Can people really change

[Phoenix8]

I recently borke up with my gf or I should say she broke up with me and I agreed it was for the best. Now she wants to try again. i keep telling her no. My fear is that there were problems in our relationship relating to her admitted controlling ways and her tendantcy to be selfcentered and selfish. I work hard to make the relationship work and could have continued to do so, but think I should not have to be the one to do all the comprimising. Now that she wants to get back together because she is in pain, she says she will change and understands that she dropped the ball in our relationship. We were together for almost 3 years and it steadily got worse. My fear is that it will be better for awhile (1-2 years) them go right back to where it was or worse if we got married. Please help. I would like to belive people can change, but I am not sure. I definitely don't want her to change for me, beacuse i know in the long run she will resent me for making her change. Any thoughts. I am very confused and in pain. I love her, but feel that ultimately all we would ever have is a good to ok marriage. i want an awsome marriage.

[lahnnabell]

You broke up with her for a good reason. Her begging is just a side-effect of her very bruised ego and loneliness, and not any really representation of change in her. Best that you cut off contact ASAP.

[girl68]

Agreed entirely. If she was really interested in changing she would have started working on it the entire time she was apart, instead she's just saying she will. Talk is cheap you are correct. If you give her a chance I suspect you will be right here again in a year.

[Graham Berkeley]

You broke up with her for a good reason. Her begging is just a side-effect of her very bruised ego and loneliness, and not any really representation of change in her. Best that you cut off contact ASAP.

Yikes. How cruel.

I wouldnt cut all contact with her but I would be less available. Tell her you need to see more change over time. That you two need to live your own lives for a while. That you both need some room to grow. If she changes over that time then great. If not then oh well.

[xxazurexx]

I wouldn't just take someones word for it that they had changed, I'd want to see the changes and ensure these changes were proving to be consistant.

I mean quite a few people will have used that line before 'Oh I will change if you take me back'. Merely being said and because they are desperate for you to go back.

Everything would be ok for a few weeks, then back to square one no doubt.

[don't bore me]

got to say,I was the same way and when we broke up I got my sh#t together,started reading books,went to the pros for help,working,you got to want it.and I did.made me a better person for sure

[bloodtippedrose]

If it didnt work out the first time, its not going to work out the next..
second chances may seem noble but I havent met a person yet that has had a beautiful relationship the second time around.

[lahnnabell]

Yikes. How cruel.

I wouldnt cut all contact with her but I would be less available. Tell her you need to see more change over time. That you two need to live your own lives for a while. That you both need some room to grow. If she changes over that time then great. If not then oh well.

She shouldn't want to change simply to get back together with this guy. She needs to want to change because it's going to be better for HER in the long run. His "limiting contact" is the same as dangling a carrot in front a horse to get it to move. You would really want to continue a relationship on that basis? Best to cut your losses and find a more self-sufficient, emotionally functional woman that can give you what you need.