Lost the spark...

[nomojo]

I've been thinking of breaking up with my g/f for a while now. We've been together over 6 years now (both around 30). When it started, we were madly in love with each other and there was a lot passion. But for the past few years, things have really cooled off. Sex is boring... most of the time I don't even want to have it with her and have to force myself to because she wants to. We still get along great, we're great friends but at least for me, the passion is gone. It's more like we are cuddling best friends than passionate lovers. In addition, this past year our relationship has been long-distance, making things even worse.

I've been thinking about trying to end it, but I haven't had the courage. She's expecting us to get engaged soon and the thought terrifies me. She still seems really into me and I'm just too much of a wimp to have that conversation. I almost feel like George from Seinfeld where he says he'd rather live in misery the rest of his life than have the breakup conversation with his fiance.

Recently, I've met a younger girl who sets my heart on fire. I cant stop thinking about her. I know its just infatuation, but this is how I used to feel about my g/f. I don't even know if this other girl is into me or not, but its made me remember what it did feel like to have that passion.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Should I break up with my g/f and pursue this other girl? Should I try to work things out with my g/f and if so, how do we rekindle the spark and how do I stop thinking about this other girl?

[Only-virgins]

It is time to go your separate way from your girlfriend. It seems like it was a nice ride and time to hop on a new one cause you shouldn't be looking at sex as a chore....

[Reilly08]

To try and rekindle the spark, distance yourself from this other girl. I mean really stay the hell away from her. The more you're around her; the more you'll think about her and the less feelings you'll have for your g/f. Talk to and hang out with your g/f more. Try to really embrace your time with her and remember the things you love about her. Also, tactfully try to talk with her about your sex life. I'm sure she wants you to be happy in bed and therefore, will be at least somewhat open to your suggestions.

I was in a similar situation recently and these are the things I wish I had done. I was not proactive and now my relationship is a big mess. If you try these suggestions and they work, you'll be glad to get her a ring. If you try for awhile, really putting your heart and soul into it and there are still no sparks, let her go for both of your sake. But really try.

Finally I repeat, stay the hell away from this other girl. She is crack and you are Lawrence Taylor.

[Bumble_bee]

you are too busy looking at the supposed greener side of town...

relationships/sex, for it to last/keep the passion takes commitment and the want to change things, if you don't speak to your girlfriend and tell her what your feeling, it means your not really giving your current relationship a chance.

[Carmen]

Think about your options, you can break up with your girlfriend without trying to talk to her about your feeling of having lost the passion and giving each other the opportunity to work on it, and go pursue something with this new girl (which most likely won't last). Or if you still have feelings for your girlfriend and think there is hope, talk to her about the way you feel..don't let her believe that everything is fine and then go break up with her. I know you probably don't want to hurt her by telling her you're not feeling the same but it'll be worse to just breakup without giving it a chance

[IndiReloaded]

Just so you know, those feelings of passion will wane no matter who you are with. Ask any long time married person (>10 years). Other things do make up for this loss of early-days glitz.

You will end up a very lonely person, jumping from partner to partner if you go chasing that feeling all your life. What you are feeling are the hormones from a biological program designed to spread your genes. It has nothing to do with more evolved aspects of a relationship such as commitment and longterm growth.

That said, it may be you & your GF have simply outgrown each other. You started dating quite young. So, what you do should really depend on each of your other characteristics and how compatible you are. Good people and partners are very hard to come by, so be careful you aren't losing someone for the fleeting feelings of passion.

Read here, think about it, and then decide what you want to do. Good luck.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28296-stages-marriage-long-term-relationship.html[/url]

[bloodtippedrose]

A famous French quote "love makes the time pass and time makes love pass" sad but not necessarily true.

There is passionate love and companionate love.
When the passionate, giddy, and absorbing feelings in one another have faded, companionate love forms, which is a deep affectionate attachment, where you get out of the relationship what you put into it. It's a more stable and long-term love that you get with anyone whose life has entwined with yours.
In companionate love, passion can easily be rekindled by answering intimate questions (one person reveals a little, the other reciprocates, first one reveals more etc. etc.) about when the last time you cried in front of another person, sang to yourself.. or you can talk about the beginning of your relationship etc. Another good way of getting passion temporarily back is to buy an adult game. "A Hot Affair" won adult game of the year. It starts off giving you back the floating "in love" feeling and ends up in you wanting to do something really crazy.

Bottom line is you can get the exciting and passionate love bouncing from one girl to another but when you're ready to settle down you're going to feel like a jackass for letting this girl go. You should talk to her about it before you go and cheat/leave her. I mean you've been together 6 years at least give her that!

Like I said you get out of a relationship what you put into it, its called equity, and it sounds like you're not even trying to bring some spark back.


Oh yeah and one more thing: I agree with indi saying that you started dating younger. 6 years is a long time so you may have changed or matured. If you're not compatible with this girl any longer then that's a different story then passion.

[nomojo]

Thanks so much for all the great advice so far. You've given me lots of things to think about. We are actually taking a romantic vacation in a few weeks, and I will try my best to see if we can rekindle things again.

The real monkey wrench has been this other girl. Crack is a good way to describe my addiction towards her. Meeting her was unexpected and unfortunately I've been having incredibly intense feelings of infatuation towards her, which I'm trying to suppress but it has been very difficult. I've already stopped talking with her, but does anyone have any other advice on how I can help curb these overpowering emotions towards this other girl?

[IndiReloaded]

Yes. Just imagine that if this other gal did return your affection and did encourage you, that she would be the sort to mess around with a taken guy. Not a nice person.

In other words, you can't win. Just suck it up. There is always someone hotter/prettier/sexier/smarter/etc out there. Accept it. Love the one you are with.

[Gigabitch]

You really have to cut yourself off from her. Do something like put a rubber band around your wrist and snap yourself every time you start thinking about her.

Try to figure out where this is coming from. Are you feeling your youth slip away and want to act like a 23-year-old again? Is there some reason why you're not moving into a more mature kind of passion and just yearn for the Honeymoon Phase kind?

If you think it's possible that you're the kind of guy who just doesn't DO long-term commitment, I hope you don't marry this girl. You'll eventually cheat, probably over and over again as you wear out that brand-new feeling with a succession of younger women, some of whom will be understandably furious with you and tell your wife.

So, nomojo, what kind of man are you?

[Carmen]

I bet you that after breaking up with your girlfriend you wouldn't be that interested in this new girl you met. Just imagine you broke up with her, would you see yourself dating this girl? marrying this girl? You're probably curious to see how it would go but after you fulfill your curiosity then what? I think going on a romantic trip with your girlfriend is the best thing you can do. While in it try to think of what attracted you to her in the first place, play games together (like mentioned above), talk...

[bloodtippedrose]

Shes a little tramp to mess with someone taken. You know that if you wanted to you could get laid, why would you want to trade a deep relationship for a fling? If you need to spread the seed then by all means break up with your girlfriend and get it out of your system but she wont be waiting for you when youre done and any new girl you settle down with probably wont beg you for sex like this one does -_-