Should we try and make this work?

[Kaylan]

Hello all. This may be a bit long winded but I am going to try and summarize as much as possible about myself and my girlfriend of four months. I am sorry that this is so long, but I need an outside opinion and I would like responses. Thanks if you do read the whole thing. I have not talked to my best friend lately so I have had to come here for advice. He is used to my essays more than anyone else. Here goes...

I am 22 and she is 19 and we are both in college. We met last September and at first, supremely disliked each other. We were so alike that we instantly clashed, as we are both stubborn individuals with quick tempers. We then proceeded to find out that we had many of the same interests and became good friends. I started to really like her, way more differently then I have ever liked a girl. So one day I told her how I felt, but she was not over her recent ex and didn’t see me that way. We then didn’t talk for a month as the feelings being out there made it weird. We stopped around November and picked up in December and then became best friends. Talking everyday, texting all the time, getting home just to speak with each other and it was all smiles. So by January I was head over heels again and stated how I felt. This time she was not sure of, if she liked me or not.

From late January to March 16(when we made it official), there was a lot of back and forth with her emotions. She was primarily fighting with how she felt about me because she was not sure if her family would approve. And she was trying to evaluate how much she really wanted me before she would go through anything with them. Her unsure-ness fuels a lot of my insecurity in our current relationship. I had not dated anyone for four years until her because I had trust issues after my first love in high school cheated on me. So there were three times I tried to leave her because I was scared, but we are still together and I just love her. We said the I love you’s and stuff and have been close to sex but not yet, as she is still a virgin and each time we've gotten close, one of us thinks better of it, or something interrupts us. We generally take it as a sign of us not being ready and roll with it.

Now we get along great in terms of intellect, sports, playing video games together, a lot of the same views on life, we have great discussions, and our intimate life is great. However our big problem is our quick tempers and attitudes. We have butted heads since we met, as friends and now as a couple. It has been almost constant throughout the four months till now. And its always about the stupidest things. Like it is never too much about what we say, but how we say things to each other. If one of us is snippy or gives the other an attitude, the other then gets defensive and angry and then we sit and stare and don’t talk. Or we have arguments because we both tend to talk over one another because we want to get points in over the other. Or we fight about what we wanna do for the afternoon, or why the other gave a weird look. We always say we are going to get better and not fight and try to think before we say things to one another. But it has not worked….and two weeks ago…

We were closer to sex than ever. The only reason we didn’t go all the way this time is because the condom was too tight, and that killed what I had going on, if you get my drift. And to be honest, the only reason we got so close is becuase we made a stupid competition out of it. Like chicken, seeing who would back down and say "maybe this isn't such a good idea" first.

So because of the fights she said it made her reevaluate both of our emotions and if we were ready for that next step. Since then she had become rather distant. Less I love you’s, Less I miss you’s, she didn’t kiss me the same, and didn’t initiate foreplay or seem into wanting me to do things either. I mean we still fooled around, but It was mostly me coming on to her lately. And it went from fooling around everytime we saw each other(5 times a week), to once or twice.

Everything came to a head yesterday. Her mom was giving her crap about something around the house, and she goes “im just tired of fighting with someone every day…either with you or someone here….im tired” and she proceeds to have an attitude(at least from my view) with me because shes frustrated by her mother. Of course since I am just like her and don’t take crap for something I didn’t do, I get pissy but just give her the looks we do when we don’t wanna be bothered. And it upset her even more.

So we begin to talk about what has been happening. She said she was tired of the fights and scared of turning into her parents. They fight a lot and her mom always tells her how once her and her brothers are done with college she wants out, and that she stays for them. And I hate that her mother tells her that. She does not want to be like them. So we spent the next three hours crying, talking out our relationship and wondering what to do of all this. And she kept saying she doesn’t wanna hurt me or lose me but sometimes her gut and her heart says we don’t fit, but that she loves me so much.

