Am I too demanding?

[BusyBee]

Hello guys?

I have a little thing I wanted to discuss with you, I'm just wondering if it's me orif there really is something strange.

Right, same situation as before, I'm 33, he is 44, divorced for 8 years, 3 realtionships since, this is 4th, quite a few "things" running inbetween. (not sure how many, but it turned out some of the so called "acquaintances" were more that that.

I don't get why he wants to hide those things as it was before our time.

My issue here is, we've been together for 1+1/2 year now, and it' working fine on some points (we can talk a lot, we can go for walks, trips and stuff, physically as well, it's great) but then he keeps telling me about his plans for the future, and the highlight is on "his".There's not even the slightest mention of a possible "our". Now i don't want to engage our wholes lifes on a relationship that's only be going that short but still, an "our" is ecxluded, completely.

I mean, if it was just a thing he said, then ok, but he also acts that way. For example, I like working in my garden, I have a big one and it relaxes me. I'm currently trying to make flower patches with mulch and surrounded by stones, so I took a few days off to get on with the work as it's heav stuff, especially the concrete and the stones. Now, I didn't ask him to give me a hand but even if I had, he already told me, I can't give you a hand it's your garden not mine, don't want to get involved.

I'm not strange, am I? He just wants an easy, no strings attached thing, doesn't he?

[mwahahaha]

In 6 years time , he ll be 50 and soiling his own trousers and forgetting where he lives. Play the long game here...

[BusyBee]

That wasn't particularly useful, was it?

[Incognito]

Each of those things that you mentioned by themselves seem pretty small, but all together they could be a red flag.

1. He doesn't want to discuss his past relationships
2. He plans for himself and not for both of you
3. He refuses to help you with things that interest you

1. Many people don't discuss their past relationships out of respect, but in this case you asked. I suspect you asked because he is still in association with some of his "acquaintances". Good move on your part, since there may be something there given his age and number of relationships/flings.

2. Him planning for the future and saying "his" future isn't normally a bad thing since most men feel like they have to shoulder the responsibility of providing. If he is planning for "his" future the most important thing is to make sure that you are a part of that future without any flings on the side. It is troubling that he uses the singular form given point 1 and 3 though.

3. I do think that this is a problem. I could see if he didn't want to take off from work as you did, but to flat out tell you that he won't help you at all because "its your garden, not mine..... I don't want to get involved" shows a lack of interest in you and a lack of caring on his part. Obviously this isn't good in a relationship.

Do you know how/why his other relationships ended? Do you know how long they lasted? Do you know how many "acquaintances" that he had back then are still around?

[devonbrown]

The refusal to help you with things that interest you is definitely a red flag. The other things, he might just be used to thinking along the lines of doing things by himself, especially since he has already been through a marriage and divorce.

There is going to be a point where you are going to have to have a "talk" with him about where things are heading/not-heading if you want it to advance. If you are okay with it being an easy and casual thing, then just roll with it. But don't be a doormat to him.

Good luck.

[BusyBee]

Well, as for his relationships, he was with his wife for 18 years, 5 years +13 years marriage. She asked for divice cos she said she wanted to catch up with life, she felt she'd was married to young, according to him, obviously, I haven't talked to her.
the 3 realtionships he has since lasted 2 and 3 years. As for the flings, I know something about an older woman, one my age with a kid, another one with a girl a bit older than me, but as far as I've understood from his friends and family, there were quite a few more. Which in 8 years is impressive if you bear in mind that he was nearly always in a realtionship.

He said that his past realtionships ended, the one becuase she didn't want to move in with him, the other one because she'd moved in and changed and became less careful about her appearance,the last one ending cos the woman was an artist and kept canceling their dates and stuff. I'm not sure if he is still in contact with any of them, but the artis just leaves down the road from him.

I agree with you that if the things were seperate, I wouldn't worry, but all together.
Plus, I have asked about his past flings and he says to me well I don't know if you're telling me everything either. Isn't that an admission of more?

The main issues started last week with the not helping me. I was in the gardfen, wanted to go in when the back garage door, just brok off and fell wehn I was shutting it. I just got a nasty bruise so that wasn't the issue, but I had the house open, the door was bost. So I decided to phone in on Monday morning and tell work that I was taking the day off cos I had to do something about the door. I told my boyfriend about it and i didn't expect him to take the day off to help but I was hoping that maybe he would come in the evening to help me fit the new door. Nope. so on the Monday, I went to the DIY shop, got brick to build a wall, did that, then went back later to get a safety door to put in (couldn't fit everything into the car( and fitetd that as well. I felt extremly lonely carrying all that stuff and falling over carrying it.

[bulrush]

Sheez. When I'm with a girlfriend, after a month I start fixing her house. I just want to be helpful and spend time with her.

This guy might be having trouble with getting emotionally close to people. It doesn't always mean he doesn't like you or he only wants FWB.

I felt extremly lonely carrying all that stuff and falling over carrying it.

I understand you felt lonely, but isn't it liberating to be able to do stuff for yourself?

