Am I awful in a relationship or is my gf far too insecure?

[abitconfused]

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this post because I'm in a strange position and don't know where to turn. Just as a bit of background I'm 25 now, and my gf is my first gf and first love. When I was younger I was socially awkward and completely lacking in confidence. After a lot of proactive effort I managed to get past it when I was around 22-23, and a few months into the process I met the gf, I'll call her S.

I feel like I have so little experience with relationships that I just don't know if I'm unreasonable or if she's just terrible. There's a bit of history in here but I'll try to keep it brief - I guess I wanted to outline the contrast of the then and now.

An idea to bear in mind for this post is that I have never cheated on her, I've don't flirt with other women, I don't even look at other women when I'm in public (honestly).

I had originally wrote a long history for this but I realised it wasn't really that relevant and would bore you to tears. The jist of it is, we were originally a long distance relationship but she moved to the UK to be with me. Originally things were fantastic but she's slowly started to assert more and more insecurity into the relationship.

The biggest events things that stood out for me is that I had to abandon a purely platonic relationship with a very close female friend of mine because S gave me a 'me or her' ultimatum. I've since slowly (over the course of 18 months or so) have broken off regular contact with all my friends, because eventually S finds a problem with them.

Once she finds an issue with them, she'll often do something embarrassing to create tension between me and my friend. As an example, she sent a text message to a friend once telling him to stop asking me to visit his home, because I don't like his fianc�e and I don't want to be around her. She expects me to take her EVERYWHERE with her, so once this tension is made between my friends and her, I don't want to be in the same room as both of them at the same time.

She's so insecure about me and other women that she's told me I shouldn't talk with another woman unless it's regarding work or an unavoidable situation like a shop.

We don't live together at the moment, she caught me looking at porn once and went berserk. She attacked me with various weapons, and I emerged with a black eye and a few cuts - family got involved at this point and we haven't lived together since.

She expects me to spend my free time either with her in real life or online. I used to love to play video games but I can't any more at all because I'm 'ignoring her'. I played for 30 mins last week and she complained about my gaming time.

She's actually told me directly that she can't understand HOW I can have fun when she's not around.

Ever since she's known me I've been quite serious about the gym, and recently I've started getting rid of fat so I'm looking in great shape, abs showing etc. She's started telling me to stop this, because she thinks I'm trying to look good for other girls.

She's happy to relentlessly bother me when I'm in the office, like she is right now. I've actually made a pretty big mistake (at work) in recent days that might bite me in the ass and cause me problems. I have no doubts that it's in part due to the extra stress she gives me when I'm here. When I turn off gtalk she phones my phone. When I turn off my phone she calls my office.

My question is this - Am I wrong here? Surely it's ok to want to do things by myself? Surely I should be able to have my own friends? Surely she should respect that she shouldn't bother me daily when I'm at the office? I know I shouldn't go for 8 hour marathon gaming sessions any more, but surely a few hours a week is fine?

I'm sorry for the huge post - thanks so much if you stuck with me. I'd appreciate any input.

[Bonfire]

She's so insecure about me and other women that she's told me I shouldn't talk with another woman unless it's regarding work or an unavoidable situation like a shop.

We don't live together at the moment, she caught me looking at porn once and went berserk. She attacked me with various weapons, and I emerged with a black eye and a few cuts - family got involved at this point and we haven't lived together since.

She is a psycho! Run for your life!

[abitconfused]

I never claimed to be perfect, the case with the porn is probably the biggest screw up I've ever done. Now she remote desktops into my machine so she can see what I'm doing at any time, to check I'm not looking at porn. I really haven't ever done anything to hint that I'd cheat. She was insecure about this before she saw me looking at porn.

She's made mistakes too, I've actually forgiven her for hitting me and I've never mentioned it for 4 or 5 months now. She still complains about me getting my family involved at the time, and still expects me to not spend time with them as a result of that incident.

I'd love to be able to chat to my friends about this but she reads all my chat logs, my emails, my phone bill etc to see who I've been talking to so I wouldn't 'get away' with having those conversations....