But the fights make her act different and it seems to me that it alters her love a bit and she doesn’t want that. She says that when shes stressed she can also be horny as hell, but her emotions kill her need to jump me. Which I understand, even though her lack of drive for me the last two weeks was making me feel she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. And I was insecure about that, despite us having a great intimate life. I mean that is also something I don’t really wanna lose because we always make the other feel good and finish….and then the love I feel for her and wanting to take care of her body and the same love I feel because of how she takes care of me.

I told her that despite all the crap I don’t doubt anymore that I want to be with her.

I couldn’t understand at first how silly fights that have nothing to do with how well we connect everywhere else, could affect her feelings for me. But then I thought about how my insecurities before, made me doubt my love for a second and want to run away.

She just kept telling me she didn’t know what to do. And we kept asking each other “what do you wanna do”…she is scared that this will continue and either she will be back at this place of not wanting to deal with it, or that someone will get hurt. We don’t wanna waste each others time and delay the inevitable. But when flirting with the idea of quits, either her or I would break down because we know the friendship would be gone and that moving on and the ifs would hurt. Because we still say that everything else we have fits so well and would be compared to anyone new….and I don’t think I can find someone who I connect with mentally the way I do with her.

At the end of the evening we remained together, but now I am just scared. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I tell myself I deserve better sometime, someone who will stay with me through thick and thin. I mean the stupid fights affect her so much more than me, but I don’t see what she sees at home. I just don’t wanna stay now and then have her leave me or our friendship just be destroyed.

And I don’t want to hurt her. It lingers in my mind. Her saying “I don’t want to lose my best friend…I don’t have this with anyone else” and just crying….all that crying killed me. And she cries and says how she doesn’t feel shes ready for this and how shes not worth it…but we don’t wanna lose one another.

We are together as of now and we said from now on we will check what we want to say in our heads before the words come out. And discuss things without attitude so we can make sure disagreements don’t turn into arguments and fights…but I am hoping this can last. I told her that “ maybe we are different….maybe we have the fights in the beginning and get them out of the way now….maybe we have an extended honeymoon phase later…just the opposite of everyone else….we are so the same….and that’s why we butt heads…just maybe we can be different”

I just love her so much, but sometimes I think I am into this more than her.

Your thoughts? I don’t wanna leave, I need her so much, but I don’t want to hurt her or be hurt in the end.

[icelady1983]

There is a good chance that this is not going to work but there is also some chance that it could work. All I can say is dont get your hopes up.

It is very clear that she is confused with what she wants and I think that she only sees you as a friend and she does not see you as anything more.

I feel that the best thing that you can do is give her some space to fugure out what she really wants and also have some time to figure things out in your head as well. Do not see her or have any contact with her for a week so that she has a good chance to think and clear her head with out you having your say or anything.

I feel that this is the only way you of you both working things out.

I hope this helps.

[Yggdrasil]

As usual, you're not listening to what she's saying, even though it somehow stuck in your mind.

She's saying: she doesn't want to fight every day. So, if you love her as much as you claim, why don't you make the effort, bite your tongue and just be supportive instead of arguing and fighting with her?

Shut up, hold her, kiss her and tell her you love her. Then sit together and don't do a darn thing. If she talks, just let her talk. Shut up, listen. Just shut the hell up and don't try to solve her problems. Simply LISTEN. That's all she wants. Nothing more. It's not rocket science.

Screw the sex, that's not what she needs right now. Start thinking with your brains instead of your pecker.

[Kaylan]

So I will just update you guys. It has been such a weird roller coaster since I posted this. I know its a lot to read, but even if you skim and give an opinion id greatly appreciate it. I need help and advice because I am hurting here

I am a dummie. Because she is my best friend I told her that I posted in a forum. I tell her everything and we share everything, but I think I helped fuel her fears. I posted here and Enotalone. The only response I got there was fairly positive and said she was worth fighting for and put me in good spirits. So I let her read that.

