What is going on in his head?1

[tropigal82]

OK so, for the background to this situation see my thread 'My Boyfriend wants to be friends before being lovers.' (Although you get the idea....) To summarise: 6 months ago he swept me off my feet, I fell head over heels for him, he introduced me to his family and some friends, he was affectionate and caring and romantic BUT in the bedroom nothing ever happened, other than me touching him 'down there'. Then just before xmas he became distant and said we should 'take things slowly' because his past relationships were v destructive. I was understanding and said ok fine. A few days later he said infact we should take two steps back. But now its as if we have taken a hundred steps back and he only kisses me on the cheek and gives me a quick hug, and never wants to stay round. I thought


Saw him today, spent about 6 hours together. His 'valentines day surprise' was to take me to the Saatchi Gallery (very famous art gallery in London) and then for a late lunch at a little Italian restaurant. We had a nice time although he's still keeping his distance physically. Although whenever I touched him he didn't 'recoil'. In fact even when we were having a discussion about the clothes-making course I did, I was talking about sewing a pair of jeans together and that I could never get the fly right, and he said 'which bit?' and I put my hand on his crotch and winked!!! Ha ha... Cheeky. But he didn't object! :-)

So I was trying to 'garner' information about whether he has another 'love interest' (i.e another woman) - seeing as it was Valentines Day, and we were talking about 'Valentines Day' Cards and we both agreed they were a bit silly and tacky. Then I joked "don't tell me you haven't received any from your legions of female admirers (tongue in cheek) and he said "I don't have legions of female admirers. None of them would put up with me. You're the only one who put's up with me." (meaning, puts up with his grumpy moods and the amount of time he spends with his male friends.) Later on we were talking about our plans for summer. I said I plan to drive down to Cornwall (5 hour drive away) and stay with my brother who lives by the ocean, maybe do some surfing. Anyway he surprised me by saying "can I come with you?". Wow... so he wants to come on holiday with me 5 or 6 months from now, WTF. I can't figure this guy out!!!

As I drove him home (he didn't have his car this weekend) he asked me these exact words, "do you see yourself getting married ever?" and I said "yeah, I'd like to one day. But I wouldn't marry someone just for the sake of it. It would have to be the right reasons." and he said, "for love?" and I said "yes." Then, after a brief pause I said, "so do you see yourself getting married one day?" and he replied "one day, but I'm in no great rush." HMMM.... so I really dunno what to make of that, do guys normally ask these things to girls they are not interested in, or why would he ask me that? Strange! (We are both 27).

At the end of the day we went to meet his grandparents (first time I had met them) and had a cup of tea. His grandparents were amazing and I had a great chat with his grandfather about the KGB, the Russian Gulags and the War e.t.c. They seemed to like me!!! :-D

[Petit Papillon]

My ex's family seemed to like me too. Well it didn't stop him from cheating on me and treating me like crap You know... You should rather focus on how Your bf is treating You on the first place, then his family... You can be easily replaced

[mrtdg82]

Breifly gazed over your last post and i must say its a weird situation.

From experience (but hey im from Essex so that dont say much) a guy waiting for sex is rather odd. I must say even with all my experience i have never come across an encounter like yours. If he introduces you to friends and family it is generally a good sign however the lack of physical contact is alarming to say the least especially after some time.

The problem you have is that i cant see it changing. He wont ever become a wild animal and want to dive on you because if he was he would have done that by now. Now whilst im not suggesting this is what you want or need for that matter a relationship needs a level of passion which he quite clearly lacks.

For what reason? I dont know. If he was a lot older then id put it down to a low sex drive but at 27 (which is my age) id expect him to still have some lead in his pencil if you know what im saying. im never fond of someone blaming previous relationships for the way they are with someone physically as passion or lust is very hard to hide if you feel it for someone. I understand if someone doesnt want to go for full sex with someone or even want to get too close but after that amount of time? I would of thought the barrier would of been lifted by now even if only partially.

Therefore i can only guess that it is something medically wrong.

[Petit Papillon]

Plus , You don't have to post the same thread twice (especially in the same forum) .I deleted Your other thread.

[tropigal82]

Sorry this I accidentally posted this thread before I finished writing it!!! The complete version of the thread is now posted!!! LOL sorry!!!

> mrtdg82 ah, an essex boy? me and this guy (above mentioned) are also from essex (me colchester, him brentwood)

Thanks for your advice. I have also come to conclude that it must be a medical problem that he is embaressed about. Because he talks about sex and asked me about my sexual fantasies and he said that he loves the passionate and uninhibited sex etc so clearly he doesn't have a low sex drive), also when i was round his place about 3 weeks ago I saw all these letters addressed to him in NHS envelopes, he opened his other post but not those letters. Which makes me think. Hmm... But what sort of medical condition lasts so long? And why would he be so ashamed of it?

