I've realised some stuff, but I need some male help about what to do next...

[lizmrg]

OK,

My boyfriend and I split up last June after a 3 year relationship (he left me). We're best friends still though and he's really affectionate - we're always cuddling and he's a bit touchy feely. He recently started university and I know he's feeling lonely but I think he uses me so he feels wanted and loved. I'm not 100% certain this is true because he said he's still confused over our break up but I don't want him using me, if he's going to be all affectionate and stuff I want him to be doing it because he still has love for me. I don't want to confront him about this straight away cos we both hate arguing with each other.
Are there any 'exercises' or 'observations' I could do to see if he is just using me or if he still has feelings? I'm going to distance myself from him to see if he notices I'm not in contact with him as much, I'd just appreciate some other ideas I could do.

Thanks
x

[davidtorres]

I dont know but when your in the university. a guy has a lot of OPTIONS.

[sookie6]

Yes I think you'd rather distance yourself altogether with the guy.
As it is, the relationship seems to belong to the past and you seem to be hoping for its resurrection.

Very soon though your friend will completely change his life, his social circle...everything...and believe me you'll soon be history.

I am only saying this so that you can protect yourself now and move on. I gather he is your first relationship so I know it's tough but the guy is going to play the field whatever you want to believe...

Guys + university + lots and lots of girls= partying and doing it like rabbits...

I hope you are joining uni too and will meet lots of guys yourself.

[Doc Durian]

He may still be interested or in love with you.

Tell him that you're going out bar hopping with your friends who want to look for guys, then actually do it.

Don't give him any details.

Stay missing for a few days to a week after and see what his reaction is in the meantime.

Does he text a lot more than usual, or call? What's his tone like? etc...

[lizmrg]

He may still be interested or in love with you.

Tell him that you're going out bar hopping with your friends who want to look for guys, then actually do it.

Don't give him any details.

Stay missing for a few days to a week after and see what his reaction is in the meantime.

Does he text a lot more than usual, or call? What's his tone like? etc...

Yeah he texts, usually quite randomly lol. His tone is always friendly.
He ended the relationship cos he said he couldn't deal with the distance between cos it was a long distance relationship but when ever we're together it's like we're still together but without kissing and sex. I'm just really confused lol. And it's not me who's being the clingy or affectionate one, he come's to me and asks for cuddles etc. I don't want to seem easy to get with him either cos I know people want what they can't have.

[Doc Durian]

Cuddles are extremely intimate.

Shouldn't you be happy that he's not trying to get you into the sack, just yet?

He may be totaly enthralled and in love with you and is shutting off his maleness in hopes that you'll love him the same way.... then the pashing.... then the wild ceiling fan monkey sex to follow.

He might be shy.... or pure in heart and spirit.

Could be a turn off to a modern gal, also.

[mrtdg82]

You were together a long time and split with no hard feelings. This means there is no real animosity between you. Its hard to let go sometimes even when you know you have split for good reasons. His feelings wont just disapear but fade with time if you allow it to happen. Unfortunatley he is not allowing that to happen. Its a case of head overuling heart in this situation and unless you want to remain confused and potentially getting hurt further id suggest you cut down the contact you have.

[Doc Durian]

I only cuddled with a gal some 20 years ago, on numerous occasions...

She wasn't especially fetching, but she wasn't off putting either.... there was just something between us where she opened her bed after whatever in house party, I accepted, and no question was ever posed as to what would or more particularly, wouldn't, happen on each night.

She trusted me.... I trusted her.

If I could remember her name now, I'd trust her again... I think it started with S... Sharon possibly...

Intimacy is a funny thing...

Should I look her up the next time I descend onto the hometown?

I'm sure she's long gone by now... but you never know... might bump into her in a pub and strike up a conversation about our teenage spooning years with total respect.

Could go somewhere... you never know...

[Lulu]

I'm a trustworthy gal- I'll cuddle you Doc!

[Doc Durian]

I don't fly into GR very often these days, but if you're within an ear shot.... I could make a spooning exception.

btw- I have a trunk and tusks... is that a problem?

[Illusional]

this is what i don't understand at times. if you want the truth, then why don't you be straight up about it. go to the source and ask him, and stop playing these games. in the long run, you'll end up playing less games, and wasting less time beating around the bush if you're upfront about it.

raverboy

[cmacattack1]

Unfortunately, most of us beat around the truth and aren't upfront and honest about things. It would be nice and more convenient if we all were, but if we weren't so insecure and unsure of ourselves, we would be.

The bottom line is that he is keeping you around for all the intimacy parts, but when he is away from you, you better believe he isn't going to be thinking of you. I miss the intimacy of my past relationships, and it's kept me wanting that with somebody else that I didn't feel the same way about. I miss that part, but it doesn't really matter with who. He may find that with somebody else and then he won't need it with you.

The fact that he is confused about what he wants means he wants the best of both worlds: cuddle time with you, keeping the options open for somebody else. I've been a guy that has done it, and as sick as it sounds, I've kept a girl around for years off and on but not really specifying a title and keeping my options open. It didn't end good for her or for me.

Try the honesty route, but if you get the misdirection, I would cut your ties. It may hurt, it may be scary, but you have to recognize that you are what's important here and what you want, not what he wants. If what you want doesn't agree with him, there is no convincing you can do by waiting around.