Now when I read icelady1983's response, I was in dim spirits. Since I suck at forming my own opinions, anyone elses on my love life really sways my thinking. As they can be more objective than I. I showed her that one too and asked her her thoughts friday before she came over to hang out. She got upset and felt it was more realistic. I ask her if the friend part was what she was feeling and she said it feels like its been going that way. But that she loves me more than a friend but not in the same way anymore. I truly feel I sabotaged myself by being open with her like I always am. Shes by best friend and we go to each other for advice even about ourselves. But maybe I just delayed the inevitable

She cried and cried and we talked about what we'd do. And we said we would scale things back and evaluate whats been going on with us. We talk a lot more and I said let us just have this day together and not talk about this and be happy for today and worry about it later. She did cry a lot at first, saying she did not want to lose her best friend, but then we were having fun.

We acted like a couple still, kissing, hugging, laying together, but then it moved further. We were both very in the mood and had not had fooled around in a week. So things escalated and we messed around a bit. The whole time we commented and even joked about how complicated we were making things for later. She was acting a lot more forward than she ever has. Going as far as to grab my member(for lack of a better word) as we were naked and pull me in close to her and say some suggestive words. Long story short, we went that extra mile finally but stopped half way through because of the pain she was feeling.


Yes it was stupid I know, but I should have been better to prevent it. Saturday was a good day. We hung at the mall and watched a movie at her place and there was a lot of emotion during the day. Tight hugs, she cried, I did a couple times as well becuase we were unsure of what would happen. We agreed to just let her go on her family vacation Sunday and think about things. We agreed not to talk about it till she came back Thursday.

I told her what you said icelady, and that maybe she should go and us not talk till she gets back. But she said she could not get through the day without talking to me. Sunday we texted all day and spoke in the evening. We touched briefly on what was going on but she was still confused and we just let it be. We were still going by the plan of whatever happens happens when she gets back. If she kisses me fine, if she just wants to go to a movie thats fine. Whatever she wanted.


That brings me to today. My first day of my second half summer classes. While in class she texts me that she had sort of thought of what she wanted to do, but then had a dream last night that confused her. When I called her to talk, she said she couldnt recall the dream too well and then I asked her to tell me what she thinks of the last week. She said she didnt know and I told her my feelings and thoughts.

She then said maybe that she should have time to be single and think to herself. But when I asked her what it meant for us and how we were sposed to act around each other, she said she didnt know. I said we needed some kind of ground rules, but she wanted to see how things went with us but still have "options'. That right there triggered my alarm.


We talked and I told her if she loved me she didnt need options and she said its not that I dont want you anymore, I just need it like this in the case that I need something different. And I asked her how did things change, and you tell me im the most important person in your life and that you trust me the most, then why this. She agrees that we connect mentally, emotionally and phsyically great, but something changed how she loved along the way, but I stayed the same. I just dont get it. We have what people pine for in a mate. To connect in all those areas but I guess the fights and stuff at home changed all that.


She cried a lot today and said she did not want to lose me, but I did not know what to do. She wants me to be her best friend, but having things open makes stuff potentially even more complicated. And i asked her if someone asked her out from work in the next two weeks what would she do, and she said shed go as friends and see if she liked them. And that said it. She just didnt want me anymore, even though she says its not the case.

I just didnt understand especially after friday and that great day we had after the talking, I didnt know what happened. We have not had a passionate day like that in a few weeks and it seemed to roll off her back and I felt used. She said she felt somethign too but that it didnt change the thoughts in her head.

So I decided that I needed time away from her. And as I told her my final thoughts and feelings, she cried so much and told me how she did not want things like this and needed her best friend. And even texted me after "i always here, dont be a stranger please" I was pretty final about it. And I hate to hear or see her be this upset.

