Argueing with gf about engagement

[Skoystah]

I've been living with a gf i met on-line since 8 months. For this I moved to her country, leaving behind my family & friends & a good job (or job opportunities in general). Were not living together, cos she (and/or her parents) don't want this before were engaged. This engagement is what's causing a problem. Since last year already, she started talking seriously about engaging. I was caught by surprise then, and told her I wasnt ready for that, even if it meant marrying years later. She didnt understand this and we went through heavy fighting. Now, many months later, it occasionaly pops up again, her asking if I want to engage, and every time i feel pushed, forced almost, and i say im not ready, that she should give me time. I tell her that I love her, but she says she doesnt believe me, cos if i would really love her i would have no problem engaging with her. It goes that far, that she tells me 'engage now or its over'. Now I don't know what to do. I don't feel i'm ready for engaging, but I'm actually not sure why not. Maybe I'm not sure I want to stay with her. I do love her very much, I like spending time with her. But some things I don't like. She cant do things alone, or stay alone, I need to be there all the time. I miss freedom. When we are fighting heavily, i think about going back to my home, getting that dreamjob I saw there, going out with friends whenever i want to, do whatever i want to. Maybe i'm afraid of being honest to myself, cos I cant imagine being without her, cos i love her. I cant write all the details here, so its not possible to make a precise judgement, but this is just how i feel. She doesnt know about that last part however. I've tried to talk to her about all this, saying that the fact I'm not ready now, doesnt mean I never want to engage or marry. And that if she would love me, she would wait. To that she just replies see sees no reason why i wouldnt engage her, that it wouldnt do any bad to me, that if i dont engage i dont love her... I just cant make her understand that im not ready, she doesnt get it, she feels like any 'normal' guy would jump in the boat at once! Atm its really ****** up, she's saying its over, that she doesnt love me, that she hates my personality, stuff like that. And i dunno what to do right now. What i do know is that i wont all of a sudden change and drop on my knees, its not gonna happen. If i ever engage her, i need not to feel pressured.Instead she rather say how 'happy' she would be with her ex-boyfriend .. . I think if i didnt live in another country, i might have run away already :s Im persistant, i put lots of effort in this relationship, but there's limits I really dunno what to do now.. I moved from my home to be here, got a job here, an appartment. If i leave now, it would be forever. If i stay it would be forever too, cos she doesnt wanna move to my country, where it would be better living for both of us. Im thinking if i would leave i would regret it later, and say to myself 'is this so much better?' .. that the grass just seems greener on the other side :s If i didnt love her so much ... or maybe i just got used to her : / Its my first relationship, so its rly hard for me to relativate .. Just need to make a decision.

[jadelil25]

8 months in to a relationship is very soon to be thinking about engagment and I feel that she is being very unfair on you.

Sit down and talk to her properly, away from everyone else. Listen to what she has to say and then tell her you feel. Communication is important in a relationship and if she loves you and cares about you then she will understand. You are going to have to be firm with her on this.

If she is not willing to listen/compramise then as hard as it sounds you need to leave her. Relationships are too way and it sounds like you are doing all of the work and she is just being unfair.

There is not a lot of guys out there who would move long distance to be with a partner.

If you are having doubts about getting engaged then dont do it. Because if you do it will be for the wrong reasons.

You seem like a really nice guy. I know it would be hard and take time, but you will get over her and meet someone who will love you for who you are, understand you and want to be with you for the right reasons.

[Skoystah]

She seems to think any guy would move to another country if he loves a girl. Then again, me moving doesnt even mean to her that i love her, she says.

Now she's saying its over, that i should move out, that it would be best for both of us. But I know her, and i know she's only saying that cos she's upset ... always like that.

Its just i dont know what to do now. I could go to her and tell her i love her and tell her that somewhere in the future i can engage/marry her ... but im not sure i want this .. i cant lie to her can i? I just wanna be really sure what i want .. stay a while longer maybe and see how it goes, hoping it changes, gets better... I tried telling her in every way that im not ready, but she just doesnt understand .. thinking im not normal and that i dont love her ...

[Gigabitch]

Do NOT marry this mean-spirited, volatile, rotten person. Run away. Run fast.

[The_bobb]

Listen to the above post...

