My boyfriend - time to say goodbye?

[shilly-shally]

Hi,
i will now tell you my story. Please don't judge me too hard, I know, that I made a lot of mistakes. Maybe you wonder, why I post my problems in an english forum. The reason is that I once wrote in a german forum and some class mates read what I had written there. And my boyfriend is native english speaker, so maybe I get more helpfull answers in an international forum.

My boyfriend and me met in summer 2008. I was very lonely at this time and I was very happy that he was so nice to me. He is from Nigeria and told me that he was working as a barber in a barber shop and that he immigrated to Germany, because he wanted to make a career as a soccer player here.
I was frightened, because I had made bad experiences in my former relation ships. I asked him if he wanted to have a love relation ship or just an affair. He told me that he was looking for love. He also said that he would introduce me to his friends and his family and asked me to come to his soccer matches. Today I register, that none of these things has happened. I met his best friend one year ago and last week I met him the 2nd time.

The last time that I saw this best friend, his behaviour towards me was very strange. First he said, that he had a 4 year old child. 5 minutes later he said that the child was 4 months old. He made jokes, but they weren't funny, it was just irritating for me.

It has turned out to be just in affair - in my opinion. We don't share the every day live. We meet 1 evening in a week at the weekend. I have the feeling that I don't know him. I don't know much about his life. Several times I wanted to break up with him, but every time he told me that he loves me and he said all the right things a woman wants to hear in this situation. I don't understand him. My feeling is that we just have an affair. But then he says these things and I make another try.

And now I have the feeling that he gets more and more emotionless. In the beginning he wrote sms, he called me on my mobile phone and he invited me.
I was very shy and I think it wasn't easy for him. But he always wanted to go on. This weekend, for example, he called me at home but I wasn't there. He didn't call me on my mobile phone. When I came home I called him back. He didn't ask if we want to meet. I called him a second time because I felt there was something wrong. He asked who was on the phone(!) and said everything is ok. But there was no feeling, he sounded cold and indifferent.

I don't even know about his problems. He told me, for example, that he doesn't have much time during the week because he works hard. That was a lie. Later he told me that he just works at the weekend.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if these are communication problems or if he is just cheating.

What do you think?

[TheWizard]

Honestly I think that he's no longer interested. Something has happened and for whatever reason he's not making the effort he was before with you. Guys are really simple, we tend to "play it cool" but always be available for a women within reason. I would drop him and move on if you can.

[shilly-shally]

I'm afraid that this is true, that he's not longer interested. But why doesn't he accept it when I want to break up? Why does he discuss with me?

[MVPlaya]

It has turned out to be just in affair - in my opinion. We don't share the every day live. We meet 1 evening in a week at the weekend. I have the feeling that I don't know him. I don't know much about his life. Several times I wanted to break up with him, but every time he told me that he loves me and he said all the right things a woman wants to hear in this situation. I don't understand him. My feeling is that we just have an affair. But then he says these things and I make another try.

That paragraph is all I needed to hear:

Look, some people are smooth talkers, they can talk their way out of anything. I'm like that, I'm very good with words and I can almost always talk people into doing things my way.

This has also taught me something about people who are good with words:

Don't listen to what they say, look at what they do.

If someone keeps doing all the wrong things and saying all the right things, then ignore the things you're hearing and look at what you're seeing. You have not met this guy's friends, you live very secluded lives.

This guy is a liar, a good one, and you are so willing to believe his lies that you are probably ignoring your own instincts because you want it to be true. Its not. Dump him, move on. Tell him none of his words mean anything, only action, and that you've had enough.

[shilly-shally]

This would be the best solution I think. But how can I stay consequent? The last times I changed my opinion because of his nice words and because of my fear to be alone.
What can I do or think in this situation?

[MVPlaya]

Be strong.

His words are not a sign of how much he cares about you, his words are a tool to string you along and accept this relationship despite how little care he puts into you.

[TheWizard]

destroy his numbers in your phone. Block him on your AIM and emails so that you can't be seduced by his words anymore.