How to make the first move - as a girl

[elisemies]

So, this is a very open-ended question.

I've been wondering about this for a while.

As a single gal in NYC I see my fair share of cute guys around (on the subway, at bars, at the gym, on walks etc) and I always wonder if there's any way to signal interest without a.) looking like a complete psycho b.) looking very needy/aggressive

I'm not the boldest of people and ideally would love to live in a world where I don't need to make first moves but hey - I figure I could at leas try.

I'd rather not have to go right up to someone and say hi, but if that's what it takes...


What have been your past experiences?
Girls, any good ideas? Guys, what has worked on you?

For instance, I saw this guy at the gym that I think is absolutely gorgeous, but I can't muster to courage to go right up to him and start a conversation... am I hopeless?



I would consider myself a rather attractive, intelligent woman... yet when it comes to these kind of things I'm a chicken haha.

Any feedback welcome

[CantMoveOn]

Try smiling directly at them, making direct eye contact and also try positioning your self alongside them, either watching for transit, in line, or seated at a coffee shop and you just make conversation on what you see, like a book they are reading, cologne they are wearing, phone they have, music they might be listening too or so isn't odd because it is right there in front of you to be discussing. If are polite, smiling friendly and kind about it no one should think weird you are addressing them, unless married and don't want the attention. If you like them, they are single and they seem to give a vibe of interest why not ask for their phone number or business card, in a big city like NY lots have business cards.

[TheEvilJester]

Hmm... Well, you could always tell them about your collection of furniture you've made from the bones and skin of your victims. Or ask them if they have accurate dental records kept up to date in case they need to be identified by their teeth.

...I always wonder if there's any way to signal interest without a.) looking like a complete psycho

...Oh....crap. Okay, maybe don't do those things then. LOL!

Guys, what has worked on you?

That one, I can't answer. Women don't tend to hit on monsters. I've never in my life had a woman try to show interest in me first. I mean, at least not as far as I am aware.

Anyway... all kidding aside....

I actually think CantMoveOn has pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'd echo a lot of what she said. All of that seems like great, yet subtle ways of indicating interest. Of trying to get a sense of whether or not the guy may be interested as well.

When it comes right down to it, I think the answer to your question of how to make the first move really just boils down to one simple catch phrase... Just do it. Take advice from Nike. It really doesn't matter how you do it (within reason, of course, as my intentionally ridiculous examples illustrate). All that matters is that you do it. If the guy would have potentially been interested in you anyway, then it won't really matter much how you approach it.

That said, I do suggest having at least SOME idea of how to get the ball rolling in your head. Don't over-plan, of course. If you do that you'll either psych yourself out of doing it completely, or you'll be relying too much on this imaginary plan of yours to be able to go with the flow if things don't go how you imagined in your head. Well, or over-planning could even make you unintentionally sound insincere as if you are reading from a script.

At the same time, though, don't under-plan. At least I know for a fact that wouldn't work for me. If I didn't have SOME idea of how to break the ice to talk to a woman I might like, it would basically go like this:

Me: Uhhh... hi.

Her: Hi!

Me: Ummmm...okay bye. (Leaves, not knowing what else to say).

So, I think it helps to have SOME idea of how you want to get the ball rolling. (Again, suggestions that CantMoveOn offered are good, like a book they may be reading, a popular TV show you like that they may as well, sports if you happen to watch, etc.) From there, just go with the flow.

Believe me, I know that is so much easier said than done, but it only gets easier the more you practice. Good luck to you! You can do it!

[elisemies]

Hi CantMoveOn and EvilJester,

thank you for your answers.

I guess that underneath it all I was hoping there was some kind of magical way of doing this without having to do anything at all haha. It is quite terrifying!

Would you say that if a guy doesn't make a first move he's generally not interested?

I also wouldn't really want to make a move on someone that is in a relationship, but indeed if they're not wearing a ring nor actually bringing their partner along there is no way of knowing... so once again it boils down to trying .

Ugh, putting myself out there is terrifying.