EDIT: Hmm this was a response to another reply this thread got, but poster has since deleted it

[Stillits]

I have to agree. She is way too insecure verging to psycho really, to be in a relationship. I would say that even though it hurts you have to think of yourself and exactly how much of your life and the people in your life you want to throw away for this one girl who is extremely possessive. It's not worth it, really. She doesn't want you to have a life, unless it includes her all the time. It's not right.

[Anturo]

Can you explain me the reason you still are with her?

Do you not have enough balls to know when to draw a line?

I'm a man I'm going to look at porn if you are not giving it up. (Maybe even when you are)

I like video games I plan to play them.

I like feeling strong and healthy I will not stop going to the gym.

If these are things that you cant handle then you cant be with me.

See how that works. IMO she is a psychotic and controlling, and you should get out.

[therealjag]

Mate that reminds me exactly of the kind of thing im going through, except not to that extent and its really really hard and emotionally draining.

I also started out long distance with my gf and then when i moved back home everything was a nightmare. She would always want me to herself, she would always, always have a problem with me spending time with my mates. She eventually has fallen out with all my mates including my best friend and his girlfriend because she thought my mates gf was trying to get it on with me in the club (even though my mate and his bird have been going out for almost 4 years and he was standing right beside us anyway!)...and the reason she has fallen out with all my mates is that she thinks they are all players and so if I 'hang' with them, i'll end up cheating on her.

she also gets so overemotional its unbeleivable. I'm also not allowed to talk or look at other women, even though she comments on other guys all the time about how hot they are etc etc. she says im a liar and a cheat and shes not, which is why she has the right to look and comment and why i dont.

I've tried breaking up with her so many times because I cant hack it anymore but she always begs and pleads till i just end up giving in. she has even attempted suicide the last couple of major times i tried to break up with her and it just pulled me back in because she knows i still care about her.

at this moment i have still been able to go out and chill with my friends and family because i have thus far managed to keep her at a distance. she has wanted me to propose to her and she wants to move in with me ( i moved away again so its long distance again btw) but i have resisted so far. and because it is long distance, it gives me the breathing space that i need - otherwise things would be a totall nightmare and i would never be able to see my family again.

with these girls its like, everything is amazing, hunky-dorey, sweet as can be if they are getting their own way, but once you do something, even an inkling of something that they dont like, then they just explode in a rage. my girlfriend has hit me so many times in the past aswell and its something i'll never forgive her for which is why i do now treat her like shit sometimes because i sometimes feel like she deserves it - even tho deep down i know i shouldnt and should just man up and end it.

i think you should try to leave this girl if you can. i have heard how stories like yours and mines always always end in disaster and i have even heard of a woman who killed and stabbed her boyfriend because he went against something she said ( i think he wanted to go out for a drink with his mates in the pub)

anyway, good luck bro...its a long response by me but i just had to share..let me know if you want to talk

[abitconfused]

Appreciate the great responses all.

Anturo - I think therealjag touched on this in his post, being in a similar boat. I didn't think anybody would read the post if I wrote up as much as I wanted. Basically the reason I stayed with her this far is because when we're good we're fantastic. If we have a good weekend then there's nothing I'd rather have done. We have similar ideas about where we're headed in the future, very sexually compatible etc.

I hear what you're saying about drawing a line. I guess this is something she's just been steadily chipping away at for such a long time. Eg. At first it was OK for me to have a platonic female friend, then it wasn't ok to have a close female friend, then it wasn't ok to have female freinds, then it wasn't ok to joke and have fun with other women, then it wasnt ok to talk to other women. I realised it actually seemed quite silly, what I put up with, during the act of actually writing everything down for the original post.

As I said, but maybe didn't elaborate on enough, we no longer live together - this was on the back of me breaking up with her once. After a few weeks she was begging me to take her back and she was quite lovely for the few weeks after I did. Ended up in the same place though.

therealjag - Thanks for sharing. You did a better job of explaining this kind of insecure behaviour than me, what you're saying sounds very similar to my experience. I know what you mean with the begging and pleading, along with the appeals for pity and acting like a victim, self harming etc.

Today I had to put my foot down, your responses definitely helped me along the way. Yesterday was free food and drinks at a top comedy club provided by my company, she said I couldn't go yesterday and I did as she wished, even though she knew I wanted to go. I found out this morning that the special guest was Jack Dee (he's ace!) and was a bit gutted. She found out I was a bit gutted and wanted to argue with me about it. She started spamming me on instant messengers and calling me etc.