[lahnnabell]

Sheez. When I'm with a girlfriend, after a month I start fixing her house. I just want to be helpful and spend time with her.

This guy might be having trouble with getting emotionally close to people. It doesn't always mean he doesn't like you or he only wants FWB.


I understand you felt lonely, but isn't it liberating to be able to do stuff for yourself?

I think she feels rather lonely because she knows that she'd be happier if she had a boyfriend that could even take a tiny interest in her hobbies. You need to listen to your feelings and don't rely on this guy to change. From what it sounds like (the three points Incognito brought up) he wants so strings. Judging from his history of flings too. All of the info you got about his exes were his stories too. I'm sure there are reasons he's not divulging. It's rarely ever one person's fault.

[Incognito]

^^^BINGO! I was thinking the same thing lahnnabell. When I asked "if she knew how his past relationships ended" I didn't mean from him because he can say anything. I should have clarified that.

@ BusyBee: The "stories" about how the other relationships ended sound rather bland and typical.... almost too typical. I won't go as far as saying that they are fabrications, but he says that....

-His first wife left after 18 years because she felt like she was missing out on life? How many women do you know that leave relationships after that long for a weak reason like that?
-He broke up with one because she wouldn't move in with him (this sounds stupid, but if it is true it highlights that he might be controlling/manipulative)
-He broke up with another because she became less careful of her appearance (again this sounds like an attempt to tell a quick story, but if true points to a possible superficial nature)
-He broke up with the last one because she was an artist who broke dates and such? (sorry that sounds like a blatant attempt to use a stereotype to hide why they really broke up)

I also think that even if he has absolutely no interest in gardening he would have helped you with the lifting and carrying >if< he cared. That is what we men do for the people we care about, especially our ladies. No man who truly cares for a woman would miss an opportunity to show her that he cares, especially if he can show off a bit at the same time

[lahnnabell]

-His first wife left after 18 years because she felt like she was missing out on life? How many women do you know that leave relationships after that long for a weak reason like that?

More often than not men seem to leave their women for this reason. Seems like he's enjoyed plenty of freedom since they split.

-He broke up with one because she wouldn't move in with him (this sounds stupid, but if it is true it highlights that he might be controlling/manipulative)

Was thinking that maybe there were legit reasons she didn't want to move in with him. Like, she found out he's not such a great guy after all.

-He broke up with another because she became less careful of her appearance (again this sounds like an attempt to tell a quick story, but if true points to a possible superficial nature)

Sounds pretty shallow. Usually, as we get serious about someone, our attention to details (like how often we shave our legs) fall by the wayside. People, including women, have other priorities than just looking good. We have families to take care of, jobs to do, hobbies to enjoy. The world doesn't stop because some lady forgot to wax her eyebrows.

-He broke up with the last one because she was an artist who broke dates and such? (sorry that sounds like a blatant attempt to use a stereotype to hide why they really broke up)

Artists are flaky people. Perhaps she had other priorities. If she was breaking dates, then it's a pretty legit reason, but all his others sound a bit shady.

[Incognito]

More often than not men seem to leave their women for this reason. Seems like he's enjoyed plenty of freedom since they split.

Correct, but he said that his wife left him. Generally speaking women are less likely to leave after such a long time unless something adverse happens, like cheating or abuse. This guy's whole story stinks.

[bulrush]

Just my 2 cents here based on my experience.

-His first wife left after 18 years because she felt like she was missing out on life? How many women do you know that leave relationships after that long for a weak reason like that?

I see this excuse a lot, coming from mainly women, on multiple relationship forums. I don't know if it's the real reason, but I see this excuse a lot.

-He broke up with one because she wouldn't move in with him (this sounds stupid, but if it is true it highlights that he might be controlling/manipulative)

Yeah, that story sounds fake.

-He broke up with another because she became less careful of her appearance (again this sounds like an attempt to tell a quick story, but if true points to a possible superficial nature)

Again, story sounds fake.

-He broke up with the last one because she was an artist who broke dates and such? (sorry that sounds like a blatant attempt to use a stereotype to hide why they really broke up)

I know artists, and they are generally terrible at being consistent, remembering details like dates, and making good long-term decisions. Nice people, but not so good at planning. Artists tend to be rather flighty, spontaneous people, rarely planning things ahead of time.

[BusyBee]

Thanks!

I'm happy to read that I'm not just being weird. I tried talking to some of my mates about my boyfriend but they kept telling me I was searching for trouble where there is none and that he is a great guy and I should be grateful to have a guy like him that obviously cares for me.

I got to say, I found all of is stories rather dubious as well, especially cos I keep finding things out that go completely against what he said to me.

I tried to confront him only to get told he could doubt me too.

And I do like working in the house on my own. I have bought an old farmhaouse and I'm renovating it completely,just finished the bathroom (piping, tiles, new fittings) completely on my own. It's just sometimes it would be nice to do things with someone rather than on your own.

[HeartIsAching]

In 6 years time , he ll be 50 and soiling his own trousers and forgetting where he lives. Play the long game here...

That might be what happens to YOU at 50. Most people have at least 20 more years after that before that's a problem.