sport A.> {Insert BRIEF explanation, no more than 4 sentences at max.} Do you <play Sport A often/also enjoy Sport B>?

You can substitute any subject in the <>. The easiest way to show a person you like them is by focusing on them, and the easiest way to get a person to like YOU is to focus on them while also throwing out tidbits of information. (That'll keep the girl from seeing you as a doormat, because you ARE discussing yourself a little, and also keep you mysterious which will intrigue her.)

As for being a virgin, frankly, I don't think it's a big deal. I would for sure want the guy to tell me... If nothing else, it'd be fun to deflower him!

[Michael89]

Thanks for the reply. Having a conversation with a girl is not problem at all, I could have given myself that exact advice, but what do I do after? I have noe problem have a conversation with a girl and I'm a really good listener (I hear girls like that) and I can often see that girls like talking to me, but this is just as a friend or some kind person swallowing and listening to her problems or whatever, I have never gotten a girl into me. I feel that there is some next step I'm not taking, but If I were to start flirting and giving out complements I would feel like a complete jerk and I would believe the girl thinking "who does this guy think he is?" or something like that

[RockNRoll]

You can always work on you appearance, if you are not completely satisfied. And you'll be doing it for yourself, not for the girls. But it will boost your confidence anyway, so may help!

It's great that you don't have conversation problems with girls. But you have a strange idea about flirting and compliments. That's nothing wrong with complementing a girl if you mean it. It's always nice to get a sincere compliment! It could be more tricky with flirting, but you can start with something easy, tasteful and innocent. And don't worry about saying something wrong (it's not a exam, so you can't be that wrong, unless it's something really nasty). To be honest, you still have something to work on about your communication.

The next step seems to be - asking a girl out for a date. What about your dating experience???
I am sure there are many girls that would like to go on a date with you and possibly develop relationship. As you say, you are pretty normal. Sometimes you see girls going out with really bad guys, so it looks like a "pretty normal" might have good chances. Just don't wait around, you need to be proactive, because no decent girl will do your job for you.

There is nothing wrong with you being a virgin and you should be open with a girl about it at the right time.

And the last, but probably the most important. You mentioned your depression and also some other worries, and it's great that you are seeing a doctor about it! Fix this problem first, become happy with yourself before getting involved into relationship.

[BeneathTheSun]

Why would you be depressed if you get rejected? It's a part of the game. It's like a soccer player would cry if he lost the ball. That's just not how it's done. Dating is a numbers game and if you approach 12 people only one of those will be available for something more. At some point you will have to commit to what you want and pursue your goal.

Since you are able to talk to girls I will give you the best advice I've found out for myself. This is so powerful if performed right. Be able to walk away (off course you can't do this if you meet the girl in the streets) but if you're at a party. Approach her, give her a complimant. This will start this rejection: "Okay, so he is in to me, now I need to figure out if I like him back" stay a moment for a brief conversation and then get up and leave. This happens: "?? What? am I not pretty enough? Did I say something wrong?" she is off her high horse. Entertain yourself for awhile and when you come back say: "Name, I don't want to be too forward but is there a chance I can call you after tonight?" this has worked for me everytime even if the girl has a boyfriend. So get the numbers, get the dates, get rejected by 11 people and find the girl you like. Virgin or not, everything will fall in to place. Just commit.

[vertical_sky]

I feel that there is some next step I'm not taking, but If I were to start flirting and giving out complements I would feel like a complete jerk and I would believe the girl thinking "who does this guy think he is?" or something like that

The next step after a conversation: ask her out.

Really. Seriously.

Say," Hey I really enjoyed talking to you. Let's grab coffee/a drink/dinner/a movie sometime." This is why guys end up in the friend zone; they don't make their move soon enough. Girls think the guy isn't interested, say "Oh but he was such a great listener/good to talk to, which is exactly the quality I want in a friend!" and into the Zone he goes.

Oh girls wouldn't look down at you like "Who does this guy think he is?" Everybody loves being flattered and given positive attention! (But don't be a sop.) If a girl DOES think that, then what a snob, and it's a good thing you didn't get involved with her! Who wants a girlfriend who looks down her nose at a compliment?

[red_sparrow]

lol my Bf had this fear the first time we went out. he is slightly on the weighty side, too. he thought he did something wrong. and he did.

for some odd fking reason we're still together after 6 months.