Need Advice For A Young Life With A Painful Past

[Hermesake]

If you don’t like long stories than don’t read this one. I need someone that wants to pay attention to what I have to say.

Since I remember I have lived in fourteen different homes and attended nine different schools. My parents tend to move a lot for no reason at all. Well at least that’s what I think. Please if you have children listen to them if they don’t want to move. I will take a toll on their emotional stability when they get older. Ok back to the story. I always made friends with kids from school, but than I just moved and lost touch with them. It was not until I got to high school that I had my first best female friend. Mind you that I said female friend, not girlfriend because I have never had one. She was my friend girlfriend. The first months of school I would talk to her before school and during lunch. So I became very connected to her. I fell for her and one day I told her that I really liked her. She knew that I liked her and she even bought me a soda. She asked me to sit down and tell her who the girl that I liked was. So I told her “it‘s you.” She just nodded no and keep repeating no. It became awkward but we both got over it and did what we always did. Also once I kissed her and she just stood there and stared at me. It was just a touch of lips. Something that I consider my first kiss. I remember a party that I went to and she was there. I danced with her about four times and her boyfriend would just come and take her away. It was still fun being with her.

On December of 2007 I was going to a trip to my parents country. I remember that last day of school before winter break, she got out of her bus and gave me a kiss on both of my cheeks to say goodbye. It was the best feeling I have ever felt so far. When I came back, everything was so different. That's when things started going downhill for me. I wanted to talk to her like before, but her boyfriend was always around. They started spending more time than they usually did before I went on the trip. I got to admit I was jealous. That was during the morning so I still had time to talk to her during lunch. But that also went wrong. She started to spend time with this other guy. That she consider cute because she once told me in front of the other guy, that he was cute and I was just muscularly. I really did not get it, but that’s what she said.

I tried to get over her, so I started to think about this girl that I had met at my parents country. I decided that I would go back and visit her again since I had known her eight years before. I started obsessing over that other girl from my parents country. Remember this since I will talk about it again. I worked for two months and earned two thousand dollars to go over there to date her. The girl that I liked before, knew that I was going over there.

During the weekend me and my friends went to a water park. Her boyfriend was there too, since he was a very good friend to me. At the water park, he wanted her to ride on his back but she refused. Later she came and asked me if she could ride on my back. I was surprise why would she want to ride on my back and not her boyfriend. He came and took her once. Than she asked me again and that’s when her boyfriend came and told her to get off my back. He said it was getting weird. I still think that she did that just to get him jealous not much because she cared about me. Since before we got in the pool. A girl said that she was scared of swimming alone. So her boyfriend said I’ll swim with you and she probably got mad. The last day of school I was recording some friends and than she came with her boyfriend. Someone asked her what she wanted to say to me before I left on my trip. She started smiling at the camera and said “I hope it goes good for you…” and than suddenly stop and said; I wished the airplane that you’re in falls and crashes, with a smirk on her face. Imagine what I felt when I heard that coming from someone that I really cared about.

I went to my other trip and took the girl from my parents country on a date, if you can call it that. I thought I really liked her, but it turns out it was just an obsession. By the third time that I took her on a date I was totally bored of her. So I spent the remaining time, which was two months thinking about the girl back in the US. I though I was over her, apparently not.

So a new school year started just days after my arrival to the US. That same year I was going to move again, so it was already a bad start. I was so eager to see her. She arrived and I was standing with her boyfriend waiting for her. She came out of the bus and she looked even better than I remembered her. I hugged her and said hi. Than she went and hugged with her boyfriend so I just left. Later that year I was obsessing with her so much. That I would go home and feel depressed all the time. I still talked to her in the hallways. But no, I had to go ahead and ruin things. Another friend of mine told me to stop talking to her and than I will be able to forget about her. So I did and whenever she said hi I would just ignore her. Now that I think about it. It was really immature to do that. I was such a child. I hate myself for that. That same year I cut off all friendships to the group of friends I had. Just because it would be better to forget them once I moved to the new place. She was part of the group so it had something to do with it too. Also because both were always kissing and I could not stand it. I spent all year being a loner. Occasionally I saw her. Once at the lunch line she talked to me, and hit me on my chest in a playful way. I told her not to hit me. In a mad tone. She just looked at me. I had never talked to her like that. She said, no I won’t stop trying to fill the silence. Again I was immature about it since she was just being playful. But I was so full of anger and bitterness against her. I felt betray since she just blew me off when she started to spent more time with her boyfriend and that other kid. Another time I was in the line and I skipped in front of her since I thought she would be cool about it. That’s how it all started anyways. The day I made friends with her it was, when her and another friend of hers, asked if I would let them skip in line. Back to the story. When I skipped in front of her. What she told me is that I was behind her not in front of her. With a serious face. Than I heard her boyfriend say “you’re a bad girl”. You have no idea how much that annoy me.

