How to forget what he did in the past?

[Rym]

Hi! I’ve been desperately trying to deal with this and can’t seem to get past it. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He recently turned 31, I’m 19, almost 20. We’ve had times we broke up but always went back together. I never once went with anyone else even during the times when we were “broken up” which usually never lasted more than 1 week (even less) then we would meet and discuss about it. We’ve had two major break-ups in our relationship, one last November, and another one this February. The thing is that I never actually consider them as “break-ups” rather let’s take some distance, calm down and then meet and discuss. Although I’ve never went with another guy during these “break-ups” he did sleep with a girl he briefly dated before me (they just went on a few dates but it didn’t work out). That was in November. I met her before. When me and my bf broke up, I even contacted her to meet her because I was in a very bad state, and needed to talk to someone. A few days later I got back with my bf again, then 2 weeks later, in a small argument, he told me he slept with her. I felt so betrayed, since I actually went and talked to her, and that was after they slept together and didn’t tell me a thing. We talked about it, I told him how I felt, and he told me that he felt very emotionally insecure every time we break up that’s why he did and although we weren’t together at the time, it felt like he was cheating.

We get in February, we’re in a huge fight and break it off. We talked by Facebook, I proposed that we meet, but he told me he was with Evelyne (one of his exes). I knew they were supposed to meet up weeks before. He even asked me for permission if that was okay just to catch up. So he told me he was with Evelyne, then no answer for the rest of the night until the next morning, where he asks me to meet. A few days later he told me he had unprotected sex with her. I felt devastated. Once again, he told me it felt like cheating, but we weren’t together since we had broken up. We get back together, we become better persons. Then we get in an argument a few weeks later, I distance myself, and we meet up he tells me he wants to break it off, that this is not working. I didn’t want to, I kept saying that we could make it better, and we finally decide to give it another try but in the form of an open relationship. I welcomed the idea, thinking that it will allow me to emotionally detach myself a little bit, and it will allow me to go see new friends and make new acquaintances. In fact, it made me become more distant and he noticed.

A week after we started being in an open relationship, he told me he will go out. I didn’t want to go out that night and went at my place. The next day, I noticed his text messages on Facebook were distant and he told me that he hooked up with a girl and that the condom broke (we did discuss that if it happens we have to let each other know). I was devastated once again. I couldn’t believe it. He even told me that it’s not because we can do it, that we have to. And there he did it. We met up where I was honest and I realized that I couldn’t do this anymore. I told him if he wants to go on and continue like this, it would be without me. I was ready to finish it all, because I wasn’t going to continue it like that. We became exclusive again. Everything went perfectly well. But I was curious as to who the girl he slept with was. He just told me that it was a random girl at the club.

So one day, I looked through his Facebook messages while he was in the shower and I saw a conversation with a girl named Monika. She doesn’t live in Montreal, she lives in Germany, but I saw a bunch of sexual messages between them, where she even sent him a picture of her in underwear. He started the conversation by saying “Ah Monika why are you so far away” and she answered suggestively. The last message was him saying that he was back together with me. And she said that it was ok and to text him whenever he was “in between relationships”. The date was the same day he told he hooked up with a girl, meaning while we were in the open relationship. I immediately confronted him but he exploded out of anger because he couldn’t believe that I went to look through his messages and that it was complete breach of trust. He told me that I compromised myself for a story that had absolutely no value and that was no longer even relevant and that we decided together to be in an open relationship. Needless to say he broke up with me.

A few days later he asked to meet up and we discussed about it. I asked him some questions such as how long they have been talking like that. He told since last November, she messaged him once telling him he looks really handsome on a picture she saw of me and him on her feed, and that she was constantly complimenting him. She was a high school friend and he told me they never had anything before. We got back together. I thought I could get over it. I asked him if I have to worry about it again. He told me no. But the thing is that I can’t stop thinking about her. I think about her all the time. She disgusts me so much. Last week, I was almost not thinking about her anymore, until Saturday he told me that he wrote to her telling her that I actually saw their messages and he told me she said “I don’t know what to say”. I asked him why he told her that he said because he thought it was funny. Then he said Oh you can look if you want, and I accepted. He said he was disappointed that I don’t trust him. I said I did trust him but I still wanted to see. He then said ok, but he had to tell me that she still went on and complimented him telling him he was handsome and all, to which he just replied “haha ok”. Then since we were in a club, he said he’ll show me another time. He never showed me. Of course, how do I bring up “Hey you never showed me the messages, show me” one day or days later?

