I want to get married – he wants to change the subject

[mspandaroo]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and things have become much more serious. I met his family, he met mine. We've gone on trips together and are both very much in love with each other.

We are both going to be 30 years old in a month and I'd like more of a commitment. We are not living together. I have my own place, he has roommates. He is very much committed to me, we talk everyday and every night when we don't see each other.

So this is the situation: he has a full-time job and he is an artist. He spends all of his free time working on his art, which we share together sometimes. He still wants to make it as an artist (writes music and makes films) and he sort of expressed that he will be giving up his dreams if he gets really serious and has kids.

Any advice here?

[VincenzoG91]

Cow, milk, free. You know that you want to get married and have kids. He doesn't want that. The two of you aren't really compatible because you have different fundamental values. See if you can get him to see that and get over his fear of commitment. If not, this is a dealbreaker, and you need to move on and find someone that shares your desire to settle down and start a family.

[cheekxs]

So thats the situation? what do you want us to do about it?
Its your life you need to deal with it.

And you are not saying what the problem is you are just informing us about your relationship.

So your problem!

[AdminOnline]

i wonder why he can't continue doing his art job while still able to have a small family..

[VincenzoG91]

i wonder why he can't continue doing his art job while still able to have a small family..

Maybe it doesn't pay well enough for him to support a family.

[Boisdevie]

Maybe he thinks that a year being together is too short a period of time to really know the other person?

[haxan]

For careers like that, the other half has to make the sacrifice and be the primary source of income until the other either has success, or pursues a more stable career path. Are you willing and capable of doing that?

[Cerby]

Maybe he thinks that a year being together is too short a period of time to really know the other person?

This is what I was thinking. I'm almost 30, my gf is 30, we've been together over a year, and we aren't talking marriage or kids. Why push this so early? Enjoy it, have fun with the relationship.

Set yourself a timeline as to the LONGEST you'll go without an engagement, then keep it to yourself. End it if the timeline passes.

[LoveSlice]

Well in all honesty the answer sadly is there in black and white for you. You know what to do. It may hurt but it's only been a year. You will meet someone who wants exactly what you want. Don't settle for someone who wants to go on a different path to the one you want to. Find someone to join you, on your adventure. who values you and isnt afraid of the commitment etc.
Before you make that decision though, you need to sit down, and talk to him. Go out for a meal, get a drink down his neck and then he will be more approachable. If he says, flat out NO, then you know exactly what to do.

[mspandaroo]

I think he is insecure about not making enough money working in art.

[mspandaroo]

Thanks for all of your insight. Him and I did talk and he said very clearly he had no doubt in his mind that he wants to be with me very long term. In the meantime I am going to not push anything too hard but also distance myself enough to not be afraid to be alone.

[VincenzoG91]

What about kids? Do you want kids? Does he want kids? There is no compromise to be had when it comes to kids, either you both want them, you both don't want kids, or you break up. If neither of you wants kids, then there shouldn't be any big rush to settle down and get married, because the biological clock wouldn't be relevant.

[dktotz]

I think both of you are not heading on the same direction. If things won’t really meet between the both of you; one should accept the situation.

[misombra]

i don't think he's asking too much to not want a family right now. he's happy with his life and wants to do his thing.

it will not behoove you to push him toward marriage and family.

[misserin]

I am an artist too (25) and I understand where he is coming from. Its not necessarily that he wont make enough money as an artist, its that as with many careers it can take up a lot of time and effort and this isn't really possible with a family in tow. You cant really 'stay late in the studio/office' with a young family waiting at home for you, not only may they resent you, you would start to feel guilty.

At 30, and only a year into the relationship, I really think you are moving very fast talking about babies/marriage.

Enjoy it! Let things happen as they happen.