She cried telling me "it may not seem like it to you but youre the most important person in my life right now". And when I asked her to give me her objective view on what she would tell a friend in this situation she texted me saying " id tell them to prepare for the worse emotionally, but to follow what their heart wants"...i mean its confusing but I write it off as a young girl who didn't know what she wanted and getting scared and at a glimpse of a serious relationship.

She said it before that it became to much for her, and thats when she wanted time to think. And its come to this. Me saying I cannot talk to her right now, so I dont get hurt further, and us both crying alone. Away from one another.

I have cried and cried this evening, and will find a way to get through this. But I truly lost my best friend and the girl in life who I connected with most ever. How do you cope with that, I would like to know?

And did I make the right decision leaving to prevent myself from being hurt more down the line?

I was scared this would happen from the get go with all the back and forths we had.

The girls I pick always lose the feelings before I do, and move on first, which makes me feel that I am never worth it. What makes it worse is that it seemed like me being her first for a lot of things, me being the most important thing in her life, and her trusting me more than anyone else, didnt do anything to fix this. I wish I could hug her now and console her because she says she needs it.

Maybe I will when I go get my things I left at her house on Thrursday.

Thoughts please....I truly feel like I need her and I know she needs me right now, but my friend feels that I will only get hurt more down the line and that this is best.

It hurts so much though and I need opinions.

[Asip4u]

This friend is someone that knows both of you fairly well..if that is the case i really think you should listen to your friend..someone from outside can really see a situation a lot better so its important to listen to that.

my friend feels that I will only get hurt more down the line and that this is best.

[Kaylan]

This friend is someone that knows both of you fairly well..if that is the case i really think you should listen to your friend..someone from outside can really see a situation a lot better so its important to listen to that.

I would say the friend knows me about maybe 1/4 as well as my love does. Either way I know outside opinions see things better, but I am trying to figure out if giving up on the whole thing was right.

I feel so empty because she is truly my best friend and it is weird to have that missing. I know if she was home from vacation we would hold each other tight and console one another.

But it has not stopped being complicated for us since we met. It is stupid to say...but I hope she comes back the same way I did when I ended our friendship in Febuary, and the way I stayed when I tried to leave her a few times in March and April. In Feb it was because I couldnt handle being just friends, but I came back and said I would swallow it and be a grown up and grow through it. She says that she really did want me but was scared and tells me not to think that she was never sure. Just that things changed.

After that I was scared and insecure and tried to leave to protect myself. I am not without my faults, but I can hope she does like I did. Difference is that back then there was no love, shes leaving when there is. I know i went through my ups and downs in what I felt and at times second guessed myself, but this feels different.

*sigh*

[elz]

nice read, dude.. were in the same feather,actually my gurl also like that,i can say that she's not ready for serious or stable relationship because she's on the stage of playing or maybe confused although i feel that she really loved me.. she asked for space and i gave it to her,,it hurts of course but i think it is the best way to let her think on the things she's facing through.

[Kaylan]

nice read, dude.. were in the same feather,actually my gurl also like that,i can say that she's not ready for serious or stable relationship because she's on the stage of playing or maybe confused although i feel that she really loved me.. she asked for space and i gave it to her,,it hurts of course but i think it is the best way to let her think on the things she's facing through.

I even called her last night just to calm her down and keep her from crying on her vacation. We talked some things out and she still cried the whole time. She feels shes losing so much by losing me. And I told her my fears of being around when she meets someone new and if they do things like we have together.

But she says it takes so much trust for her to do those things, and that she still wants us to finish what we started together(the sex). Because it feels like we have but have not, and that I make her feel comfortable and safe with that. She says I just do not understand what is in her head and that she cant not talk to me anymore and that its not that she doesnt want me anymore, but things slowed down.

Could someone please explain to me why she feels so tremendously for me, but the romantic feelings have died. Because everything shes saying and feeling confuse me.

