Advice needed on Long Term Relationship

[chris7781uk]

Hi, I'd really appreciate some advice on this one;

I fell in love with my girlfriend around 18 months ago when she lived in the UK. She then moved back to her home country, USA after spending around 6 months with her. She had to move back because it was just out of her hands and she had no choice really. At the time i was in no position to follow her, i had a good job, but financially i simply couldn't do it. So even though we kept in touch via email and the occasional phone call, eventually, we knew we would find other partners, which we did. Since maybe January of this year, we come to find out that we had both finished with our partners, and are now single. I had planned a road trip across the US with some friends,and we decided that i'd go see her at the end of the trip for two weeks....

As soon as she opened the door to me, all those feelings came rushing back, and we went on to have the best time either of us have ever had. We fell 'back' in love immediately and within a matter of days professed our love, and our desire to see each other again. I have since returned to the UK, and now miss her so much its actually making me feel sick. I've never felt this way about someone, and i know that deep down she is the one I want in my life forever.

Here's my dilemma. I want to move to the US to be with her, but the only way i can get a visa would be to marry her. She has a great job and has only recently started her new life in a new city, so i don't want her to move to the UK and start up all over again, although she has said she wants to. She has also said she doesn't want to get married just to get a visa, which i can totally understand, as i would be marrying her for her, not for a visa. So right now 'im tearing my hair out as i just cant see how were gonna be happy? Should i just continue the long distance relationship for as long as i can, then maybe propose? Should i ask her to move to the UK where she'd have to start up all over again, and if it doesn't work out as well as she has it now, would she resent me for it? Should i save up as much money as i can so if i do propose we can get married straight away? I really don't know what to do. All i know is that i really love her, and want to be with her, i'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this position before, and if so, could possibly offer me some advice?

Thank you

[cmacattack1]

Man, I don't know what to tell you. I've never felt this way about anybody before in my life, and part of me wants to really root for you and tell you to go for it and marry and propose to her and all that. However, logically, you guys just can't work out. One of you would have to rearrange your life for the other, and if it didn't work out, there would be so much baggage from the lost time to the lost job opportunities, not to mention all the hurt feelings involved. So you guys spent a couple weeks together and fell back in love and everything is great and dandy. Many of us (I think all of us) have a nice honeymoon period where no matter what they do, we find how cute and funny and lovely it is. Spending a good amount of time after that will tell you where you stand and if you guys are actually compatible. You were on vacation with somebody you are having fun and exciting times with, of course everything would seem perfect.Jumping into marriage is a very romantic idea but there are so many pitfalls involved. It isn't your only solution and I don't think it's something you should do this quickly.

Take your time, take it slow and enjoy your time together. Which isn't possible currently right now. If you are serious about this, get a visa and spend some time with her in the States. Find a job preferably beforehand, and try things out without taking it to the marriage arena. Just because you are married, doesn't mean you guys will work out. Sorry if it puts a damper on your parade. It's a chance that you should take to see where it goes. If you can get a year together, see where you stand after that year. Take this one step at a time.

I say this because while you are in control of what you do, you aren't in control of what she will do, how she will feel, what will happen to her in the future. Even if you are still in love, she might not be and it takes two for it to work. Build something more substantial with her before you propose. Please.

[Riyko]

Wow, long distance relationships are hard and if you are willing to work on it then it will work out. My boyfriend and I are now Long Distance only because once I graduated college I had to come back to the states at the end of April 2010 and it sucks, i'm going to see him for two weeks next week because it's our 3 year anniversary. We haven't seen each other for over a month now and it's hard, but we want it to work out so we are trying and trying to find a way to get to be together again. So I say go for it for now because even if it doesn't work out at least you gave it a try.

Now on the visa part, you could get a student visa and go to a university in the city she lives in and you'll be able to be together that way and it's also kind of nice because if it doesn't work out between you two once your done with school you can go back to your home country. Also please do not marry her to get a visa, I've seen it a couple of times with some of my Canadian friends and it only worked out with one and they are still together the other 2 got divorced and the ones with the spouse visa got sent back to their home countries because the government found out they got divorced (through a surprise check).

[chris7781uk]

Thanks for your replies guys,

Riyko, i like your reply the best, haha, try it, you only live once! But cmackattack, i know where your coming from. And we've talked about it and decided to take it slow, give it at least 6-10 months before deciding on anything like moving country. As much as i want to be with her i could never ask her to drop everything and come and live over here. And although i know it'll be a hard thing to do, but im pretty sure we could be strong enough to make it through it all, i mean, we've already waited nearly two years for this to happen, so im sure another 6 months wont hurt. Plus im gonna try and get out there at least twice before christmas, and she'll be coming over to stay with my family then at christmas, so hopefully we'll have what it takes to survive until we can take it to the next step. I think its coz i have good days and bad days, sometimes im really positive about it all, and the other times i worry that i might lose her if i dont strike now. But i suppose it all comes down that saying, if its meant to be, its meant to be.

[OCEANNE]

I have to say, based on my own experience...to just go be with her....You can decide later where to settle down. For now, instinctively, you want to go to US. Yes...there are always risks involved. So what, you will always have to regret tomorrow. But what's more painful than "should'ves and could'ves"?

[RdHrshyKss]

Thanks for your replies guys,

Riyko, i like your reply the best, haha, try it, you only live once! But cmackattack, i know where your coming from. And we've talked about it and decided to take it slow, give it at least 6-10 months before deciding on anything like moving country. As much as i want to be with her i could never ask her to drop everything and come and live over here. And although i know it'll be a hard thing to do, but im pretty sure we could be strong enough to make it through it all, i mean, we've already waited nearly two years for this to happen, so im sure another 6 months wont hurt. Plus im gonna try and get out there at least twice before christmas, and she'll be coming over to stay with my family then at christmas, so hopefully we'll have what it takes to survive until we can take it to the next step. I think its coz i have good days and bad days, sometimes im really positive about it all, and the other times i worry that i might lose her if i dont strike now. But i suppose it all comes down that saying, if its meant to be, its meant to be.

i think your attitude is in the right place. take things slow and try to make it work that way, don't rush into anything because there is the possibility that it won't turn out as you hoped it would. test the waters, a year long distance is not necessarily a killer. many people can do it. my guy friend in high school dated a girl long distance for 8 years. he went to college in nyc and she went to school in virginia, when they graduated they got married. yes, maybe they are a very rare case, but i like to think positive and if it's meant to be it will be. rushing is the last thing you want to do. it might be really tempting because you miss her, but keep your cool. try things out long distance for a year and if you guys are still really hot for each other and want to try to make it work, then start looking at job options in the US or for her in the UK. the best of luck to both of you!