Bit of a Double Standard...

[lahnnabell]

So, my boyfriend (W) and I went to a gathering last night. It was a going away party for an acquaintance of mine and we were invited by my now ex (P) of 3 years ago (the one I moved to San Diego with). I discussed the whole thing with my boyfriend (W) a couple of weeks ago and I explained that we didn't have to go. I just thought it would be nice to catch up with a circle of friends that I had lost touch with when my ex and I broke up. I explained that there were a lot of people there that weren't acquainted and it'd be a fun night filled with food and a Mortal Kombat tournament. To my surprise he seemed okay with it and I was delighted to be able to accept the olive branch that had been extended.

Plenty of people showed up, some were acquainted, many were not, so people were forced to mingle accordingly. I took the lead and boldly introduced myself and figured out ways to sneak in commentary about W's job in an attempt to find some joining lines and connections for him. W seemed more content to fiddle with his phone... I became increasingly tired of sitting by his side throughout the evening and sought out conversation with others. Talking about school, employment, unemployment, food, etc. I never once mentioned to anyone that I was P's ex-girlfriend; I simply maintained that I was an old friend that had drifted away because of the direction my life took.

I've only known my boyfriend to be a social butterfly; however, we've always socialized in settings of his choosing. I've met various acquaintances and friends of his and have been cordial and polite with all of them, and struck up conversation with them many times.

Not sure what to do here. I understand these situations can be awkward, and I gave him the choice of opting out several times. My ex has a wonderful girlfriend that he's been with for over a year now and while P and I got reacquainted I made sure to extend the conversation to others. I didn't want to create bad vibes between anyone.

Note: This awkward behavior occurs when he's around my girlfriends too. Even though my ladies are incredibly sweet and accommodating, he just can't help but be terribly awkward.

Any way I could have made this situation better? Should we not have gone at all? How can I help him in the future?

[TheTooya]

Sorry for the bluntness, but I can kind of understand what your boyfriend might be thinking. Hes in a scenario where he simply feels out of place, and would rather escape on a phone, space, etc. Its incredibly easy to be very open and friendly with people you already know, but when it comes to people you absolutely don't know at all, -_____-

I see two things you can do (indirectly or directly)

1. Don't bring him along if you know he will be bored, but let him know you will have your phone on you if he wants to text (reassurance that you are not trying to usher him away)

2. (Trickier) Have your friends ask your boyfriend MORE questions. People LOOOVE to talk about themselves, but at times get shy about coming out there. It sounds like you are being proactive in up-talking your boyfriend, but your friends might need to work a little harder at asking him questions/finding out more about him. With any luck, he will happily participate

Hope that was helpful... :x

[lahnnabell]

Well, that's what I was trying to say... I hardly knew anyone either. I was acquainted with about 3 other people besides my ex (and there were at least 20 people in attendance). I was making conversation with the other couples and trying to pull as many people as possible into the conversation.

And when my BF did start talking at one point he decided to start a sparring match with someone who expressed their opinion about something he really liked (Philly Cheesesteaks). Instead of agreeing to disagree he seemed to harbor a bit of personal resentment over the ordeal. I was going to attempt to do some damage control without making it look too obvious, but I thought it might be best to try to steer the conversation in another direction.

I didn't really expect that he'd be so awkward. I knew he wasn't completely at ease in new situations, but I thought he could've made more of an effort considering I worked hard to make myself known in his circle.

I'll have to keep these situations to a minimum I guess. He's just pretty terrible about reading people and situations. Makes me worry about his job in the hospitality industry a bit...

[TheTooya]

Well, I know nothing about how he will do his job, but I can understand/relate to his awkwardness. Around people he doesn't know... I really don't think its going away.

I remember back maybe 8 years ago when I was generally accepting with someone pushing me into social situations to stretch me out a bit (I was very introverted before then), and it did help, a lot. If it wasn't for my friends pushing me to talk with people I was uncomfortable with, I would be much more introverted than I am now. But, if my significant other tried to do that same type of pushing today... I'd probably get very annoyed and obstinate.

...
Yea there isn't really any real advice I can offer, I think that's simply who he us. It sounds like you are *much* more of the social butterfly than he is, which is fine, I think he simply has limits and a lower comfort zone with reaching outside his circle of people he knows.

Maybe try to get one of his friends in on one of these events (awkward maybe?), he will probably talk with the friend a lot, lot more, but if his friend is very social as well, it might help.

Good luck!

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, I'm sure it's not going away... I guess it was something I didn't get a good look at until now. Before I came into his life, he didn't have anyone that he was very close to. He had friends and people he would socialize with upon going out, but he never really spent his downtime hanging out with someone on a personal level. It was always buying rounds of shots at the bar and attempts at shallow conversation. That's why I typically avoided those types of scenes; they were so impersonal. I love the one on one time I get with my girls and he could really use the same type of time with the guys. Maybe I should look into encouraging that... Now that he and his buddy work at different locations, this would be a great chance for them to become better friends outside of work. His other friend helped me move some furniture the other day and we talked about making plans with our significant others in the future.

It's tough, 'cause my girlfriends are single and I'd much rather pal around with them when we go out than to have to hold his hand. Yeah, pretty sure he needs a guy friend.