Complicated soon-to-be LDR. I am her father's "enemy".

[SurgeonShen]

I've been going crazy over the past couple weeks thinking about the future of my relationship with my girlfriend of two years (We'll call her T). The reason is because we are both in the same college (she is one year behind me) and we are both attempting to get into medical school. It would be amazing if we could get into the same school, but I need to be realistic.

She is an amazing girl and we have fantastic communication. We trust each other and have a lot in common. Our sex life has been good for the most part (more on that in a minute) and she's an incredibly sweet, understanding, compassionate person. Needless to say, I love her and would be inclined to stick out the 4 years or more to marry her.

But, here's the kicker. Her father hates me. Her parents are first generation immigrants from the Dominican Republic and have a very strict set of values. A couple of months ago, T's sister L thought that she had gotten pregnant from her boyfriend. She told the parents and they freaked. T couldn't stand to see L getting torn apart, so being the ever-noble girl that she is, she told her parents that she and I had had sex as well. Her father lost it and said that I am "his enemy" and that he never wants to see me again. The mom agreed but has relented since. The dad still has no inclination to talk about the issue and has more-or-less disowned T (refusing to make eye contact or talk to her unless it's something important). I asked T to tell him that I wanted to speak with him and he refused to even meet with me. I had even bought us a couple $150 concert tickets before this happened and he refuses to let her go, so I'll probably have to sell them. It's only been two months, but he continues to state that he will never compromise with me and I'm worried that he won't change his mind.

In other words, once we're no longer going to the same campus, it's going to be very difficult to see her (I'll probably only be able to visit on the weekends and no doubt her parents will want her home on the weekends if she's going to school nearby). Looking further forwards, even if we survive the LDR of medical school, family is very important to her. Since the incident with her family, she's felt very guilty about even seeing me on campus (which she is not supposed to be doing, at least on her father's terms). We've fooled around, but no sex. There have been times when she's had an anxiety attack in my room in the middle of the night and needed to return to her room, for fear that her parents might show up to find out what she's doing. In other words, she's not prepared to risk her relationship with her family for me. Marriage with her might cause her family to cut off contact, and I don't believe she's going to go along with that (nor do I want to bring that upon her.)

Call it being young and foolish, but I honestly don't believe my chances are good of ever finding anyone else like her. I want to commit, but I fear wasting 4 or more years of the prime of my life. I trust her and know her very well and I think she'd be willing and able to stick it out if it weren't for the family issue complicating everything. I've considered an open relationship until we get out, but I don't know if she would be able to deal with the idea of me being with anyone else, even casually.

Anyway, sorry for making such a long post. I'm interested to hear if anyone's got a different perspective on this, or if anyone's been in a similar situation. Advice is much appreciated.

[Agnus]

I honestly don't believe my chances are good of ever finding anyone else like her

You exaggerate. I used to be a Karen Carpenter's great fan. Her haunted voice enchanted me to such an extent that I listened to it for hours day after day, year after year. I wanted her to be with me because I was in love. But she had been dead for a long time and it seemed that nothing could help me until Hayley Westenra appeared. I fell in love immediately with the soprano and was thinking day and night how to get her until after a while she was completely eclipsed by Jackie Evancho's incredibly rich voice. But this one is such a little girl that I can't even think of her being mine although I believe she's the greatest singer ever. Now I want my girlfriend to be the Grand Duchess Maria Romanova, a daughter of Nicholas II the Emperor of Russia. But she died 100 years ago. And know what? I am not so sure that that will never happen.

Just follow your dream and as John Thatcher from A Knight's Tale (2001) said: "Change your stars and live a better life".

[VincenzoG91]

If her father has basically disowned T, then she should feel free to disregard his neanderthal opinions about her life. Except that maybe she is getting financial support from her family while in school. Anyway, if her father won't budge and she can't figure out any way to compromise with you, then it's better to back off and get on with your life. An LDR plus med school for both of you would be challenge enough, but throwing in this Shakespearean drama makes it unlikely that there will be a happy ending. She won't go against the wishes of her parents, so you won't be able to marry her. Coming from such a conservative background, it's a safe bet that marriage is a big deal to her, and an open relationship is going to be completely unacceptable. Face it, you two have incompatible values. I know that it's easy to obsess over something that is forbidden, but you're just going to need to move on. Focus on school for now.