Am i naive? Why can't i make up my mind? Am i just an a-hole who likes punishment?

[Mataactor]

This is my first posting:
My girlfriend and i are both 25 and have been together since December 08.

I have a girlfriend with issues. mommy issues, daddy issues, drinking issues, and personality issues. I love her.
With all of my heart. she loves me, with at least some of hers I think. She is bipolar, suffers from crippling depression
and anxiety, was diagnosed last year with borderline personality disorder, and is a semi-functioning alcoholic who
drinks more in a night than i do in almost a month. Almost three years ago, her mother commited suicide in the family
home. Her mother was, for years, a victim of an anxiety disorder that left her miserable and distant. We have been
together for almost a year and a half now and have been through our share of ups and downs. She has a tendancy to get
wasted with shady friends and then make out with them when I am not around. While it has happened multiple times
this last occurence was the most escalated and shocking of all. She went out with an old friend to the bar while I was
at work.They both got shitfaced and came back to our apartment where i was sleeping. Knowing her problems with alcohol and
judgement, I suspected there would be a problem. (Was I looking for an excuse to break up with her? I dont know.)
But when they arrived I stayed in bed and just listened.
What I heard cut into me like a rusty serrated knife. I could hear kissing sounds, moans and groans, and plenty of
fabric rustling (ie clothing and such being groped and rubbing against more clothing) around. They were making out on
MY couch in MY apartment. AFTER she had told me time and time again that BRAD was just a friend. That I had nothing to
worry about. I felt bad about not trusting her on this, after all--people have friends of the opposite sex who can STAY that
way. But this girl of mine is a horrible judge of character, especially when it comes to her male friends. After about 20
minutes of listening to the abomination in the next room, I pretended like I was going to get a drink of water. (This makes
me feel like a pussy, like I should have stormed out, beat the **** out of this BRAD, and kick him out of my home. But what
I suspected and later came to realize was true was that my girl was the one who started it all by kissing BRAD.) As soon as
I got out of the bed, I could hear a lot of movement on the couch and when i got to the doorway they were both "sleeping" on
opposite sides of the couch. When I moved closer to my girl i could see BRAD looking at me through the corner of one open
eye, which immediately closed as I moved closer. I asked my girl to come to bed, which she did. When she laid next to me
and tried to cuddle up, I asked her if she loved me. She said "yes, of course I love you."
15 minutes later, this friend, BRAD, promptly gathered his things and walked out the front door. Proving my theory that
he was just their to get an easy piece of ass--and NOT simply staying the night so he didnt have a long drive home like my girl
had told me. This is when I confronted my girlfriend about what had just happened. She was obviously too wasted to talk or
comprehend, or maybe she just didnt want to, and passed out almost immediately. for three long hours I brooded over what had
taken place in the apartment I LIVE in and rent with my GIRLFRIEND of over a year. I was angry, sad, depressed, dissapointed,
and overall enraged. When I decided i couldnt sleep, i woke her up to talk. after a few groggy minutes of me prodding
her with questions, she told me that she is "sorry" that she "is an idiot" and that "she loves me." there was no crying or
extreme show of emotion. the apology seemed sincere but it didnt carry the weight that i thought it should have. it was a
sleepy, resigned "woops" apology. not an apology that begs the question "will you please Please PLEASE forgive ME!" i do
not know what to do at this point. do i "man-up" and move on? throw away a relationship that is, at times, amazing, over a
lousy drunken kiss. if this was the first time it had happened, i wouldnt think twice about forgiving her. but this is the
3rd time this has happened to me while dating this girl and this time she brought it into MY HOME! a guy i've never met.
an old friend of hers she hasnt seen in years. a guy who obvioulsy just wanted to take advantage of my alcoholics'
weaknesses and who succeeded with flying colors.
the most ****ed up thing is that i don't believe it would have stopped with the kissing. if i had not come out of the
bedroom when i had, i imagine that clothes would have been coming off and sexual favors exchanged in less than an hour.
how do you come back from that? the third anniversary of her mothers suicide is coming up in a month as well as her mothers
birthday. last year, this was one of the roughest points in our relationship because all of her mental and drinking issues
increase ten-fold on this month. do i stick around and try to rebuild the trust? do i break up, be miserable, and move on?
i really feel for the girl and the shit she has been through in her life, and i dont want to just be the next thing she
fails at--i know there is a great person inside that shell of hers and i want to be part of it. but i realize that i have
to also think of myself and how she affects my life in both positive and negative ways. i need to think about my sanity.
what kind of guy gets walked all over by a girl who professes to love him, and then just continues on with the relationship
(even thought it pains him) after shit like THIS happens. I didnt realize dating a drunk would be this hard. this is the
third time this has happened. my left brain tells me to get out now while i can before things get worse and more painfull,
but my right brain tells me that i love this girl and that this behaviour is a side affect of the problems she has. part
of me feels like i should stay, part of me feels like i should go. i cannot make my mind up about what to do. i guess i
am waiting for a sign, really. i asked her to stay with a friend tonight so that i could have some alone time to think.
i want her to be away from me for awhile. i want her to realize there are consequences. and i want her to think about how
she REALLY feels about ME. and then i want her to come home and talk to me. i want to hear what she has to say, to gauge
her mental state and body language, to get a real feel for how she sees me and how she sees herself. i think only then will
i be able to make a decision about what to do. i love her. but i also need to love myself. i am not perfect, never have been
and never will be. i dont expect her to be perfect. we all make mistakes. but it is how we deal with those mistakes and
change ourselves to better our lives that makes us who we TRULY are.

