Very unhappy

[Stuart2]

Well, here goes, I am a 39 married man. We have been married for 13 years and been together for 15 years. We have three young children, 6, 3, and 2.

I very much love my wife, with all my heart. But, we are having serious problems.

Having three young children is a joy but a drain on us both. I have worked hard over the years, and managed to pay our mortgage off early which allows me to work part time to help out more at home and with the children.

This all sounds good... except for sex. Our sex life is all but dead, since the birth of our third child two years ago. In that time I can count the amount of times we have made love on one hand. My wife says she has no desire for it anymore (she is just turned 40) and I should accept that.

The point is, I suppressed my own wishes and desires for the last few years while our children have been very young. But now I feel our sex life should be more back on an even tilt. She gets so annoyed when I ask, and when we do I feel unfullfilled as she makes it clear she is doing it just to shut me up and not through any real desire for me.

I work hard, help out in everything and always try my hardest. I never pester her but I have to initiate sex every so often as I want it so much. My desires and drive is rapidly increasing to the extent that I want it three or four times a day. I physically and mentally yearn for sexual excitement, which I want with my wife. But if things don't get better I dread to think what will happen. Recenltly I started a new part time job and on my way home I wondered into Kings Cross lost, and was approached by a prostitute. I firmly refused, but to my shame, just for a moment, I was tempted.

I want sex so much, and I want it with my wife, But she makes it plain to me I should learn to live without it. She says she loves me, but no longer really that way.

I can't go on like this...... I am so unhappy from the moment I wake to the point I go to sleep. What can I do?

[misombra]

does she give you any other reasons why besides she just doesn't feel like it?

sounds like you two need professional help.

[Stuart2]

Just that with three children and with us both at around the age of 40 it shouldn't form a central part of our marriage anymore, which I cannot understand or accept to be honest.

[misombra]

have you had any alone time since you've had kids?

[Harte]

Hey Stuart, sorry about your situation. Your story is very similar to mine. 3 kids in relationship for 14 years. Wow thats a big gap to reconcile she doesn't want it at all and you want it 3 times a day.

I really don't have any solutions for you, my advice is to continue loving the kids.

I could carry on about your situation and offer a lot of outside the box ideas. Could spew some of my prejudices about women and their responsibilities within the marriage role. but I doubt those ideas/comments would go very far in edifying your union.

Perhaps getting her blessing in seeking comfort elsewhere since she no longer is willing to take care of your sexual needs.

[Stuart2]

We've not really had any quality time alone since we've had three kids, but that is partly because when I have booked a night away a few months ago she changed her mind at the last minute and wouldn't leave the children.

Don't get me wrong, I am not slagging her off or anything. She makes it plain she still loves me and we have a caring relationship except for this.

We are still relatively young, and while I wouldn't expect us to be going at it 'hammer and tongs' the occasional romp where we both the desire for it is all that I am asking.

We talked/argued about it until the early hours this morning.... and achieved nothing. I try and find out underlying reasons but can't. I have had to make it plain that I can't go on like this... and she thinks because I want sex which is against her wishes I don't love her anymore.

Believe me, I cannot find the words here to explain how unhappy I am. I wish my sex drive would go away and we could all live happily ever after, but it won't and I can't suppress my needs any longer.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think she's holding up her end of the deal. Marriage is not just about raising kids and paying the mortgage, it's about being there for each other. I think your wife is abandoning you in a very important way. If your marriage is a house, the foundation is crumbling.

While you're better off than Harte (he's married to the devil- check out some of his threads), you still have a similar situation. Your wife isn't participating. This is as much a big deal as it would be if she suddenly stopped getting out of bed in the morning or didn't come home at night. Sex in marriage should be a given.

I think she needs to hear the Come to Jesus talk about sex. Don't just sit there with your blue balls and think, "Oh, I don't want to be an insensitive pig- I can't insist." You CAN insist. You can tell her that you'll be looking for a relationship counselor who specializes in sexual dysfunction if she doesn't start putting out. Make her go get a checkup with a doctor, too. Maybe she just needs better nutrition.

I'm 41 and really, really busy. I work full-time, I'm taking four classes and I have a kid who has lots of activities and piles of homework she needs help with every night. I'm bone-tired a lot of the time, but I'm not tired of the bone. I have a healthy sex drive, believe me. There is no ****ing way she's worn out by 40, even with three kids.

[misombra]

she thinks that because you want to have sex with her that you don't love her?

is she religious or something?

you are well on your way to an affair. does she know this? she probably will not realize this until it happens.

you guys need professional help. does she have friends?

[Stuart2]

I have tried the idea of counselling before but will have to raise it again I think. The problem is the more I ask the more angry she gets, and she laid down some very firm ground rules last night that I should expect little or no activity in the future. I have been honest and told her how unhappy I am, almost in tears.

Apart from the sexual frustration (obviously!) I feel rejected and unattractive. I have tried to get her to talk to her best friend who is the same age and is very open, but she flatly refuses to, but although her husband and I who are friends don't talk about sex at length, it's clear from him they enjoy a very active and varied sex life even though they have two young children and both work full time. And it makes me so JEALOUS! And that makes me feel pathetic in turn...... I don't know.
I do not exagerate when I say I feel I am coming to the point of having to choose... her or sex. If it came to the choice despite my adoring love for her I could not live a life of celibacy. I am sorry to go on so much about this.....

[Stuart2]

Yes misombra, she is VERY religious

[Gigabitch]

God gave her a clitoris, not just a uterus. Her pink parts aren't meant to just produce children and be retired.

[Stuart2]

I've tried to tell her that she should feel secure that I am seeking sex with her and not outside the marriage, which just made things 100 times worse.

I recently went two whole months without even mentioning sex, let alone attempting to instigate anything. In that time she did not instigate anything at all, which leads me to think even when I do back off it is pointless.

It's actually got to the stage now where I feel physically sick with the yearning for sex and excitement and love, but I know that if I did stray that would be it between us.

[Gigabitch]

No, cheating isn't the answer unless she agrees that you can "subcontract". Otherwise, it will destroy your family and you don't want that.

[Stuart2]

Shed never agree to that... unfortunately. I will just have to keep trying. I can't shake off the feeling there is something in her religious beliefs that sex is only for the procreation of children.

It seems too much of a coincidence now she has the children she wanted that she no longer wants the sex that goes with it.

[Kat14]

What is her religion?