This sounds like a VERY disturbed woman... 8 Months is too short to decide you want to marry someone. Unless of course you BOTH feel it. The fact that she's using threat and ultimatums to force you into a decision (whether or not "it's just what she does") is proof enough, for me, that all she wants is the marriage.

Some chicks are like that, they don't care about the RELATIONSHIP, they just feel that they need to be married and married now. Either because friends are pressuring her into it or her family. And if THAT"S the case, how prone is she to giving into other pressures after your married?

No i don't like this one bit, i say you get out... Move back home (IF your not happy where you are), get into touch with friends and meet a nice, NON-CONTROLLING girl...

[Gigabitch]

That's a great point. She wants a wedding, not a marriage.

[kate_spencer]

She seems to think any guy would move to another country if he loves a girl. Then again, me moving doesnt even mean to her that i love her, she says.

She doesn't know what she's saying here.. you've done so much for her. She should be thankful that you chose to be with her than your family and friends and that dream job you're saying.

Now she's saying its over, that i should move out, that it would be best for both of us. But I know her, and i know she's only saying that cos she's upset ... always like that.

I bet..

Its just i dont know what to do now. I could go to her and tell her i love her and tell her that somewhere in the future i can engage/marry her ... but im not sure i want this .. i cant lie to her can i? I just wanna be really sure what i want .. stay a while longer maybe and see how it goes, hoping it changes, gets better... I tried telling her in every way that im not ready, but she just doesnt understand .. thinking im not normal and that i dont love her ...

Why don't you try to move out for a moment.. give space for each other to think about your situation. Go back to your country and do what you've missed like hanging out with your friends and family. Maybe it will make her realize that you're right.. and have to respect your decision not to engage for now.. anyway, it's too soon for 8 months.
I hope it helped at least. Good luck!

[Indignant]

Do NOT marry this mean-spirited, volatile, rotten person. Run away. Run fast.

no no no, we don't know half of the story yet. we need to know ages, countries involved first.

why don't you want to marry her, Skoystah?

[Skoystah]

That is one of the things I'm unsure about. I feel that I'm not ready for the next step, but I'm not sure if I even want a next step. I do love her very much, she can be so sweet, she's beautiful, funny ... but I don't know if I want this. As already stated in my original post, she has the tendency to get extremely unreasonable, even putting me for unfair choices an ultimatums. She's also acting then as if I'm doing everything wrong, that I don't care about her, that I don't love her. But it's also the life in general I'm not sure about.

I met her online, about 3 years ago. I loved her soon after I met her, but only after 2 years she said she loved me too. Then I visited her for the first time, and then it went rather fast. She started getting anxious, and I had to move quickly, or it would be 'over'. I moved here, to Poland, from Belgium. I left a decently paid job (my first job), my friends and family, and it all went rather sudden. I came here and lived for about 2 months at her place, after which I moved in an appartment in her town, which her aunt owns. Im living here alone, she's living at home, cos she doesnt wanna live together before engaging. Anyway, time flied, i was unemployed till December, when i found a job at a Belgian company here in Poland. But I don't know if i want this life. There's many things about her I have a hard time with. She's totally dependant on me, she has little self esteem. I know that's not one's fault, it's hard to work on. She has a hard time staying alone. I had to go to Belgium a few weeks for my work, and when I was there she had problems me meeting friends. We were fighting even then, and she was saying things like she would go to her ex-bf, which totally freaked me out. Already before I moved to Poland, she had problems me going out in the weekends, and I should stay home. We have problems talking. I'm not much of a talker, and I dont really know what to talk about. All we do is watching some shows/movies at home, cooking together occasionaly. She never feels like going out though. I'm just writing things that come up now, it's probably not enough to get a full picture of things.

I have it hard with the fact I may never return to my country. I imagine being free, doing whatever i want to, going out with friends when I like, getting a job i want, stuff like that. When were fighting heavily, im really craving to go back, for that life. I'm only afraid that If i would go back, i would miss her ... that i would realize i made a mistake by leaving. At this moment Im just constantly phasing between good times, where she's not mad, where I feel ok, although our life could be better in my country. And then there's the bad times, when the whole marriage thing comes up, or something else, where she tells me she hates me, that im a monster to her, that im the worst person in the world. At the beginning i didnt dare to fight back, but now Im just fighting back, sometimes raising my voice even.