This has got me so obsessed I went to look through their messages again. I saw the date he send her the message about me seeing their messages was on Thursday, which was the day we had a small argument over a small issue. What he said was true, although she said at the end that she’s admitting that she’s not feeling as motivated anymore to come to Montreal now that he’s back in a relationship and wondering if she’ll sleep with her boss in the meantime. This time, I scrolled up and saw that even before we were in an open relationship, while we were on “break” once again, they actually Skyped, after a bunch of sexual innuendos. After Skyping he said that it was the first time, so it was normal it was a bit awkward. I scrolled even up and saw she send pictures of her in gym clothes, and other pictures of her cooking to which he replied “She’s smart, she cooks, she’s pretty, how come you’re still single again?”

I just hate them. I hate her, because she’s so disgusting, messaging a guy that’s in a relationship and not stopping. And him. I feel so disgusting as well. I have my future in front of me, I am 19, I am a girl that constantly tries to please him, that wants to spend my entire life with him. I actually am serious about our relationship, I never go sleep around. She’s 30 what does she have? I feel like I am not enough, although I should be. She’s not even as pretty. I don’t know if their relationship was more than just a bunch of sexual messages, or if it was an actual real interest in her. Obviously, she’s so interested in him she can’t keep her hands away. I asked him about her yesterday. I asked once again if I have anything to worry about. He said no. I asked him why he wrote to her again saying that I saw the messages, he just answered he thought it was funny. I told him that it’s not by answering “haha ok” that she’ll ever stop, that’s not how she’ll ever get the message if he doesn’t clearly tell her that he’s not interested. Then I asked him if perhaps he was interested. He told me no and that he didn’t want to delete her since they were still friends. I let it go.

But Monika is still everywhere in my mind even when we have sex, I am wondering if he thinks about her. The thing is that he is very sweet, he compliments me all the time, tells me how much he loves me, how he wants to do right by me, be a better bf, how I am his woman, and all, and I believe him. But can’t you not be in love with someone but still show interest in someone else?

Guys, I really don’t know what to do. I can’t always go through his messages and check, I will become crazy like that. I can’t always be insecure. I am just thinking of our next argument, will he start writing to her again? Or anyone else? The whole Skype thing disgusts me even more, because they were in direct contact. I am so madly in love with him, but I am turning crazy. I don’t like to always ask him about it because then I just look like a pathetic insecure girlfriend. But that’s what I became. Getting jealous of a 30 year old woman from Germany. But what they said they would do to each other… it’s just always in my mind. I want to get over it. I want him to delete her. Or I want him to tell her to stop message him and to show me. He doesn’t want me to enter in contact with my ex because he was a “douchebag”, but then I don’t want them to ever talk to themselves again. I don’t care if they are friends or not. All I can imagine every time I see him online on Facebook is if he is talking to her, every time he brings his phone with him in the bathroom and closes his computer, all it does is it makes me be suspicious. How do I get over it? What are your suggestions? Do you think I should be firm and tell him that I want him to delete her, or am I just blinding myself?

For now, I am thinking of telling him that I do now understand why he wrote to her again, and I do not want them to be in contact, so to ask him to delete her. And just see how he reacts from there... I guess if he reacts badly to it, then I'll just broke it off, if he can't do what I ask him to, then I don't want to deal with him anymore. What do you think? How do you think he will react if I ask him that?

I need help. And I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading.

[melancholia]

It's not about you. It's not about the other women. It's entirely about him. He is doing whatever he wants, when he wants. He breaks up with you so he can go f&ck other women and you allow him to do it. You bend so much that you actually agreed to an open relationship when you didn't even want one. He doesn't have to do anything to keep you, because you are right there waiting for him to come back to you. And he always does because he gets bored of trying to sleep with new women, so he comes back to you so he can f*ck you and pretend like you have some substance of an actual relationship. He doesn't treat you properly at all. Why do you continue to put yourself through this? That is what you should be asking yourself, rather than what to do about your scumbag boyfriend. You can ask him to delete her, you can ask him every day to stop talking to other women, you can ask him if he's sure he only wants to be with you, and he will tell you everything you want to hear, and then he will turn around and disrespect you again, and again, and again. At this point, your best option is to break the cycle. Learn that you are worth so much more than the way he treats you. He doesn't value what you have to offer and you said it yourself in your OP, that you are 19 years old with your entire life ahead of you. You have goals, and aspirations, and hobbies and interests, I am sure. You are more than enough, just the way you are, and you should be with someone who sees that. Don't waste your time with a 40 year old dude who just wants to play around in other ladies' pants. You deserve better. But you need to start believing that for yourself.