Yesterday evening I basically told her that she has to stop pestering me when I'm in the office, I can't tolerate it any more. She agreed. Just now I let her know that she's repeatedly ignored her own promise, and that I'm going to have to break up with her if this is how she expects our relationship to continue.

She's taken it badly and doing her usual thing when this happens. There's something I didn't mention because I didn't want it to influence how people read things, but for the past few months she's been jobless and she's totally dependant on me for money. I pay her rent, groceries, phone bill etc. Basically she's asking me to send her 1 month's rent then pay for a plane ticket home at the end of the month. I don't know what this 1 month is about... I suspect she expects to lay low for a couple weeks and then start trying to make up with me again before the end of the month.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Please break up with her, immediately. All her screws are loose. Break up with her, don't pay her bills and don't respond to any contact because this is the type that will show up at places and make scenes. Take your life back. Call your female friend and apologize to her for cutting her off, and start hanging out with your friends again. I suggest using this service to break up with her -- [url]www.idump4u.com[/url]

[Anturo]

I understand when things are great they are great.

But if you cannot be "you" around her, why put up with it?

There are so many others out there that will let you be you, and be great as a partner.

I'm just saying if I was in your shoes I, one wouldn't let it get this far, and two would not let it go any further.

How much more walking over you is she going to get?

You need to reclaim you balls from the glass case on her mantle and get the move on.

[girl68]

Half the problem is you. You know those screaming annoying temper tantrum throwing children? The ones where you look at the parents and shake your head? Well you're the parent, and I'm shaking my head. Those kids get act like that because everytime they do they get something good. You gf controls you because you've allowed it.

So to answer you quesion are you aweful in relationships? Yes. Is she crazy/ insecure? Oh hell yeah.

First she needs a job, I'd like to know how much effort has gone into a job search? Or is she simply mooching? That's a red flag right there. She needs hobbies and friends of her own, if she did she wouldn't need to control yours. And ANYONE who argues they don't need friends if they're in love is talking complete bullshit. You always need friends.

Second, stop indulging her requests! Every time you cut a friend out gives her more reason to continue asking. If she sends a text FIGHT!

You're a total pussy as it stands.

[abitconfused]

Honestly I am swaying in the direction of most of the posts here - it's too far into the relationship for anything to change now, and she as a person probably won't change at all.

I'm pretty sure that if I stand my ground for a few weeks she'll accept all my requests for her to change her behaviour, but then after a month or so she'll start to get comfortable and start chipping away again, getting angry about old promises I no longer keep etc.

Girl68 - To her credit she did have a job and she worked hard at it, she lost it through something out of her control. She had something new a couple weeks back but lost it due to a load of bullshit. She definitely really wants to work, I do believe that.

She gets along with people really well and she's always got people from her country (who live here) calling her up asking to hang out or go shopping or something. She never goes unless I go with her, despite my encouragement. Sometimes I will come along too and she has a good time, but she might never see those people again because I'm too busy or whatnot to join her. As you said, she claims she doesn't need anybody except me, which I think is bollocks.

I'm aware that this is in huge part my fault. Retrospectively the seeds were there early in the relationship - I just didn't have a clue what to look out for. It shouldn't have gone this far.

Thanks

[IncognitoSir]

Her insecurities have driven her to be controlling and you're allwing yourself to be controlled. She took: your friends, video games, PORN, personal time, free time, etc. Come on, she's totally running your life and................wait for it....................SHE'S STILL NOT HAPPY! There's probably only one way this relationship will work out and that's HER WAY......don't marry her man.

[lahnnabell]

She lost two jobs and neither were her fault? Interesting. How much of that story is truth, I wonder.

She's crazy controlling and I guarantee you you'll be wondering where you're youth went years from now. I think you're placing her on a pedestal 'cause she's the first good thing you got after you improved your self-confidence. So, you think she's a measure of your self-worth. Don't do that to yourself. You're worth just as much without her, possibly more, 'cause you won't be screwing up your friendships and the rest of your OWN life.

