Did I scare him away ???...

[carolina]

Hólà gents (and ladies) !

I have been single for 2 years and dating here and there....tried 2 relationships -for a couple of months each- but it´s just never quite there for me and for the guy....I find we lack a deeper bond, and common interests. The personalities just don´t click.
I am a nice person, friendly but shy and reserved, creative, good looking, and I try to hide my lack of self confidence/esteem.

-where I work, it´s OK for ppl to date, and there are quite cool and non judgemental-
So 1 year ago I met this colleague who works in the same company but far away (another continent). I felt something special, but that was it....we saw each other a few times for social events outside work and even an entire week. We would always end up talking just the 2 of us, like looking for some common interests, and really bond.
He was def. flirting....but I thought that was probably for fun. And everytime I tried to stop myself and my feelings...."he´s far far away anyways !! stop it, don´t even think about it...he´s just a flirt...."
Flash forward 1 year....I told him I´d be around his town on holidays this month. We arranged to all go out together with friends, after I´d visit the office. It ended up being just the 2 of us and we drank and got closer and kissed, and I got in his bed to kiss and sleep only. He told me he thought I was a cool girl when he got to know me better last year...
I saw him again for 2 days, 1 week later, and I thought that was it, a moment of fun, an "accident", I asked him if he felt awkward about what had happened....Not at all. We then confessed that we liked each other, that if it was just a physical attraction (I am always afraid of that with guys who compliment my looks) he wouldn´t pick someone from work, "there is more".
He def. made the first moves when it came to being together in my company, but I did go first in his bed....BUT he said "there is work and there is the distance, that´s why I am being so cautious" and there I was...telling him, it´s what we feel that matters.
At first I had felt he was being open to it : "mmm...relocation, first getting to know each other, maybe it´s the right thing to do I don´t know ". But then he seemed a lot more cautious, even regarding having sex or not, telling me I was on holidays mode and everything would change when I am home...He felt I wanted to experience/rush it all before leaving... Whereas he considered this bit of info -the fact we like each other, that was unexpected- was kinda enough for now.I told him I was attracted to his personality and asked what he liked about mine (shy, funny, creative, caring) and he managed to see so many more things than other guys who´d just say "you´re pretty and smart"....and loved the fact we have many common interests.
The distance...he also hinted I am dating plenty of guys, will probably have someone by next time and so on...
He also asked since when I liked him, really took the compliment, said that´s nice....so I was suddenly doubting if I´d get any feedback, if I was more intense than him.
But afterwards I felt absolute crap, like I had scared him away, and blew it off before it even started, because I wasn´t so "cool" anymore....since he only contacted twice me via sms/email to check on me (worried on our future situation at work only, or genuinely caring about me ?).....I am going mad, I know I have to just relax but I just haven´t felt that way about anyone else for so many years.
My last email was just to answer his, with light hearted description of my last days. and that´s all for now, don´t know if that was mixed signals...also he works a lot.
Sorry for the long text, I am dying to have opinions !!!
Thank you !!

[ellie]

He's being cautious because he's not sure it will work out between you with the distance between you and everything, isn't it? And I also get the feeling there's a lot of attraction between you, but you need more time to get to know each other and it's hard to really get close to someone who lives in a different country, far away.
I think he really is very interested in you, he compliments you and keeps in touch and even admits there's a deeper attraction that goes beyond the physical.

But you said he told you he's being cautious because of work and the distance.
Isn't that the answer?

He doesn't want to get involved with someone who he feels it won't work out with, so that is why he's holding back a bit.

That's the impression I got from what you wrote.
He's being realistic, and I think that is a good thing because he likes you enough not to want any of you getting hurt. And if it is true, what you say, that there is a deeper connection between you, he knows it will be a big mess/someone will get hurt if you guys start anything and it doesn't work out in the end, and he is trying to avoid that.


Don't know if what I think is true, but it's the impression I got, as I said, based on what you've told us.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with ellie, and also would like to add that he was abundantly clear every step of the way where he stood. He doesn't want to get hurt. i don't blame him.

[carolina]

Thank you so much for your insightful answers, waow it´s funny how people can look at a situation from a different angle.
I am confused on how to proceed and act from now on....(if he answers my last email !) or forget it.

