Sexless Relatioship (4 times in 3 years) and Selfish Partner

[Chip123]

Hey

So me and my GF are both 22 and have been together for around 3 years. As the title suggests, weve had sex (if you can call it that) about 4 times in our entire relationship. Every month or so a little bit of foreplay may occur but that's it. By foreplay I mean this: I pleasure her with my fingers for around 2 minutes until she is satisfied, then she gets up, goes to the bathroom, gets back in bed then goes to sleep. That's it, she doesn't even touch me, or kiss me.

And you may have guessed this, but its killing me. For 2 years of out relationship we were at Uni together, even lived together for a year. The situation now is that shes at home working, and I;m doing a masters degree about 40 miles away. We see each other once a week or once every 2 week, usually overnight. You'd have thought we couldn't wait to have sex? Think again. We just have the foreplay I mentioned before, or absolutely nothing at all.

I've spoken to her about this. She always agrees, says she wants it more. Makes all these plans/promises. But its just words and empty promises, nothing ever changes. And at the end of these discussions I always end up feeling guilty for wanting more sex, or feel like a bad person and end up apologizing to her. I'm not sure if thats because of her reaction or what she says to me, or something else.

The last time we had (barely) sex was about 14 months ago.

Its driving me insane, about 6 month ago I essentially gave up and accepted it just wasn't part of our relationship, and it wasn't going to happen. I'd just have to live with it. The problem now is its getting me down, i feel no connection or emotion to her whatsoever. She barely even kisses me when we do meet, i just feel nothing. She told me one of her elderly family members had gone into hospital, I felt no sympathy so had to fake it. If I go to see her, (she never comes to me) I don't look forward to it. In fact I dread it.

I just feel like a friend that deals with the shit a boyfriend has to.

I am trying so so so so hard not to stray, I'll be honest, its crossed my mind, but I havn't done. I'm 22 and get less sex than a single guy 3 years my junior. I listen to people talka bout their sex life, or people moaning they only get it once a week. Once a week! I would kill for that!

What do I do??

Help!

[Wakeup]

If you're asking for someone to give you permission to break up with her, then you've got mine.

[Chip123]

I just don;t get it. We have zero intimacy, but then she talks about it like she wants it, but its just empty words. Even single people have more sex than I do. Its absolutley driving me insane. Latley I've been worried about how much porn i watch. But the only reason I do that is because I get nothing else, its the only way I stay sane.

[Wakeup]

Like I said, if you're looking for permission to break up with her, then you've gone mine.

[Chip123]

This is the thing thoough, I can't break up with her. I don';t know why, but I just can't. I don't wanna hurt her.

[Wakeup]

Then welcome to your world, Mr. Lazy-Ass-who's-too-set-in-your-ways-to-better-your-lot !
Maybe you should tell her you're going out to get some sex tonite because you're not getting it from her? Maybe you should keep your fingers to yourself as well.

[Cerby]

This is the thing thoough, I can't break up with her. I don';t know why, but I just can't. I don't wanna hurt her.

This is your inner pussy coming out. It isn't about not hurting her, it is that you'd rather this than nothing at all (even though that is what you're getting anyways). You two are sexually incompatible and should break up. If you're 3 years in and this is the problem, it probably isn't going to get better.

Have you considered sleeping with other women? It is easier to do if you're single...

[michelle23]

This is not a relationship-shes not your gf. Bf and gf have sex, have oral, touch each other etc regularly. Your wasting your time. You have to end it. I recommend you break up with her now and tell her straight up that its bcoz you feel like you are just friends and the lack of sex prevents you from really connecting with her on a physical or emotional level and the rejection hurts you and depresses you. Tell her you need a real gf and ur sick of feeling like her gay best friend.

Stop feeling bad about this. You are miserable and she is selfish and she also needs a major reality check so be the one to give it to her and then get on with your life without her. Take whatever time you need to heal and get over her and then go find yourself a real gf-one who actuslly likes sex and all the things you can do together.

Stop being co-dependent. Your "relationship" with her is unhealthy and destructive and its crushing your self esteem. Put yourself first for a change and dump her

[KeyKandiss13]

Lol rotf lls and ur still with her!

[Cerby]

Stop being co-dependent. Your "relationship" with her is unhealthy and destructive and its crushing your self esteem. Put yourself first for a change and dump her

I don't think this is a co-dependency case, I think you've seen the term on this forum a few times and just assume that it can be used for any bad relationship. No, this is a case of him not getting what he wants, but trying to find an impossible solution instead of trying to find greener pastures. OP just needs to walk away from this, it has gone on for too long.

[ashley89]

sounds like a very boring relationship to me. you're 22, in a committed relationship and having no sex? wtf

[michelle23]

Cerby ur right i didnt realky understand the term co-dependent until i looked it up yesterday. I thought it meant when two people have issues and are dependent on each other bcoz of those issues but when i looked it up i realised it means one person puts way more into the relationship then the other and stays in the hope that it will get better but realistically it wont get better so i think the OP is co-dependent in this case

[dem862]

Why do you think she doesn't want to have sex with you?

[Wakeup]

I don't think this is a co-dependency case, I think you've seen the term on this forum a few times and just assume that it can be used for any bad relationship. No, this is a case of him not getting what he wants, but trying to find an impossible solution instead of trying to find greener pastures. OP just needs to walk away from this, it has gone on for too long.

Codependency isn't the term for "every bad relationship" There are certain symptoms that apply to people who are codependent and addicted to the situation they find themselves in. Op, in his other thread, has admitted that after reading about CD that it applies to him. If his personality wasn't so codependent, then he would certainly have left at least two years ago knowing that he's not getting his needs met. It's his own issues that keep him there. This hasn't anything to do with her. (although she has obvious sexual issues that need to be addressed and fixed but, which won't ever get done as long as he stays and enables her to be sexless and orgasmically selfish.).

[Rowen]

I just don;t get it. We have zero intimacy, but then she talks about it like she wants it, but its just empty words.

Maybe she's only with you to ward off loneliness?

I'd dump her. It's not worth all the worry and concern, honestly. You'll find someone who gives you the intimacy that she is neglecting to give you right now. And don't tolerate anyone who is a selfish partner- that goes for both in and out of the bed.