he wants to kill himself

[searock]

A close friend of mine suffers from depression and bi-polar disorder. He has attempted to kill himself at least twice in the past few months, one of the two he was in a coma for 2 days and doctors said it was a miracle he even woke up, let alone not be paralyzed or anything. He recently confessed to me that he has a major crush on me. I don't feel the same for him - he's one of the best friends I have, we share really deep conversations and I love him, as a friend. But he's just not my "type". I am 100% sure that he never once believed that I was romantically interested in him (I know this as a fact also because of stuff that isn't strictly relevant to this topic).

Here's the thing. I've been dating another friend of mine (who is also his friend) for a couple of months now. I told my friend about this only recently, when the subject somehow came up (I am generally very discreet about my love life, it's not like I was keeping it hidden from him or anything). He reacted in a really bad way. Got really depressed and said that it's only a matter of time before he kills himself and everything. I know that he means it.

Is there anything I can do?

[devonbrown]

You can suggest that your friend seeks help NOW for his suicidal thoughts and attempts. Share the number of the Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. I would also suggest calling it yourself to get professional ideas as to how to assist. A message board is not the place to go for this type of issue. Take it seriously and get him help.

[searock]

Thank you, so much.
Thing is, I don't know if it could be any help. He is already assisted by a psychiatrist, has been since three years, and is currently under anti-depressants medication. His family keeps an eye on him at all times because they know what he's capable of (he is currently at his parent's house, he's 21, like me). I don't think I could convince him into calling a hotline... as for me, it might help, but right now he isn't even replying to my e-mails and he's turned off his cell phone: there's no way I can contact him, if not eventually through his family (I would have to call his father's shop and ask to talk to him, but I think he would hate it and would feel guilty and horrible and everything). I already told him that (if he agrees of course) as soon as we are in the same town again, I am going with him to a psychologist (I have already given him the number to call whenever he might feel like it, but he never has), to try that "road" as well, since it turns out antidepressant pills just aren't enough.
Apart from this, I have thought about contacting and talking to his parents. He's been telling me really deep stuff and I know that he's serious. But then I know that if he found out, he would lose even me as a confident or person who can be trusted or stuff, and that would destroy him even more.
So I really don't know what to do.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

There isn't anything you can do. You can be there for him, but make sure you don't just enable him. You can even be a little harsh with him. Tell him that it's on him to change his life, instead of being lazy and just complaining.

[searock]

Hmm I don't think that would work... it might actually make him feel even more guilty, useless and sick than he already thinks he is. It's too risky. But yeah I've been telling him in any possible way I could come up with that there IS a way out and death is NOT the only option. And that he has to keep strong for me and his family and all those who care for him, if not for himself (I've obviously started out saying he had to do it for himself, but he hates himself so much that he would actually see it as a reason more to die, even if only to punish himself). I've been trying anything, and it was actually working (I had managed to convince him to go to a psychologist, and that death wasn't the only way, etc). But since I told him about the guy I'm dating it's like everything's gone back to the worst it could get.

[vashti]

Let him do it. I mean it. Not everyone is emotionally equipped to handle life's ups and downs.

You might want to ask yourself what attracts you to friends with such deep psychological issues. Most people would back away. The fact that you don't is NOT a sign of your compassion, but rather a sign that you need to feel like a knight on a white horse, in my opinion. Why is that? Don't you find him to be exhausting? What do YOU get out of this friendship?

[searock]

He is a wonderful person. I love him. I don't need to "get" anything.

[devonbrown]

I understand what you said about not wanting to go to his parents because of him getting more upset. But if his parents can help, would you rather he be alive or your confident and him going through with it? Don't do that to yourself. Seriously, call the hotline and find out ways professionals suggest to do.

[vashti]

He is a wonderful person. I love him. I don't need to "get" anything.

Oh, trust me. You ARE getting something. You should try to figure out what that is.

[searock]

Oh, trust me. You ARE getting something. You should try to figure out what that is.

I really don't see how this could possibly help him.

devonbrown, I have talked to a psychologist about this situation and they just told me to convince him to go to a psychologist himself. I am really scared that if I got to his parents, he would lose the only person he feels he can trust. I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life if he killed himself and I hadn't tried that road. But on the other hand, it could turn into a reason itself for him to do it.

[devonbrown]

searock - You can't think that way. He doesn't need a "reason" to kill himself. There is no straw to break the camel's back. He is depressed and hurting and can not get himself out of it. If you can't get him to go to a psychologist yourself, then you need to bring in reinforcements to help get him there.

Again, do not take this all on yourself. That just hurts you and does nothing to help him. Ultimately he is responsible for his life. All you can do is lead him to the water, he has to drink.

[vashti]

I really don't see how this could possibly help him.

YOU can't help him. What makes you think that you can, when the professionals he is working with, along with the medications he is taking aren't helping?

You are in over your head.

[Wakeup]

Tell his parents what he said to you and suggest to his parents that they tell his shrink what he said to you as well. Then get yourself away from him and quit thinking that you can possibly do anything to stop him if he has his mind set on this. You can't help him by doing anything except relating to his family and doctor what he has hinted at. Then its up to his therapist to have him committed if they think he's a real harm to himself.

This is NOT your responsibility and as much as you love him as a friend you are not his keeper.

He is already assisted by a psychiatrist, has been since three years,

[searock]

YOU can't help him. What makes you think that you can, when the professionals he is working with, along with the medications he is taking aren't helping?

You are in over your head.

I don't care about being the one to help him I just don't want him to kill himself ok. I feel bad enough about this without you trying to make me feel like I'm selfish or stuff, please leave me alone if you don't have anything useful to say.

devonbrown, I think you're right. It's just that I would hate it if I were to cause him even MORE pain. He really seemed better, these past few weeks. He talked about next year, said it would've been difficult and all but he would've held on somehow. Besides he was sort of looking forward to the psychologist thing. I don't know why his parents, or his psychiatrist, haven't considered it (maybe they have, I don't know). I feel like I would be intruding in their family, while there are so many things that I don't know. I mean they must have their reasons. Besides if he found out it would be the end. Anything could go wrong and it's SO risky. I know he doesn't need a reason but it could be something like a "push" you know. I tried to contact him via e-mail again, now. If by tomorrow morning he hasn't replied, I'm going to call a hotline, or his parents.
Thank you so much.

[Wakeup]

I don't care about being the one to help him I just don't want him to kill himself ok.

What you're not understanding is it DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY... if he's that down deep into the dark then nothing you say or do will make him stop from doing it. He needs professional help and you should tell his parents what he said and then step away. You can't help him.

If by tomorrow morning he hasn't replied, I'm going to call a hotline, or his parents.

Tell his parents what he said now. Why would you wait any longer?