[HeartIsAching]

I've got a hell of a lot to say on this, bear with me and I'll answer several points in your original post... stand by.

[HeartIsAching]

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this post because I'm in a strange position and don't know where to turn. Just as a bit of background I'm 25 now, and my gf is my first gf and first love. When I was younger I was socially awkward and completely lacking in confidence. After a lot of proactive effort I managed to get past it when I was around 22-23, and a few months into the process I met the gf, I'll call her S.

I feel like I have so little experience with relationships that I just don't know if I'm unreasonable or if she's just terrible. There's a bit of history in here but I'll try to keep it brief - I guess I wanted to outline the contrast of the then and now.

An idea to bear in mind for this post is that I have never cheated on her, I've don't flirt with other women, I don't even look at other women when I'm in public (honestly).

I had originally wrote a long history for this but I realised it wasn't really that relevant and would bore you to tears. The jist of it is, we were originally a long distance relationship but she moved to the UK to be with me. Originally things were fantastic but she's slowly started to assert more and more insecurity into the relationship.

The biggest events things that stood out for me is that I had to abandon a purely platonic relationship with a very close female friend of mine because S gave me a 'me or her' ultimatum. I've since slowly (over the course of 18 months or so) have broken off regular contact with all my friends, because eventually S finds a problem with them.

As to the platonic female friend, this is almost understandable, as it's extremely rare that one of those is actually entirely accepted as platonic on both ends - usually one or both of the "friends" is hoping to take it further. However if she truly loves you, she should trust you. Also, as I read the rest of that paragraph, a pattern of abuse emerged, a form of abuse called "Isolation". She's deliberately separating you from your support system, in order to make you more dependent on her.

Once she finds an issue with them, she'll often do something embarrassing to create tension between me and my friend. As an example, she sent a text message to a friend once telling him to stop asking me to visit his home, because I don't like his fianc�e and I don't want to be around her. She expects me to take her EVERYWHERE with her, so once this tension is made between my friends and her, I don't want to be in the same room as both of them at the same time.

This is more isolation - One that you can ignore, however. This one stems from a belief that YOU have (and most people do) that what your partner does reflects on you, that you are somehow responsible for their actions. Guess what? You're not. It's not your fault, it's not your problem, and you can successfully avert that by simply going to the functions where they both are, and if somebody asks, just tell them that you're not responsible for her and her actions, you don't control her.

She's so insecure about me and other women that she's told me I shouldn't talk with another woman unless it's regarding work or an unavoidable situation like a shop.

More isolation - again the aim is to make your more dependent on her emotionally.

We don't live together at the moment, she caught me looking at porn once and went berserk. She attacked me with various weapons, and I emerged with a black eye and a few cuts - family got involved at this point and we haven't lived together since.

This is the result of some deep-seated insecurity - in fact all of this is. Anger is fear in drag. This is also physical abuse and is legally actionable in nearly all western countries. Frankly, you should call the cops if she ever attacks you again. Attacking you with weapons is extreme.

She expects me to spend my free time either with her in real life or online. I used to love to play video games but I can't any more at all because I'm 'ignoring her'. I played for 30 mins last week and she complained about my gaming time.

She's actually told me directly that she can't understand HOW I can have fun when she's not around.

Ever since she's known me I've been quite serious about the gym, and recently I've started getting rid of fat so I'm looking in great shape, abs showing etc. She's started telling me to stop this, because she thinks I'm trying to look good for other girls.

She's happy to relentlessly bother me when I'm in the office, like she is right now. I've actually made a pretty big mistake (at work) in recent days that might bite me in the ass and cause me problems. I have no doubts that it's in part due to the extra stress she gives me when I'm here. When I turn off gtalk she phones my phone. When I turn off my phone she calls my office.

My question is this - Am I wrong here? Surely it's ok to want to do things by myself? Surely I should be able to have my own friends? Surely she should respect that she shouldn't bother me daily when I'm at the office? I know I shouldn't go for 8 hour marathon gaming sessions any more, but surely a few hours a week is fine?

I'm sorry for the huge post - thanks so much if you stuck with me. I'd appreciate any input.

ALL of the rest of this is yet more isolation. You need to get the hell away from her. She's nucking futz.