If I end up making a complete fool out of myself at the gym I will hold you personally responsible <3

[smackie09]

MOST Guys need a signal before they make any kind of approach.....that's why they will glance at you....Smile warmly and say hi....that's all you need. That is their open door to approach you if they are interested.

[TheEvilJester]

I guess that underneath it all I was hoping there was some kind of magical way of doing this without having to do anything at all haha. It is quite terrifying!

I think it is for everybody. I think we can all understand that. The only way you'll get to find it less terrifying (a little less, anyway) is with practice. You can do it. I believe in you.

Would you say that if a guy doesn't make a first move he's generally not interested?

Absolutely not. A million times no. I mean, just right off the bat it could just simply mean the thought hadn't necessarily occurred to him to make a move for any number of reasons. Even guys who DO make a habit of talking to/asking out women all the time aren't necessarily doing it LITERALLY all the time, so you never know. Maybe Random Guy #27 COULD be interested if you try.

...BUT... as a life-long and ridiculously shy guy, I can tell you that some guys could even have a crush on you and yet still be too uncertain/shy/uncertain of themselves to make any move at all. I've gotten better at that....sadly a little too late for it to matter, but I did it. LOL! But, I can tell you from my own experience that just because a guy doesn't make the first move it does NOT automatically indicate that it is because he is not interested.

I also wouldn't really want to make a move on someone that is in a relationship, but indeed if they're not wearing a ring nor actually bringing their partner along there is no way of knowing... so once again it boils down to trying .

Funny. That was always a major one for me too. Especially because of how ridiculous it seems from my own personal experience. I swear it seems like everybody in the world who isn't me just comes pre-packaged with a boyfriend/girlfriend as part of their action figure accessories. LOL! So, I always worried way too much about looking like a creep if I wound up asking out a gal who already had a current relationship.

The truth is, though... you have no way to know, so there isn't NOTHING wrong with asking. In my personal opinion at least, it WOULD be wrong if you knew a guy had a current girlfriend and asked anyway. (Some people may disagree with me there, but I personally think that is wrong.) But if you don't know then there is no harm in talking to the guy, flirting with him, asking him out, etc. If he has somebody, all he has to do is say so and then no harm no foul. You just say "Oh, okay. Sorry about that, I wasn't aware. Good luck to you!" Believe me, I understand how you feel. That would feel embarrassing and awkward. But the truth is, you aren't psychic (at least as far as I know). So, unless it is somehow made obvious, how are any of us to know whether or not a potential love interest already has somebody?

Ugh, putting myself out there is terrifying.

If I end up making a complete fool out of myself at the gym I will hold you personally responsible <3

I'm not sure if the gym is the best place for that. People are all sweaty and smelly. LOL! Then again, who am I to comment? I wouldn't know if normal people maybe do use the gym for that purpose sometimes. Maybe it is just me, but that's not necessarily a place I would want to ask women out. Of course, I've never really been interested in chit chatting with ANYBODY at the gym. I'm there to get my workout done and go the heck home. Now that I think about it, it does seem like other peeps at the gym are a little more social in it than myself. So, maybe that is just me.

Anyway, again, believe me I 1,000,000 times over understand how you feel. It IS very nerve-wracking making the first move. And, I absolutely agree that in an ideal world you wouldn't HAVE TO anyway. In an ideal world, Mr. Right would find you, and he'd come right up to you and ask you out. But, we don't live in an ideal world. Sometimes, guys may make the first move, but they don't always. No harm in you trying to get the ball rolling instead.

Sure, sometimes it may not work out for you. It will initially be embarrassing, it may hurt at first... but you'll get past it. The more you do it, the easier it gets and the easier it becomes to bounce back from any rejection you may face. But, sometimes you can't find the right person without going through a few of the wrong ones first.

You rock! You can do it! You may be having a little trouble believing in yourself right now, but you CAN do it. For the time being, I'll help in whatever small way I can by being your cheerleader. ...Just don't picture that. That is NOT a pretty sight. LOL!