[elfen31]

Believe me girl I know EXACTLY how you feel!! Been there too many times where you start a relationship and it's like they bloody want you to chase them or something....but I do understand him being cautious and stuff. How to approach it...hmmm....it's hard coz u do like him.....i can tell....my dear the best thing would possibly be to wait and see...I mean that's all you can do

[ellie]

I think you should be polite and nice if he contacts you, you still like each other so there is no need to cut the ties unless you want to. Keep in touch, be nice, but let it be and try to move on, meet new people, and leave it up to him.

Should he tell you he wants a relationship with you, then make your decision when that day comes.

Putting more pressure on someone who is already confused/hesitant never helps. If anything, it makes them run for the hills. Best is to just let them be.
Keep being you, be polite, answer his emails if you like/want to, but leave it at that and try to meet other people and focus your thoughts on other things.


I know how it feels.

[carolina]

Thanks ladies, I think all opinions go in the same direction...Sit back, relax. Patience is a virtue, and especially with this one who is a capricorn (if anyone believes in astrology) but he is pragmatic.
Of course I´d still love to have more opinions, it helps me being patient until it cools down...

[ellie]

Patience is a virtue indeed. If it helps, my brother was "seeing" his current girlfriend for 2,5 years before committing to her. He hated her in the beginning. =)) But she played it cool and eventually he fell for her.

Although I'm not sure if I'd wait that long for someone.

Personally I tend to fall for Aquarians. Who are commitment phoebes.
So I feel ya =)

[davidtorres]

Lets put it this way. If a guy really likes you then he will do EVERYTHING he can to make it work. Simple as that.

[carolina]

^True. To some extend....I think it´s more "If a guy LOVES you he will do everything"
Doing everything on the basis of "really like", I think it totally depends on the personality of the guy.
He can dive in things, be "whatever, let´s just try !!", or he can also be cautious and mesuring risks, making sure it´s the right thing to do.....when practicality takes over.
I mean we hardly know each other, it´s not like we´re in love....I know at this stage I wouldn´t be throwing my present life either but I am more open to give a chance to get to know him first (email,phone,webcam)....because I am a dreamer !

Reminding me the story of my first love. We were 16, met on holidays. Lived 4 hours aways, we kept in touch just via letters....once every 2-3 months. I was always planning what to write next, making creative pieces of art out of them to send him. He was also a teen, and we never mentionned being together, just we liked each other. At age 19 I finally was coming to his town anyways, I called to just meet. and HE started the relationship naturally and slowly without even mentionning it, just we´d visit one week end a month. It lasted 10 years (with 6 years living together when done with college, where he moved abroad to follow me).
I guess this is different but funny how uncomplicated things are when you´re younger !

[ellie]

I get the feeeling that when (especially guys, but women as well) someone feels that a relationship has the potential of becoming very serious, i.e. when you feel that there is a lot of chemistry already from the start and you know that if you get into it you'll get stuck in a long-term relationship, then you become more hesitant. Because you know that if you start something, and it doesn't work out, it'll cause a lot of pain. So you don't dive in, unless you're sure things will work out and the timing is right.

If it's just a "fling" you really got nothing to loose.


Maybe? I dunno. It's just some of my ideas.

[carolina]

^very valid points. In my case, you add to the mix distance and work.
Can it be just too much to even attempt to go further, and rather stop right now...eventhough the mutual attraction is there. But you can choose to not pursue.
Distance : could kill everything and make the situation unbearable. Work : what if it doesn´t work but we still have to see each other (fortunately in that case the distance means it would only be 4 times/year, and not even working in same team).

[carolina]

....Somehow I sometimes wish I had never known, we would have stayed on this innocent flirting level....but no, I had to go further, explore the potential, only to know it´s impossible ! How frustrating, all for practicalities...

[ellie]

I so feel ya. But while it's frustrating, it's also kind of nice to know the truth. It's hard to stay on the innocent level when there's feelings and chemistry involved. You want to know the prospects of a real relationship. But sometimes you also have to be patient and I have definitely learnt from my mistakes to be more patient and relaxed and not come on too strong.

It's never good to analyze things too much, sometimes it's better to just go with the flow and enjoy the ride. And if it doesn't work out, at least you enjoyed a good time with a cool person and can learn a lesson from that until next time.

[carolina]

Thank you, I think this is over really. I tend to blame myself for sabotaging this, but then again I think that if we had something real he wouldn´t have been scared...he might just not be the type of guy for me, despite all the common deep interests we have and complementarities. I am just sad because I never meet anyone with who it clicks like that.