[cmacattack1]

She is acting like a child. Pretending to sleep when she has him over in your apartment? Seriously? How old are we?

I'm not saying that she doesn't love you, but I think she seriously lacks any self awareness at all. She doesn't know how to treat you and yes she has issues, but they are reasons. Not excuses.

She has been disloyal to you and dishonest to you. Do you really believe this is how relationships are supposed to be? I know you cannot help who you are and you love her, but you do not deserve this kind of behavior. Allowing her to get away with it is allowing the problem to go bigger. Love does not conquer all and will not help you get through this much longer before you snap after holding it all in.

You have to drop her like a bad habit. It takes a harsh lesson to really get you thinking about yourself and more self aware.

[Mataactor]

The last thing I want is for this to get worse. I really want to believe that things will change. I am having her stay at a friends place tonight and I only hope she has something to say when we have our talk tomorrow night. I will post back with how things go and what I end up deciding to do.

[cmacattack1]

By all means, salvage what you can. She might be a good girlfriend for a little while but who knows how long it will last. As long as she still has you in her life, she does not really have to face the consequences of her actions. Not to mention, it shows you lack respect for yourself allowing this to occur. How can she respect you if you don't respect yourself?

Good luck with everything and I hope it goes well.

[QueenofCorona]

Dude, I don't know. She needs to help herself. I don't see any mention of her going to AA, I may have missed it but if she knows she has an alcohol abuse problem and she wants to make this work then she owes you that.

Look at it this way, she has been hurt in her life but does that give her a free pass to constantly hurt you time and time again? Thats not right. If you do stick with her you may want to consider Al Anon.

[Mataactor]

She was here when I woke up this morning. We talked about what happened and I read her your posts as well as a list I made of things I NEED to happen if this is to go any further. She agreed on the points I had come up with and also suggested that we visit her therapist together this month for a little couple counseling. The AlAnon idea is also a good one. She used to goto AA for about a year and has been through rehab a few times. She also admits to being a sex addict, but she truly believes that she can be better in our relationship. I think we are going to stick it out and re-evaluate where we are at in a week or two. A sort of probationary period, if you will. I want to give her this chance, even if it means I turn out to be the naive asshole in the end. I appreciate the advice and the comments that you both, CMAC and QUEEN, have posted and welcome any more ideas you may have. Here is the list of things that I told her I want/need:

