Odd dating progression

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

So I've been dating this girl for about 2 months. She's 23, I'm 25. About 10 months ago she ended a serious 3 year relationship (well, she was dumped, and took it hard). Since our second or third date, I've felt like she's been trying hard to keep things fairly platonic between us almost, with the exception of us kissing/making out a little at the end of the dates. She told me she's afraid of getting "too serious" at this point because of getting hurt in her last relationship. Then a couple weeks after that, I brought it up again and told her that I felt like she was deliberately trying not only to not get close, but to make things awkwardly platonic even though we both used the term "dating" for what we've been doing. She again said she wants to "take things slow and get to know [me] better before making a serious commitment."

Now am I crazy, or is this a pretty strange approach to things? Granted, she's still probably not over her ex, or at least the effect him dumping her had on her. But she's made it clear she wants to "date" me, but when we're together it's a lot less like dating than it is like "friends." It's not like I'm just trying to get into her pants, and this thread really isn't even about sex anyway. It just feels like she's intentionally trying to keep herself from being too flirty with me, or whatever. It's hard to explain, but her view seems to be "talk to a guy a lot, just as friends, kiss him a few times, then if I finally decide he 'qualifies' by some point several months later, time for a big committment." That's like skipping a million steps. I know/assume she's not talking about anything crazy like marriage, but how do you know if you'll jive with someone in a romantic (and yes, physical) way if you intentionally try to avoid that up until some arbitrary point at which you suddenly expect to be in love or something?

Should I just bail? Part of me wants to stick with it since we're both in grad school programs that are very busy/time consuming . . . so we both understand what each other's lifestyle is like, which is very hard to find in a potential girlfriend/boyfriend outside of grad school. And the amount/pace of the work in both of our programs is so insane that it can be pretty isolating (for my program, at least) and it's easy to feel lonely at times. Sounds pathetic, I realize, but that's how it goes.

Anyway, should I just pack up my balls and leave? Or talk to her again and explain this to her somehow?

[Nils]

From what you write, I think her reaction sounds perfectly natural. In fact, perhaps you should be glad she doesn't jump straight into your arms, as that could mean she's just trying to get over her ex. The fact that she wants to proceed slowly with you seems to me to suggest that she sees potential in you, and doesn't want to ruin anything by getting ahead of herself.

If you really like this girl, I think you should give her time. If you do that, it seems to me she might well open up.

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

I suppose those are good points, thanks for the reply. I guess, in the past, girls I've dated have been a little more open to being more "flirtacious", for lack of a better word, when we were together, as early as a month or a month and a half in. I guess I just never really know when a "reasonable" amount of time for two people to start acting that way with each other is. It's an awkward transition from "two relatively-strangers essentially interviewing each other" to "boyfriend and girlfriend." It's just slightly frustrating for me since we just started school up again now, so we have even less time to see each other and "get to know each other." I mean, I'm trying to get to know her better too, but I feel like she's kinda putting up some shields, which probably causes me to do the same, and it just perpetuates things. We're both very sarcastic by nature, which probably doesn't help much.

I guess I'm just not entirely sure how I'm supposed to be going about this on my end. I definitely agree with your points about getting over her ex and not jumping straight into my arms. It just sort of feels like I'm auditioning for a role in a TV show, and I'm just waiting to hear back from the producer. Add to that my overall tendency to sabotage myself by ending things first so as to avoid being the one getting dumped/rejected, and it just makes things difficult for me. But I'm trying here.

[Nils]

I don't know if there's that much you can do except giving her more time, perhaps a couple of months or so. If she still doesn't give any signs of opening up, then perhaps you should talk directly to her about it.

[Feonixbrimstone]

shes not comfortable dating seriously shes hurt to their core. you have to be there to help her heal it, take things slow. you want to push the borders but only gently just a little tap everyone in a while to see if she'll let you in. try to think about it form her point of view. you've only been going out 2 months that's pretty short in my book. you try rushing into this relations ship and your never gonna have a honest connected relationship.

[GuyWhoDoesStuff]

Seems like sensible advice here. I'm just not used to this pace of things, but maybe that's why my "relationships" haven't really been all that successful in the past. Right now our "dates" basically consist of meeting for lunch every weekend or other weekend, we talk, and then a small kiss afterwards. Then she'll text me during the week.

I don't know, I like her, but it just feels like "well, I'm kinda feeling you out here, but I've got at least one foot out the door." It seems to me that dating generally involves, after at least several dates and an increased comfort level, more "affectionate" behavior, I guess for lack of a better term. I'm not talking about sex, but I'm talking about the overall dynamic. We're clearly comfortable with each other, but it feels like we're a couple that's been together for 20 years, after any semblance of romance has flown out the door. I don't know how to really describe it, but it's strange. I think what I'm afraid of is that she's really just looking for someone to fill that "guy I can just talk to about mundane daily things with" void that was left when her boyfriend of several years left, but without the rest of the things associated with two people in the first couple months of dating.

Her demeanor/language suggests that she has two settings: Platonic and Married. I fully understand she's still hurting from the whole ordeal, which is why I'm almost wondering why she's been actively dating (again, just to fill that void for the time being?) And I'm not pushing her to suddenly be in a serious committed relationship with her. But half the fun is the progression from "first date" to that committed point, and you don't know whether you're gonna even get there without going through that "honeymoon" stage when you're dating for the first couple months. But there really isn't anything like that going on most of the time with us.


Am I wasting my time? Am I a jerk? I'm kinda confused as to what reasonable expectations are these days.

[onzero]

that sounds really frustrating.

i'm kind of in a similar situation myself except mine is a lot younger (20) but i'm 25 as well.

i hate it for you man, it sucks when you really care about someone, you know they care about you, but they still have these wounds that they're nursing... it's really hard to be patient i know, but nothing in life is easy my friend, nothing worthwhile at least.

find some way to keep your mind off it, use the extra drive towards your work and just make sure the stress isn't overwhelming. as long as you can handle it without it taking a toll on your life or burning you out i'd say stick with it.

[SAVANAH]

Give her time, she's not only doing this for herself but for you also... she's trying to spare you heartache as well, she seems like a really nice person and if it's too much for you to deal with better call it quits now before you also break her heart...

What you expect, don't you see, it's hard to do what she's doing but she's doing it for you, cause she likes you and wants to give you a fair chance....

Open your eyes guy!