Minds playing with me from something that's 4 years old..

[IamTHATguy]

So a very long story short...

4 years ago, i meet a girl, love her to bits, was in my teens back then and very naive in dealing with relationships. However, me and this girl used to hang out, go for cinema, go for meals, etc. Eventually we dated, it never worked the dating, we never had sex, hardly even kissed, things were awkward, but the whole time, she was texting this other guy, and getting pretty close. At the time i had no idea, and she started to ignore me more, delay plans more etc, but like i said, was naive and paid no attention, just loved her. Which stupidly left me alone, hurt etc.

She started dating this guy, i did my best to move on, and few months after i found a new girl, was with her for under 2 years and had a great relationship, never any trust issues, no arguements, was having sex and everything was great.

So this first girl, (who i always had something for all along) gets dumped by the guy she was with, 3 months on, the girl im with no longer wants a relationship with me, and once again, more heartbreak for me.

1 year on, i start talking to, and seeing the original girl again.
I've now been in a relationship with her for 4 months, but i've suddenly just really started to think deeply about 4 years ago, and how she betrayed, lied and made such an idiot out of me and all the hurt i had.

It feels like in the whole long run, i'm with her, i'm second best, she doesn't treat me like second best, even sometimes randomly mentions when i'd be wanting kids and marriage, and says she'd always want her life to get more serious with me, our relationship so far has been good but im feeling a little off with it last couple of days, i love her, and nothing i feel will stop me loving her.
But i can't stop thinking about it when i sleep, wake up, eat, and last couple of days, one minute i send her a nice text, and the next minute i think back to 4 years and pick up alot of hate for her!

How can i forgive? do i need to address this with her? i feel i need it in the open but dont want any confrontation or arguement about it really. I hate sounding jealous, and i'm quite the opposite of a controlling guy.

EDIT: sometimes she mentions her EX, wouldn't say talks about him, but just throws him in conversation sometimes, and i have no interest whatsoever in any part of any story/history she wants to mention him in. With dutch courage i've even asked her if she has anything for him still, she called me silly and said course not it's me she loves, and that shes shocked i'd even think that, but..

[zertaag]

You cannot control how you feel. Your body is telling you that you obviously cannot forgive her. If you have suddenly just began thinking about the 4 year old events and they are giving you trouble I think that is your own subconscious way of telling yourself that she is not right for you. You pick up a lot of hate for her? That is not a good sign.

If you absolutely MUST address this (and I suggest giving yourself some more time to maybe see if these feelings pass) then do it as gently as possible. Be nice about it, and don't bring it up in a serious matter like "We need to talk later", else she will get defensive. Like I said, give yourself some time and realize that these things happened 4 whole years ago!

All in all, I think you deserve someone who has not done bad things to you. If you feel second best then you probably are.

[pisces25]

Well I am a big believer in getting things off my chest and talking about things otherwise like a monster it will grow. Prior to doing so though I would examine WHY I am feeling these things. Is it because she rejected me at first and now I am feeling like she has just come to me because there is no-one else? Am I scared of being rejected again? Does she act different from 4 years ago? Don't forget 4 years is a long time ago. If she isn't what she was then or what you expected she'd be as a girlfriend you may feel resentment over that. You both may have changed a lot in that time.

In any case I would speak about it. She may be able to offer reassurance to how you are feeling. Open and honest communication is vital to a relationship, no matter what the issue is.

[IamTHATguy]

I try to tell myself that she's hurt me in the past, and that i deserve better, but then, do i? Can you be a cheat (which is what i guess she did) and change 4 years on?
I've always believed in the expression, once a cheat, always a cheat.

I've loved her for 4 years now, deep down. I'd personally feel letting her go cause of something that she did a long time ago isn't justified by ending what we have.
And to the above reply, when i think about it hard enough, i do start feel as if im second best, cause, she could of had me all them years ago, but she wanted someone else, got dumped, and is now with me, so why shouldn't i feel second best really. But then i tell myself im over thinking it and that she loves me as much as she tellls me she does.

[angelsnairwaves]

it sounds completely understandable why you'd be feeling that way. you need reassurance from her that she wont betray you again. sounds like it would be worth bringing it up to her. but don't do it when you are feeling angry and hateful. also, give her some slack. you were both teenagers at the time, right? hopefully she is more mature now and wouldn't hurt you or anyone like that again. tell her that if she does it again, you will be done for good so that she knows the consequences and where you stand. but at the end of the day it sounds like this is an issue you alone are going to have to work through. you will have to actively forgive her and put faith and trust in her. you can't half ass it or it will affect the relationship. take it day by day. sounds like she bruised your ego. work on your confidence and self esteem. sounds like you resent her. you cant love and resent someone and expect the relationship to be healthy. every time you feel resentment, remind yourself that she is with YOU, that she loves YOU, that she wants a FUTURE with you. you can only move forward when you CHOOSE to let go of the past. don't dwell!

[IamTHATguy]

The main thing is how she just forgot about me back then and went off with someone else, she clearly saw him as the better person and chose him over me, and to me she's the best girl i've ever met, but i can't be that to her, can i ? she says she's always had a little thing for me and got jealous when i was with my ex-girlfriend, but why would she not choose me in the first place. Just playing on my mind so much right now.

[pisces25]

Maybe she realised after dating losers the right guy was in front of her the whole time? Maybe she regrets what she did back then? You are only feeling what is happening in your mind and on your side of things. Maybe she didn't think you were in a relationship back then, you said things seemed awkward. It could be a plethora of reasons. If it is bothering you that much talk to her. No accusing or blaming her, just about how you are feeling so you can get it off your chest.

[IamTHATguy]

I just keep picturing situations back then, when she was betraying me.

But yeah, general jist here is that i obviously need to talk to her about it, right now it's affecting the way i feel about our relationship, but deep down, i know what i want. But the past makes it so much more difficult. Wish i had never met her 4years back and further down the line.

[IamTHATguy]

Bringing it up hasn't gone so well.

She said she can't believe im saying this now after 4 months, and it's a big deal, and is now giving the silent treatment?