A day after Michael Jackson died we moved. It was my seventeenth birthday, and I spent it on the road from Maryland to Texas. It was the most painful day of my life. I left the state that I had lived in for a decade. Most of my childhood and teens years. The only friends that I really had were left behind. The girl that I wanted so much was also left behind, that hurt me the most. My parents did not even remember my birthday. They never really cared about their kids emotions. So please if you have kids asks them before you move. Don't say to them that, you are the grown and you make the decisions. Make them be a part of your decisions because after all that's what a family should be.

I still think about her but not really about the other friends I had. Only her. A few days ago, she opened a Myspace account and I sent her a message saying how much I missed her, she did not respond. Later she sent me a message saying hi and I just returned it with “Merry Christmas.” She did not returned that either. On new year’s eve I sent her a message wishing her the best in her life and told her that she knew I always liked her. I ended it with goodbye, because I bowed to myself that day that I will start a new decade without obsessing over her. She later returned the message saying “thanks and have a happy new year too and take care with the girls in school.” I did not reply since I bowed to myself that I would do the best to forget her. I still wish she would send me something to start the friendship all over again. Even if is long distance. Since I am alone, all day long in my house. By the way I am home school so I have no one else to talk to. Except my brother, but were not those type of brothers that are really close to each other. Maybe that is why I still think of her because there is nobody else. Hopefully I will forget about her next year when I start my senior year in a public school. If not, I am thinking of going to her graduation and than asking her out to dinner. I really want to get all that I have kept inside, for three long years out, before I go to college. I want to tell her how much I have fantasize about her. How much I really want to be with her. We will both be 18. The only thing that scares me, is that this too might just be an obsession like I had with the girl from my parents country. Maybe none of this will happen, in such a short lifetime. She might even marry her high school sweetheart and live happily ever after. While I just rot in this hellhole that I am living in right now. Whatever, she's happy and I should not ruined that because I am living a miserable life for now.

Now here I am at my house. Just a few minutes ago I was sleeping but suddenly I woke up. It’s one of those time that the sun is brightly shinning outside. Instead of being out there, you're inside sleeping. I looked to my right and my mom was also sleeping on the other couch. It was so silent. I got filled with nostalgia remembering when I used to spend my day outside with friends at my school soccer team. When I used to spend my mornings, talking to the girl that I like so much. Or sitting down on the lunch room, chatting away while we ate. I tried to go back to sleep, but I was not able. The thoughts just rushed to my head and I almost cried. I got on my laptop and started typing this just to relive myself from my past. Is there was a pill that I could take, to forget all that I have ever lived? I would take it right away and start a new life again. Thanks for reading, if you read it all. It’s a bit too long but I feel that, that’s all I had to say. Thank You again.

[Wiredbomb0]

haha, I read through it all, and it's a very moving story. And I congratulate you on sharing it with us, I know for some people it's really hard to talk about such things.

"Is there was a pill that I could take, to forget all that I have ever lived?"

I'm afraid not, but a little bump to the head....

Just kidding!

If you were to forget what happened, you wouldn't be the same person you are now. A person is defined by their actions and experiences, and from the sounds of it, this is a pretty big experience. You learn from experiences, and so, they help us grow as a person. And so, next time, you'll be better prepared.

It's dangerous stuff, to like a girl that is already with someone, especially if that person is a friend of yours (trust me, I know, it can get pretty ugly actually). Just so you know, a friend of mine liked this girl, and when I met her, I started liking her. And eventually, we actually started going out (still am). So, in a way, I 'stole' my friend's 'girl' (although technically, they weren't actually going out, and I had even asked him if I could ask him (as a courtesy))

The only advice that I can give to you, would be to move forward. You can't dwell on the past, or else it holds you back from the future. "Keep moving forward". Find a new group of friends, look for a new girlfriend and think about the future. And try not to hold a grudge/be angry at her or her boyfreind; that will just make things worse.

I wish you the best of luck Hermesake!

-Wired