Cant forgive myself

[lisa88r]

I met my current boyfriend 3 years ago, i fell for him very quickly but we were only dating as he never wanted a serious relationship, he wanted to have fun with him friends and still have me waiting for him it seemed (as i always did) Soon it was clear i'd fallen in love with him, he told me he loved me too but still didnt want a relationship, i was so confused. he went with other girls and i felt i couldnt be angry as we werent a couple, it broke my heart but the fact he still wanted to see me i always gave in. This process went on for almost 2 years, when eventually last July he decided he wanted a relationship, but he was set to go to afghanistan the following month, meaning i wouldnt see him for 7 months. during this time we argued alot and he said very hurtful things, as did i. i then realised he'd ignored me for a whole month while exchanging emails to another girl claiming i was 'needy' and 'clingy' this broke my heart, and stupidly i acted on it and cheated on him during that month with 2 different men. i quickly broke it off as i realised i didnt want to be that sort of person, but the damage was now done in my mind. He has since returned (this happened 8 months) he is now living in germany and says long distance will work. Since the whole affair ended i havent been able to forgive myself, i cant get out of bed, i cry every day he isn't around, im driving my family crazy as they think im depressed. i feel like theres no way out of this as i am going to lose him and i cant bear it. i've contemplated being honest and telling him but he is not a forgiving person regardless of his feelings, he will never speak to me again. I've told my mum everything and she tries her best to help. since i know i cant tell him (i know im a coward) i've been terrified for 8 months of him finding out. im in complete turmoil, my mum says its very unlikely as news travels fast and if he were to find out it would have happened a long time ago, and that these boys are just as guilty as they knew i had a boyfriend. im so ashamed and i dont know what to do. im so scared of losing him, i love him more than anything. please help

[D e L]

You need to honestly stop and ask yourself a few hard questions before we can proceed. Do you really love him more than anything, or is your rekindled love a reflection of your overriding guilt and that you dont see yourself as a cheater and want to make amend to yourself? Thats a hard question to really ask yourself, and most likely its both. But think of this scenario: What if you found out he cheated on you 4 times while you were together. How would you feel then? Would that knowledge subjugate the guilt you now feel, would you still love him more than anything? Would the fact that his number was 4 and yours 2 matter to you?

Answer these questions honestly and we can begin to get somewhere, no matter what your answers are.

[searock]

He says long distance will work because he is free to sleep with as many women as he wants without you ever knowing it, and he'll still have you waiting for him when he comes back. Can't you realize that he's been keeping you as his little pet for all this years? And you feel guilty for cheating on him - of course, cheating is wrong, there is no excuse, but if there's a guy who deserves being cheated on it's him. He's been treating you like sh*t for years (because *you* have allowed him to treat you that way), surely he's cheated on you many times and he's doing it right now. If you can't see these things, then you should get some professional help, I mean it. Find some dignity and break it off with him for good.

[lisa88r]

You need to honestly stop and ask yourself a few hard questions before we can proceed. Do you really love him more than anything, or is your rekindled love a reflection of your overriding guilt and that you dont see yourself as a cheater and want to make amend to yourself? Thats a hard question to really ask yourself, and most likely its both. But think of this scenario: What if you found out he cheated on you 4 times while you were together. How would you feel then? Would that knowledge subjugate the guilt you now feel, would you still love him more than anything? Would the fact that his number was 4 and yours 2 matter to you?

Answer these questions honestly and we can begin to get somewhere, no matter what your answers are.

To tell you the truth i would take him back in a heartbeat, ive loved him for years before any of this happened and i just got to the point where i thought and im probably right that he doesnt love me at all and its all just words. i reacted foolishly and i have ruined things and i know this

[D e L]

To tell you the truth i would take him back in a heartbeat, ive loved him for years before any of this happened and i just got to the point where i thought and im probably right that he doesnt love me at all and its all just words. i reacted foolishly and i have ruined things and i know this

I would not be too hard on yourself... yes, it was wrong to cheat. But you have been through years of him treating you like a doormat, then once he finally DID fall in love with you he had to leave and it became a long distance fight. This drove him to get attention from someone else a trait someone who loves you wouldnt do. All of this built onto why you did what you did. Was it wrong? Yes. Was it human and understandable? Yes.

There are two main topics that you need to address: The relationships future & If the truth should be made know.

I am not going to lie to you Lisa, from the relationship history, it does not sound remotely healthy, especially for you. You will need to sit down and have a serious talk with this guy and YOU WILL NEED TO STICK UP FOR YOURSELF. You need to explain to him the past things that have hurt you and why. You need to set out some serious terms of the kind of relationship you want for yourself. Next he needs to show some serious change, which will be very difficult from Germany. You will need him to explain how and why things would be different now. And he better have some seriously good answers that show some real growth on his part. My advice would be to have that talk with him, but agree to nothing... take time to work on yourselves and analyze the relationships faults. Once he gets back home where you to can sit down and have a real heart to heart then decide how to progress forward.

As for telling him the truth... this is not a simple as it may seem. There are two very good schools of thought that both have logical merit.
1. Tell him, its the truth and he deserves to know if you all re-enter a relationship. Its the moral thing to do... but it could cost you everything, and the expanse of unburdening your guilt.
2. Dont tell him, there is a psychological argument that makes a very good point. When you come clean about infidelity, you accomplish two things, you hurt the person you cheated on and you alleviate your guilt that you have been carrying. Quite simply you hurt him while unburdening yourself. The argument suggests that as your mistake, it is your burden to bare, not his. Its ironic that sometimes truth can shatter trust.

Which one of these line of logic is something no one can tell you. You have to decide for yourself, sorry.

[nocluewhattodo]

dump him he is a player. Is he army? I would be very suspicious about his wearabouts anyway, he may tell you he is in various places but are you 100% sure, yes you feel guilty for cheating on him but you cheated because deep down you know he has played you for 3 years. He gets off on keeping you hanging around. How very convenient he wants a relationship when he is leaving so cant have one, its all mind games. Im sorry to say but I would count your blessings and once you have moved on you will realise just what a player he is. I bet thats not the only girl he was emailling or even seeing. I know this type of man very well, get out while you can x