im being crazy, any male advice?

[BXey]

I met my boyfriend about a year ago when we started university. We were flatmates so very pointedly said we we're going to get involved, tried very hard to justify the dates and nights curled up with a film and kisses as 'just good friends' before we eventually gave up and got together. Being flatmates for a year we've spent a lot more time together than most couples probably do, especially at first and we're incredibly close.

The issue I'm having has been reoccurring throughout our relationship although I'm usually better at trying to ignore them, at the moment I've seen him for about 8 days in 3 months and I'm about ready to call it a day because this is getting to me SO much. I know I'm being crazy about it as well.

I just hate his past. He lost his virginity at 14 to a girl he'd been with a couple of weeks. He says he got with her cos he know he'd 'get some'. He was with another girl for a year and a half, she lost her virginity to him, they were 16-17 while together, she then cheated on him a few times and they broke up. From 17 and a half to 19 he had a total of 10 flings (I dont even know what he's calling a 'fling' I dont know what that means), an undetermined number of one night stands and some other random dates and girls he got more casually involved with. He says he's slept with 7-9 girls but wont give me an exact number (that includes me). I feel so confused with it as well because he wont tell me anything more than this ^^^ about any of the girls.

My past is harder to explain. I've slept with a few people other than him. Drunken one night stands that I don't remember. The only guy I've got involved with prior who I cared about was 6 months when I was 15, he got carried away one day and it messed me up a bit in terms of my attitude to sex. I dont know when I lost my virginity, I dont know whether the thing at 15 counted or whether it was a one night stand and there's drunken nights I dont know if I had sex or not. I have definitely slept with less people and been sexually intimate with a LOT less people than him. It took me about 6 months of being together (at age 19) to feel comfortable enough to have sex with him.

He seems so happy in a serious relationship with me and really loving and it seems really natural to him and I just can't seem to understand how he can happily have sex so casually. I know I've done it but I hated it, it was self destructive and I felt dirty and horrible and after experiencing sex in a loving relationship I couldn't do that again. In fact the fear of sexual intimacy I've had has only got worse with sleeping with my boyfriend, I feel okay having sex with him and enjoy it but the idea of sex in general with anyone else if we split up literally makes me shake and nearly throw up. The idea of the one night stands I had makes me heave sometimes and my skin crawl. To me it's different because I am a completely different person to who I was then and I didn't enjoy it. I hate that something so important to me means nothing to him and I'm getting to the stage where the last time we met I had virtually no desire for sex and now I feel so disgusted that I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to do it when I see him next...

[HeartIsAching]

im being crazy, any male advice?

Yes. Stop it.

[upandaway]

I am not a male, but yes, you are totally over thinking it or something. So you had a few one night stands, big deal! You did something that feels like a mistake, get over it, move on! LOTS of people have one night stands and its not up to you to judge them for it. Just because someone has casual sex doesnt mean they are bad people or have the inability to have a meaningful relationship. You like this man, but you dont even want to have sex anymore because of something you did in the past (and a one night stand isnt something to get so upset about).

However, I can totally relate to you! Honestly it sounds like you might need some therapy to get you through this anxiety you are having. My reasons are a bit different, but I too now have EXTREME anxiety when it comes to anything sexual or intimate. I get physically ill sometimes over it. I have called around to therapists in my area (small town area) and when I ask if they could help me with my sexual anxiety, they all kind of hohum about it I really wish I had some wonderful man to be patient with me and help me though my anxiety and issues. I think you really need to talk to your man about this.

[smackie9]

It's just sex hun. Stop beating yourself up over a few mistakes you have made, everyone does, it's just a normal process of life. You live, you learn, you move on, period. Your BF when he lost his virginity was a typical horny boy, and at that age is their main forcus.....but they grow out out of it somewhat when they get older, and other things in their life takes priority. If you have these anxieties, you need to dicuss it with him. Communication with your partner is key to a solid relationship. I know it is a difficult step to do, but once you get it all out you will feel better, and more relaxed. As for you BFs sexual past, the details of it are none of your business, nor does it dictate his personality or his attitude towards sex. Numbers are not that important, it's the here and now, and how he respects you and treats you as a GF. I feel a lot of this anxiety is due to not seeing each other as much maybe?....if that is what you meant by only seeing him 8 times in 3 months.

As for being with someone else, I doubt you will have destructive bahaviour, you are moved on from that part of your life. You will meet another nice man that you can trust and your feelings for him will help guide you along with the intimacy. Things will just naturally fall into place.

[Mathias]

Wait, so there's drunken one-night stands on your side, and you're judging him?

Stop.

[PainfulLonging]

Stop. Him.

[bulrush]

If you don't like his past, don't see him anymore. Really, what is the reason you have only seen him 8 times in 3 months? That does not sound like he is serious about you.

As for his past, accept it, or move on. You cannot change it. And stop being so uptight about sex. You will never keep a boyfriend being so uptight about that. Men don't want that. Sometimes sex is casual and fun, and sometimes it's great in a loving, intimate, long-term relationship. I prefer the LTRs myself.

[Wakeup]

I'm confused. Are you saying because he doesn't judge HIMSELF like you judge YOURSELF that you can't stand him now? Please explain why you make him suffer for your issues?

Besides: Like Bull said, if you've only seen him 8 times in 3 months then how is this a satisfying relationship for either of you?

Call it a day if that's what you want but certainly don't do it just because you judge yourself while he doesn't. If anything he knows what he wants and goes for it instead of you just going for it and not even knowing what you want. You've descerned what you don't want so don't do it anymore. The past, well it's already happened so I suggest you forget about everything except the lesson.

Regrets like these are a waste of ones time and well being.