[elz]

you're girl maybe confused in things she's facing through.. ur a lucky guy to have a girl like her. she's still communicating with you and still open about things you want to settle up....you know what... i think there's a real problem about you're girl.. and i think she's afraid of to tell you that..make her feel comfortable even though without sex.

[Kaylan]

you're girl maybe confused in things she's facing through.. ur a lucky guy to have a girl like her. she's still communicating with you and still open about things you want to settle up....you know what... i think there's a real problem about you're girl.. and i think she's afraid of to tell you that..make her feel comfortable even though without sex.

Maybe I am lucky, but I do not feel it right now. And what problem do you possibly mean? I do not really understand what you mean there.

Anyways, Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I just think girls fall for or fall in love with the way I treat them, and me being a nice dude. And not just fall in love with Me as a person. If that makes sense. I dont feel I sabotage myself really, even though I said it before. I feel I dont find girls who truly love me for me.

So I told her the complete no contact thing is gonna have to be the way we go, but we are gonna have one last day together tomorrow without bringing this stuff up. We plan to just enjoy ourselves and our time together as if things were still the same. I mean we would rather part ways like this, on good terms and while near each other, instead of it all being over as she was on vacation, and without seeing her through all this. And I really wish things happened once she got back, but we both did not do a good job of not bringing this up.

So whatever happens happens on our last day and than we take time to heal and become less dependent of each other and learn to not need the other in our lives anymore. Because we have done this before where one person leaves but the other keeps coming back. This time may be it, but o wells.

[elz]

oh well,, goodluck to you dude... keep smiling..

[Kaylan]

oh well,, goodluck to you dude... keep smiling..

So yesterday was our last night together. And no contact begun when she left at 11. She cried so much yesterday and I felt like so bad about leaving, esp after what happened during the evening. We finally crossed that last bridge(so to speak) and I can kinda understand why she said she always knew and wanted it to be me. Better someone that shes close with than some guy. She kept saying how I am the person she trusts always... I mean it may of been silly on both our parts, but something feels there, even if we both want different things at the moment. We still connect and yesterday felt nice to have and we both said we did not regret the night at all.

We actually watched when Harry met Sally together and we said how thats now "our movie", though our ending is different. We started the same way. Hated each other, didn't talk, became best friends, but it doesnt seem like we are ending up together or even as friends. I just continue thinking this is not it. Something else has to come of this, especially after everything we share together and especially after how much harder doing what we did together yesterday made it for us to let go.

We talked everything out and there's seems to be a very small chance of either of us getting what we want out of all this. At least in my opinion. We exchanged key chains and now I have a reminder whenever I leave my house. I just need to know how to cope with all this and if I should give up hope in thinking things will work out in whichever way they decide to. It destroyed me seeing her cry the way she did once it got late and she had to get home. I mean it was the worst I have ever seen her be, and I do not know what to think of myself or the situation.

I feel like I need to stay so we can have each other for a lil longer, but then I am scared of things ending badly in the future. I mean this is not a good ending, but it is better than what else is out there. I mean, time apart feels right but it also feels wrong and I dont know what to do. I know I am sticking to my guns for right now, even though I hate to know shes hurting so bad


I miss my best friend and I feel so alone and lost now. But I do not regret us being together, because I simply treasure the connection we were able to have...Even if I do ask myself sometimes "what if I did not come back to her in February and listened to my fears", because this is exactly what I was afraid of. I was afraid she would lose her feelings and that we would lose each other.

[elz]

are you happy with you're decision? if that will make the both of you happy then maybe its not time for the both of you... theirs a saying that "history repeat itself" so if she's the one for you.. there will be time that destiny will make it happen..

[Kaylan]

are you happy with you're decision? if that will make the both of you happy then maybe its not time for the both of you... theirs a saying that "history repeat itself" so if she's the one for you.. there will be time that destiny will make it happen..

Neither of us are happy right now. But I keep trying to tell myself it is better for the long run.

Thanks for the encouragement. Hopefully this gets easier and the future is bright.