Its too much to name, Im just really confused, not knowing what to do, not knowing if its my fault, if im being impatient, and selfish. Or if we just dont match, that I should go back, even though I love her. One thing i know for sure, is that i dont want to engage now, i dont want to ruin my life by making a wrong decision. If something isnt clear, please say, and maybe i can clarify. Thanks for listening/reading.

[vashti]

Of course she wants to get married. That's why she moved IN with you - most women see living together as the next step towards marriage, which is why I advise against it unless you are already engaged.

8 months is too soon to be talking about weddings. Move out.

[lilmama615]

She sounds like an overbearing bitch. You deserve better. Obviously, she does not appreciate what she has. If for any reason your gut is telling you not to do something, listen to it. Our hearts have no logic, they just know how to love.

[Indignant]

I feel that I'm not ready for the next step, but I'm not sure if I even want a next step. As already stated in my original post, she has the tendency to get extremely unreasonable, even putting me for unfair choices an ultimatums. She's also acting then as if I'm doing everything wrong, that I don't care about her, that I don't love her.

I met her online, about 3 years ago. I loved her soon after I met her, but only after 2 years she said she loved me too. Im living here alone, she's living at home, cos she doesnt wanna live together before engaging. She's totally dependant on me, she has little self esteem. Already before I moved to Poland, she had problems me going out in the weekends, and I should stay home. We have problems talking. I'm not much of a talker, and I dont really know what to talk about. All we do is watching some shows/movies at home, cooking together occasionaly. She never feels like going out though.

I imagine being free, doing whatever i want to, going out with friends when I like, getting a job i want, stuff like that. And then there's the bad times, when the whole marriage thing comes up, or something else, where she tells me she hates me, that im a monster to her, that im the worst person in the world.
Its too much to name, Im just really confused, not knowing what to do, not knowing if its my fault, if im being impatient, and selfish. Or if we just dont match, that I should go back, even though I love her. One thing i know for sure, is that i dont want to engage now, i dont want to ruin my life by making a wrong decision. If something isnt clear, please say, and maybe i can clarify. Thanks for listening/reading.

The notion that I am getting is that you are still in the situation because she is worth it to you. Everything that you have mentioned to make her look bad in our eyes are not legit and probably slightly exaggerated. You could say that about every woman here at some point in our life.

You have already told us that you would not marry the girl, why are you wasting her time then? You have put her in the worst situation imaginable by letting her know that you wouldn't want to be married to her, however are not ready to break the relationship. If that was me, I would've dumped your ass a long time age. However it does seem that she carries feelings for you.

You fell in love with her shortly after, and she only after two years. Sounds like she is the sound one in the relationship since she started developing feelings for your persona after meeting you in real life and not falling for a fantasy boy.

If you can't accept her or love her the way she is, let her go. She doesn't deserve to go through your bachelor's dream shitty reality that you are enforcing on her.

[Skoystah]

I am not trying to make her look bad, I was just talking about the things I have trouble dealing with. She has many positive sides as well. I very well realise every woman will have good and bad sides, just like I do.

I never said to her I never want to marry or engage her. I said i'm not ready. However she interprets this as 'never'. She thinks that if I love her, i would be ready anytime. I disagree.

She loved me longer than that, however she never told me about her feelings, she told me later she thought nothing could happen anyway, that i would never move for her anyway. But I did.

I do love her, but there's so many things I don't know I can live with. The most important are the fact that I may never return to my country. Secretly I hoped maybe that she would consider moving to my country, where both of us would have a better living standard. Then again I understand that would mean for her having to leave her family behind, with which she has a very strong bond. Lately we started argueing about religion too. She believes and I don't, which seems to lead to some complications.

It's just not easy to decide, one day were fighting and I have feelings to get out. At the beginning I had the will of fighting for her, almost begging her to forgive me if i did something wrong. Now I feel i lack that will. I just feel torn and indecisive.

[vashti]

I don't understand. Have you been seeing her for 2 years or for 8 months? If it''s been 2 years, she is right - it's time to make a decision. if you can't, then she isn't the girl for you, and you should quit wasting her time.

[Indignant]

I don't understand. Have you been seeing her for 2 years or for 8 months? If it''s been 2 years, she is right - it's time to make a decision. if you can't, then she isn't the girl for you, and you should quit wasting her time.

exactly my point, this is what happens when you have a 2 year online relationship and then 8 months real life.