--No more nights out with shady guy friends.
--Dont bring people over to OUR apartment that I dont know, I dont care if they are ****ing wasted and have to drive home to detroit!
--I need to trust you. you need to show me you are trustworthy.
--You need to take care of yourself without me having to pester you (ie take your ****ing pills! I am not your mom or dad or doctor, I am
NOT YOUR CONSCIENCE. Show me that you give a shit about yourself and, IN TURN, me.
--Remember your mistakes and use that knowledge to not make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
--Show me you are trying.
--SHOW me you love me instead of just telling me that you love me. Actions speak louder than words.
--Only say "I love you" when you mean it and look me in the eye so I know you are sincere. We have got to the point where saying
"I love you" doesnt seem to have meaning anymore (Like saying "Hello" or "Goodbye", it just seems reactionary at this point.)
--Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
--COMMUNICATE WITH ME (tell me if you are unhappy and why, tell me if you are happy and why, tell me if you are confused or
conflicted and why--express yourself rather than holding it in.)
--Tell me exactly how you feel and what you are thinking at all times, no matter what it is or how YOU think it will affect me. i
am a big boy and can tell you i would rather have the ugly truth than a sugar coated or glossed over idea of whats going on in
your head. if you hate me or for some reason on a particular day, if you're pissed at me, if you are feeling like you are
bored with me or life or yourself. JUST ****ING TALK TO ME.
--You ARE promiscuous, have been, and probably will always be. You are a sex addict. Recognize that and act
accordingly and with the knowledge that, in combination with alcohol and drugs, this is a weakness of yours that can be breached.
If you want to be that way, then be THAT WAY! Just TELL me what you want so I can do what I need to do.
--Recognize your strengths and weaknesses.
--Be Honest with me
--Be intimate with me [If you dont feel like being intimate with me, explain why (going a month without having sex or being intimate in any way
is not a normal thing for a couple our age and at this stage in our relationship)--i need to know why these things happen and
you arent being clear about your wants, needs, or feelings.
--Start going to AlAnon again?
--Visit the therapist as a couple

[VincenzoG91]

She has a lot of issues, and nobody can force her to deal with those issues if she doesn't want to.

You may have an issue, and this is something that you can deal with personally: you don't seem to think that you deserve to be with a decent, normal girlfriend. You're taking action now, but you should have done something serious after the first incident.

What you have described isn't a girlfriend who made a mistake, this is a woman who has an established pattern of bad behavior. This relationship has already been ruined by trust and respect issues. She doesn't respect you, and you don't trust her. Unless she starts getting treatment for her problems immediately, you should dump her.

[cmacattack1]

Vinny's right. If she doesn't want to face them, she won't. Your support, in a way, can be hurting you, by being there for her when she acts like this. Rewarding for bad behavior in a manner of speaking.

The scenario you are in basically has you invested and willing to fight for an unhealthy relationship, and it usually doesn't end good. People almost never realize what they are doing and just do a 180 degree turn like magic. They are too blinded when they are in the situation. I think it says alot about your feelings with all this thought and looking for advice to help you save this. I'm not telling you not to fight for it, if you really believe in this, by all means do so. How much are you willing to put up with before you lose your attraction to her?

I'm saying this as a shitty boyfriend in the past who got so comfortable and stubborn and stuck on his ways until I finally lost what I had and went through the realization process. It took losing what I had to really realize what I was doing wrong and how much growing up I needed to do. I think in your situation it's necessary but I don't know the right answer. It's just my experience..

[Gigabitch]

Maybe you're too close to this situation to see it for what it really is, which is quicksand. You're about to drown in quicksand.

I have some experience being involved with an addict. I loved him so much it affected my judgment, just like what's happening to you. I suggest you spend a day away, to yourself, someplace where you can think clearly. I used to go to the beach to clear my head. Print out this thread and try to read it objectively and ask yourself if there are any circumstances under which this guy should stay with this girl. I'm not talking about fantasy scenarios where she suddenly has an epiphany and changes herself. I'm talking about THIS girl who does THESE things.

Separate your love for her from your willingness to hold onto her so tightly as she goes farther down this destructive path. Believe me, she may love you, but she loves her bullshit more.

[Chazza2k]

Hey Mataactor,

From what you describe it sounds like your in an incrediably difficult possition right now stuck between being in a relationship and also trying to act as a sort of therapist too, constantly keeping an eye on her, not trusting her when she alone or goes into drinking mode? Remember the relationship should allow both give and take from you both but at the moment it sounds like shes taking everything and just putting you through pain. I think right now she is taking you for granted in this relationship, she knows how much you love her and for what ever reason she seems to want to push it as far she can by constantly seeing what she can get away with. Testing you. Ask yourself how much can you take of these tests?

I think its essential for her to seek treatment and start addressing the unlying problems she has, its sounds like you have done your very best for her but sometimes only expert help can get through and by what you say I believe she needs it. Keep in mind if she refuses to address the issues there is only so much you can do and without the help I'd expect here actions to just repeat over.

At the end of the day you have got to realise that your own happiness counts aswell as hers and no matter how much you love someone for someone to truely change they have to realise they need too and commit to doing whats necesserry.