I wish he wasn't embarressed or ashamed because I would be understanding and supportive. I wonder how to ask him?

[Petit Papillon]

Sorry this I accidentally posted this thread before I finished writing it!!! The complete version of the thread is now posted!!! LOL sorry!!!

Doesn't mean You have to post something twice, just use 'edit post' feature. Yes,it's so simple.

[mrtdg82]

Ah im Hornchurch but police in Basildon....

It has to be medical. Im not entirely sure what you should do really as you have already tried speaking to him but he hasnt budged. As i said though he isnt going to change so its down to you how you approach the matter and how comfortable you are with a non physical relationship. My concern is that this guy has so many closed doors, if he hasnt started opening them up to you after 6 months then when will be the time?

[Lipp]

I love it when a guy doesn't want to jump into bed and the woman has to assume that he's either psychologically impaired, has a medical condition or keeps a secret lover.

[mrtdg82]

I love it when a guy doesn't want to jump into bed and the woman has to assume that he's either psychologically impaired, has a medical condition or keeps a secret lover.

Its been 6 months mate.... Id have respect for someone who waited a month after a few dates or maybe a little longer but 6 months? That would get anyones alarm bells ringing. Plus physical affection is important in any relationship and if he isnt showing it then there is a problem.

[Lipp]

Its been 6 months mate.... Id have respect for someone who waited a month after a few dates or maybe a little longer but 6 months? That would get anyones alarm bells ringing. Plus physical affection is important in any relationship and if he isnt showing it then there is a problem.

he started saying how "he wanted to take two steps backwards, and take things slow, and he didn't want to make things sexual between us yet, because he 'respects me' and he would rather be friends before we become lovers... and that all his previous relationships have been destructive (one of his ex-gf's used to beat him violently, another one was a bad influence drugs & alcohol abuse etc...) , (whereas I don't drink, smoke or take drugs) anyway he said that 'this time things are different' and that he doesn't want to 'ruin it'...

With ^ in mind, I don't see the point of her analyzing absolutely everything he does and pondering other possibilities, it's already been said and done, and you can get a whole lot of physical intimacy (hell, she even says that she's already touched him "down there") without having to resort to sex.

[tropigal82]

Hmm. I know that its stupid to be over analysing everything, but sometimes I just feel that he' only giving me part of the story. Its frustrating when he put a wall around himself since being sober and he just seems like a bit of a lost soul now. But I love him and I don't want to just give up on him, it's just his signals are so confusing and contradictory. He still hasn't texted me back since Sunday, I don't know whether to phone him tomorrow to ask if he's OK, or whether that's a bad idea. I do know he said he had a very busy week this week, but... too busy even for a text? :o(

[mrtdg82]

Hmm. I know that its stupid to be over analysing everything, but sometimes I just feel that he' only giving me part of the story. Its frustrating when he put a wall around himself since being sober and he just seems like a bit of a lost soul now. But I love him and I don't want to just give up on him, it's just his signals are so confusing and contradictory. He still hasn't texted me back since Sunday, I don't know whether to phone him tomorrow to ask if he's OK, or whether that's a bad idea. I do know he said he had a very busy week this week, but... too busy even for a text? :o(

He hasnt text you since Sunday? Now that is odd. Originally i wouldnt of thought that there might be someone else due to you meeting his parents etc... however you really dont seem to be onto a winner with this one im afraid.

[dewilliams2]

Tell him you want to know what he has in mind for your relationship and that your concerned that he isn't showing any physical affection towards you. Make sure he understands that you really like him and want to get physical with him.

Maybe he does have a medical problem...are you sure it all works right down there?

Or you could always just try inviting him over and jumpin him....if he turns you down when your all over him then I don't really know...I guess move on.

[davidtorres]

Just go with the flow. You're over analyzing this guy. Obviously,he likes you and when you grab his crotch and he didnt object? thats a sign of "hey you can have it".

[tropigal82]

Oh F****K!

The Good News... is that I looked at his Facebook profile and his status update explained why I hadn't heard from him, said he has food poisoning - his status update is "....being sick". I phoned him an had a chat, he said thanks for calling and I said I hoped he gets well soon.

The BAD BAD BAD news is that someone (a girl) had posted a comment saying "love sick?" and I clicked on her facebook profile and there was a photo of HER and HIM (i.e the guy I'm talking about.) They look all loved up and he has his arm around her. WTF. This photo was added 4th Jan 2010. But it also appears in her album "best memories of 2009." I started shaking when I saw this. Does this mean he is still seeing her now? Or was this before he started seeing me?

It really really hurts to see this photo of them all loved up, when there's not even a photo of me and him togethor. Did they break up? Are they still togethor. If they are still togethor then why ..... F***k my mind is on overdrive. I don't know whether to confront him but without sounding like I've spied on her facebook page.

Argghh noooooooooooo!!!! :-(