Break-up's during trauma anniversaries. Any insights?

[NMB482]

A brief overview:

I've been dating a girl for 1 1/2 years and everything has gone pretty well. We get along...have lots in common...enjoy each others company and I generally feel compatible and comfortable with this person, which doesn't happen often. I currently exited the most difficult and stressful year of graduate school ever and I admit that I haven't been as good a boyfriend as I usually am the last few months. Being that I haven't had much free time recently and have been a bit preoccupied. She was so patient and understanding with this, but eventually snapped and said she was frustrated with it. She vanished and wouldn't see me, basically out of the blue. This girl has trouble expressing feelings in-person sometimes and has a tendency to run from problems, which she admits. We talked a bit through email for a few weeks and she mentioned the frustration with my lack of time. I told her I understood, but that my schedule was opening wide up after this semester. She then told me she wasn't convinced that would be the case and then nitpicked some other things about me...minor things, really. It felt as if she was grasping for things to critique and exaggerating them. After a month of this we finally met up and she was so cold. She's usually incredibly sweet, but she was like a different person. She was tearful, yet would not talk to me. She basically froze. I expressed how this bothered me and basically left things open with her...to give her some time with hope she'll swing around. I've spoken with her sister and a good friend who tell me that pressuring her will only make things worse, yet they tell me she does care about me and this baffles them too. She never officially broke up with me, though, and only vaguely said she's frustrated and "doesn't know what to think anymore". We last hung out as a couple (together) 5 weeks ago and the last time I sent an email was a week ago to which she hasn't responded, though I didn't pressure her to respond and only said it would mean a lot to me if we got together and talked, but when that happens is up to her. This doesn't feel right. Everything aside from my lack of time was going great. Even with how busy I was, we saw each other fairly regularly. It feels like these were not big issues and there is something else going on.

Here's the bit about trauma:

She opened up to me a few months back about a 4 year relationship that ended at this same time 2 years ago. Her then boyfriend pushed her down the stairs while pregnant and caused a miscarriage. I think he did this in response to her trying to leave, as they lived together at the time. She left and immediately moved and met me 8 months later. This seems very serious to me and eight months is not a lot of time to get over something like that and I wonder if I may have triggered something. It doesn't feel like she pulled away because of me, personally. Even her friends agree that she seems to be running from something. Mind you, the only other person who knows this about her (miscarriage) is her sister. She's told me that she doesn't like Christmas, which makes sense now. When all this started it began with her saying she wasn't getting anyone anything for Christmas, though she would hang with me the night before (she purposely works on Christmas). I then said I understand, but I would still get her something small because I really like Christmas. I think this may have triggered her flight response. I was looking (ok, stalking) her old facebook posts and her ex's and found that she disabled her facebook account at the end of Dec till early March during their break-up...she also lost a ton of weight very quickly. I don't know what else could have...we don't really fight and I've never been anything but genuine and loving towards her.

Does anyone have any insight to offer? Has this happened to someone else? Does someone know a bit about trauma....does my interpretation make sense or am I deluding myself? After such a horrible miscarriage and break-up it seems like ptsd might be a possibility. What should I do? I don't want to lose her. The fact that she pulled away, yet has not officially broken up leads me to think she just needs some time. This just doesn't feel right. I've been through a break-up after a 5yr relationship in the past that was easier than this :-/

- - - Updated - - -

I maybe should add that early in our relationship...maybe 4 months in, she muttered under her breath, "shit, I'm starting to really like you". I thought it cute at the time, but now it feels like she was afraid of getting close to someone. I've dated a couple commitment-phobes in the past and she doesn't seem like one...it seems like she was afraid to open up to someone that soon. But, things were great after that and I almost even forgot she said that...she even met my parents. This isn't fun...

[basilandthyme]

I believe her reason for ending things. While you don't see lack of time together as a huge problem, she obviously did. Spending lots of time together is really important to some people - myself included.

She was sick and tired of your lack of time and preoccupation with study and ended things. I know you saw things turning around in the next semester, but it's most likely that she lost her interest in you while you were otherwise occupied.

Sorry mate, it's time to let her go and move on.

[NMB482]

I appreciate the comment, but I have trouble agreeing. I even just spoke with a close friend of her's who is bothered by the situation. She's telling me I'm not deluding myself. But who knows, I've been wrong before. The fact that it was so sudden and not based on much (we didn't have significant relationship issues) and happened on an anniversary of a trauma make it not so simple, I think. The lack of time bothered her a bit...I get that. But, it shouldn't have ruined our relationship. Plus, she never officially broke it off! I'm really trying to be objective about this and not have hope simply to dodge any pain I may feel. But, if someone vanishes, doesn't officially break-up with you, and doesn't even talk to her friends about it...right at the anniversary of such a shitty event, surely I'm justified in raising an eyebrow? I mean, she hasn't even really been hanging out with her friends the last few weeks. She's avoiding everything.

Does anyone understand trauma like this? Advice?

[basilandthyme]

Have you heard of the 5 languages of love? Those who value quality time would not agree that lack of time together shouldn't ruin a relationship. While it may not ruin a relationship for you, it can certainly ruin it for those who value different things in a relationship.

Anyway, I'm not telling you what you want to hear...so I'll leave you to it.

[NMB482]

No, I do understand. This is why grad school tends to be hard on relationships. I'm not denying that lack of time wasn't bothering her and that quality time isn't important. But, she knew it was temporary (I have much more time now) and there are many more important variables here. HOW she mentioned it through email was not very convincing..it felt like it was contrived. Plus, she's the type of person who likes her alone time. I literally just got off the phone with one of her best friends and she's telling me that I should stick around a bit. You may be right, though.

[milk&honey]

If you still want a chance with her, just stick around and see how it goes. She really likes you and if you can show her that you'll be able to spend the time with her I think you've got a good chance