Jealous of Bike Trips and Male Friend

[mrpixelator]

I've been dating the same person since last July. At first, she seemed unsure of our status and I left that part alone, knowing that sometimes people aren't ready for full commitment or 'labels' such as boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. She said she just 'wanted her dance card filled' meaning activities and fun stuff.

We've had a decent sex life, I suppose. I'm 40 and overweight and am not 20 or thinner as I used to be and could go for long periods. I feel maybe she's a little disappointed in that avenue, although we have experimented with various ideas to keep up both happy in bed. For a while, she felt my lack of 'apparent excitement' in bed was because I didn't find her attractive. But I do, and I think I (and we) have improved in this regard. In fact, last week she whispered 'I love you' for the first time while we were out at a friend's party.

Anyway, we do stuff together but it's never felt (or should I say she has never seemed) very warm or super affectionate. She has her moments, but mostly I feel like I'm chasing after her attention. She has a few female friends and goes out for drinks and concerts and we often hit local trivia night at pubs and so forth, so the social life is there for her.

Well, a couple of months ago, she started talking about going on bike rides with a coworker (male). I know him somewhat from trivia nights, but I don't really know what his motives might be. He does seem a little bit awkward when I'm around, but it could just be how he is.

Anyway, she started going on trips with this guy on the back of his sportsbike, up into local wine country and hitting wineries, bars, so forth. I got a bit jealous at the idea of my girlfriend (supposedly) on the back of this guy's bike. It's an intimate activity and there's a bit of 'something' implied there, even if it's not overt or manifesting itself in actual sex or romantic activity, at least I think so.

Well, I told her about how I felt and she got very defensive, upset, saying she just' wanted to have fun in her life' and 'be spontaneous', as though that was a very limited window of opportunity for her and I was getting in the way of that. She was adamant that they're just friends, that there's no romantic connection or anything going on. I felt like a jerk and backed off, yet still felt uncomfortable about the notion. I asked if she could just maybe not go EVERY weekend or every other weekend... Maybe not as far as she had been (all day trips spanning over a hundred miles, easily).

This weekend, she not only went on a really long trip with him but hit bars, wineries, went to the town she and I went to on Valentine's Day and then went all the way back (1.5 hours) to the city for dinner at a fairly touristy, somewhat pricey restaurant. I was hurt and upset. The phone chat we had resulted in the same tearful, defensive and angry reaction from her. She insists nothing is happening and that while she can understand why I might feel strange about them spending so much time together (they get lunch and dinner during and after work, too, plus trivia nights)... But that I was 'not justified' because 'nothing is happening'.

At this point, I don't think I can continue the relationship if she continues to see this guy in the same way she has been. I don't mind an occasional bike ride DAY trip, but these big 10am-9pm excursions with drinks and dinner (they went to a movie once, as well) and all kinds of sightseeing and other activities is too much for me. It drives me up the wall, especially since she and I don't usually do stuff that's as exciting or 'romantic' together, usually just dinner and sometimes a drink or movie. This last time, they went into the city for dinner in a car after parking the bike, but she didn't ask me... Yet she usually gets invited to my outings with other friends and she usually wants to come along. She said 'he has a two seater' and 'I wasn't sure you could afford it' in response to that.

I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad, but I feel I've been incredibly patient and understanding over this... Or have I? Is it OK for a 34 year old woman who has a boyfriend to hop on her coworker's motorcycle and go on 12-hour day trips capped with dinner, drinks, movies? This isn't some BFF type guy, she has one of those back where she moved from a couple of years ago and I'd be more understanding of that (and their interaction 'feels' like BFF to me). But this relationship doesn't seem like that and she has told me she's dated guys from work, before (recently). In fact, one of her exes hooked up with one of HIS coworkers, too, and left her - then came back to her and left again. I think she's been treated abominably by the guys she's dated, honestly.

