duped again

[nebulachich]

Sorry this is going to be long.. but it needs the background.

I dated a guy for 9 months. We broke up because I didn't think he really was or wanted to be exclusive especially after I found a racy email he wrote to a female "friend". I contacted him 7 months after the breakup. He told me he had been missing me like crazy. I said "Oh really?" and made a bunch of digs about how that surprised me seeing as he made no effort to contact me and I'd think he'd be out screwing everything in sight now that he's not "bogged down" anymore. He responded I was insulting and obvisouly didn't have much idea who/what he's all about and wanted to know what I really wanted. I called him later that night and eventually asked to see him. He said he was nervous about it. I asked why and he said bcuz he doesn't think it's a good idea we be exclusive again and doesn't want to lead me on and thinks I want more than that. I said it was OK and I just needed to see him maybe even just once more. We start seeing each other more and more frequently til about once a week. One week he cancelled his plans to see me and said he was going away to his hometown. I showed I felt hurt in my voice. He called as soon as he got back and sounded very excited to see me. He asked if I would meet him for dinner. I agreed. During dinner he started to get weird... I can't put my finger on it at the time. He tries to extend the evening a few times after walking me to my car and I don't invite him back to my place (1st time I do that since we've been dating again). After realizing I have no intention of inviting him home he looks really shocked and hurt and drives off. He calls a few days later and asks to see me (unusual more than once in a week). I agree. He comes over and we watch a movie and he shows a lot of affection all night. He asks if he can stay over. I really didn't want him to but said yes bcuz I blew him off last time and he also told me he wanted to go to a store in my area the next day. I am not real affectionate in bed that night partly bcuz I'm exghausted... but in the middle of the night *I* end up "attacking" *him* in my sleep almost.

The next day he tells me he is going camping over the weekend. I ask who with. He says 2 female friends.. and it's a bisexual event. I am devistated. As we are leaving my apartment teh next morning he tries to kiss me and I resist. "What's wrong", he asks. I tell him: "I feel like I'm just.. I don't know. Why don't you ever ask me to go away with you?" (we used to all the time). He says "Well you never ask me either, I don't see what the big deal is. If you want to, just ask me! Also though... I've been feeling a little funny about you lately. The other night at dinner I got weird". "I noticed", I said. He says, "I started feeling sensitive about you and I don't want to. I don't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster again". I tell him I don't have time to talk because I'm late for work. He just says "OK" and doesn't ask if we can talk about it more later or anything.

He goes on the camping trip that weekend and I don't really expect to hear from him ever again. The day he gets back he emails me: "I've got a crazy week coming up but have been thinking about you and wanted to drop in and say hi". I don't respond. He calls me later that night. I don't pick up. He leaves a message just calling to say hi. The next day he includes me on a funny email he sends to others (something he also hasn't done since we are dating again). I don't respond. I am freaked out and still hurt he went to that event. Days go by. Just before the coming weekend he calls me. I don't pick up. He says he's really bummed he didn't get a chance to talk to me all week. Then he says he's going to be away a little over a week in a remote part of Maine, then hes going on a jeeping trip and says he's sure he'll miss me and already has been and if I can call him within an hour to go ahead if I want to otherwise he'll be hard to reach and he'll talk to me soon otherwise.

I don't hear from him for 2 1/2 weeks. I finally decide to call him. He answers and says he is driving around with a "friend" and can't talk and that he'll call me in a day or 2. He calls 2 days later and says "I've got to get something off my chest. I've probably been giving you mixed messages". "Yeah", I say "I was actually really surprised to hear so much from you after we talked. I wasn't sure I was even going to hear from you ever again." He said: "I was feeling emotionally needy that week but when I went to Maine my head started to clear. I told you I have been developing feelings for you and I don't want to". "Why not?", I ask. "Because I don't think you and I are right for a long-term relationship.. so I started thinking maybe we should just be strictly platonic. But that that would be torture for me.. so I think we should take a break for a few months then..." I interrupt him and say: "No. if you don't want to see me anymore just say so.. you don't have to try to let me down easy". "I'm not trying to sugar-coat anything", he says. I tell him I have something I need to get off my chest too: "You could have spared me a lot of pain had you told me you weren't interested in being exclusive when we met..." and eventually ask him if lied about wanting to me. He admits he didn't want to be and says it's just how he's always approached his relatrionships but no it wasn't in his heart and says some stupid thing "It's like my friend Isabel says" (he woman he sent the racy email to) "I'm a serial monogamist." I sy "whatever". He says "I hope our paths cross again in the future". I say "I don't". He says "OK.. goodbye". I just hang up.

I found out about a week later the jeeping trip he went on he took some woman and spent the rest of the week with her. Then I read on a forum he frequents that his friends all think his new lady is great and it's confirmed they are dating. About a week later I emailed him just this: "Can you please let me know if your decision not to see me anymore had more to do with someone else?" He responded: "Hi T. My decision had nothing to do with anyone else except me and you. I'm sorry it has come to this. I wish you the best."

What the hell???????????????? He lied to me again!! I want to email him back "Thanks for lying to me again" or something...

Any suggestions? How do you think this will impact him? I think he really thinks I believe his response. He knows I used to cyber-stalk him and will probably put 2 + 2 together that's how I learned about it.
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[King Zarathu]

first of all.. no wonder nobody else responded. that was REALLY long lol but i read the whole thing.

i really know this doesn't help you with ur feelings at all and it's probably not what you want to hear, but i'm gonna give the the slap of reality:

this guy is a loser and is jerking you around, you should find somebody who is better for you {probably meaning somebody that doesn't lie to you}

personally i don't believe in going out with somebody again after you have broken up.. and....well, it looks to me as if you're setting yourself up for misery.

that's OK--a lot of people set their lives up (subconciously) for misery on purpose because they don't know it but their subconcious enjoys it, which is OK too. very hard psychology concept to explain, i hope you get it

[alwaysbethere]

I had the same problem as you. It took me a long time to realize that the guy is a loser and now I hate him. He said that he doesn't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster but it seems like you are on one too. I know how you feel my advice is just to let him go. He can mess up someone elses life because all it is is playing games.

[nebulachich]

Thanks everyone. I am letting him go.

[blue]

i know that this is a difficult thing for you to do but it would only be much worse the longer you go on like this. best advice i can give ya take time for you dont jump into another relationship and keep busy. take care and you know where we are if you need to talk. take care xoxoxo blue

[King Zarathu]

Time heals all wounds.
~some chick i 4got blue

it's true!