What should I do? I feel so badly about the whole thing and I wonder if I haven't behaved in abominable fashion. She says her friend says I have no business telling her where she can go or what she can or can't do. I tried not to do that very thing, but I guess in a way I am saying she can't spend so much time with him... Argh - I even feel foolish and ridiculous posting this to some forum on the internet!.....Conflicted and confused!

[Gigabitch]

Awww, she's upset because you find her new boyfriend objectionable? Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say boyfriend? I meant guy that dates her right in front of you.

No, it is not okay. Getting on the back of a guy's bike is fraught with ritual meaning, and for once, I'm not being sarcastic. Unless he's giving her a lift because her car broke down, she has no business on the back of his bike. Even if he were a total homo, it would still be a little threatening.

Break up with her. If she's this desperate to have "fun", I don't think she sounds like someone you can trust at all, and in this day and age, it's too dangerous to sleep with people you can't trust.

[Spring Haze]

If there was nothing going on, chances are she wouldn't react like a defensive crybaby. Stand your ground, and ideally, break up with her.

[carl1222]

Wait a second ... nowhere in your post did you mention that you and she are in a committed relationship! Is she really your girlfriend or just someone you have dated for the past 8 months? Have you and she promised to be exclusive??

Carl.

[mrpixelator]

Wait a second ... nowhere in your post did you mention that you and she are in a committed relationship! Is she really your girlfriend or just someone you have dated for the past 8 months? Have you and she promised to be exclusive??

Carl.

Sorry to be vague - Yes, we consider(ed) ourselves in a monogamous, committed relationship. At this point, she has said she loves me and considers me her boyfriend.

[carl1222]

It's not what she is doing or the mode of transportation that makes what she is doing so obviously wrong, it's the frequency. She's actively dating another guy right in front of your face and you are letting her.

She (and her friend) must be insane if they believe that constrantly going out with one person of the opposite sex is in any way appropriate in a "monogamous, committed relationship" just because her clothes stay on (maybe).

She is her own person, so it would be wrong and controlling for you to tell her what she can or cannot do. But you have every right to decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship. So you are doing it backwards ... you are saying to her "I want you stop dating this guy" but doing nothing, when you should be saying "I can't be in a relationship with you if you continue to date this guy" and backing it up with action.

Carl.

[mrpixelator]

Thanks Carl, I think you (and the previous posters) are right.

There's the bone that's been sticking in my craw and bugging me... If not sticking somewhere else I don't even want to know about.

[LoveHurts09]

he's single, even if she's not interested, he is.
there's no way she would accept this behaviour from you is there?

seems like a very cheap way to have a relationship (get some1 else to do the romance)... but ofc it's not a relationship, simply put; u want different things even if she really isnt interested in this guy.

[wuts rele hood]

did you try hitting her?

[CocoChanel]

Are you serious? Can't be.

[Gigabitch]

did you try hitting her?

Do you want me to hit YOU?

[boobaa]

...

She is right. She wants to have fun in her life, fun which you can't provide! She doesn't respect you enough. So she looks up another man.

Do something nasty to her for such behaviour, she should have at least decently dumped you, not act secret and use you. Have no respect!

[kodos]

This is a very unusual situation. I hate to tell you this man but your girlfriend has absolutely no respect for you. She is openly dating another guy right in front of you and doesn't have the decency to just say so and break up with you.

You say these are all day trips on the weekend? You have already expressed your displeasure with this and she is still doing it?! Even though it obviously hurts you?! I am sorry to say this but you have to ask yourself this question: Why is it she wants to spend at least one day of the weekend away from you and not with you? When someone is your boyfriend or girlfriend they cherish the weekend because that is when they get to spend time together. Something is wrong with this picture.

I would break up with her out of sheer anger. Maybe you have no right to tell her what to do but she is doing it with the knowledge that it is putting the relationship in jeopardy!!! I am not sure what her issues are but get out of that relationship right away. She's got some problems.