Am I impatient or insane?

[InLoveTrouble]

So, bare with me as this is my first post on here and is also a subject I take to heart, but I'll try to make it quick...

I have this problem with my fiancé of 11 months now. I had met his as a "fling" if you want to call it that about 7 years ago, in which I have been married and divorced since. I ran into him when I moved back home during the divorce and we spent a lot of time together and kind of picked up where we left off so long ago. He was great in bed and didn't have trouble asking and getting from each other what we needed and wanted sexually. As time has went on, I find myself feeling the same way I did 7 years ago, but he seems to have lost his drive, he can't keep up, won't initiate, but when he does it's on his own terms while I sit back and wait so long for him to decide when he's ready.

It kind of made me feel like in the past that I couldn't trust him because I always said that if he don't give it at home, where is he giving it? But, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he has never done me wrong. Now, he has this thing where he expresses the love and I get carried away on those 30 minutes of glorious sex and he's wonderful, don't get me wrong, but, I feel like it should last longer, have "more to it" and be different everytime. I've mentioned trying new things, sharing ideas that worked for me in the past and maybe giving a hint that foreplay isn't a bad thing. He may have went down on me 3 tes in almost a year and he has a great talent when it comes to that, but once again it's over all too quickly for me.

So, that's not all the detail, but I will cut off there and get advice for this, then I'll move on to bigger and not so much better problems. It just makes me angry when I feel like we have to plan when to have sex and when he says "later" does that mean tonight or a week from now? I am sooo confused!

My overly active sex drive is going to kill me unless I find something that will fix this problem, because later always gets me disappointed Help me anyone???

[Gigabitch]

I don't think your sex drive sounds overactive. You're not hounding him for it three times a day. He's the one who isn't interested.

This is a dealbreaker for some people. It would be for me. You haven't been together long enough to get lukewarm, and if this is any indication of where you're headed, maybe you shouldn't go there.

[ftm]

30 minutes of glorious of sex? Is this typical, or only some of the time?

Either way, your sex drive does NOT sound overactive. He's gone down on you three times in a year? That's not cool. Not cool at all. Many people would give a lot to be with someone with as active a libido as yours. (Myself included.) I can say from personal experience that there are few things lonelier than not getting anywhere close to the sex that you want.

This is a serious issue that you should find a way to work out of BEFORE you marry. Try bringing it up in a way that makes it sound like you want to try new things for BOTH of you (which, in a way, you do). Avoid criticizing his lovemaking -- work on positive reinforcement. If he has trouble keeping an erection (which you alluded to in your post) pointing it out as a shortcoming will not make the problem go away, as performance anxiety can make the problem worse.

Have YOU tried suggesting something different, maybe to light his spark? Come onto him in the kitchen, for example, or on the living room floor in the middle of the day, something he wouldn't expect, and where there's no built-up expectation. Guys (or, at least, most guys) love that kind of stuff.

What is going on in his professional life? Confidence can be a big player in a guy's sex drive. Has he been having problems at work? Changed jobs or incomes recently? Experienced a loss in the family?

In the end, there's only so much you can do. He has to recognize it's a big issue for you and take responsibility for fixing his end of things. That includes enough foreplay to get you going. That includes occasionally moving outside of a comfort zone.

[InLoveTrouble]

I have never criticized his lovemaking especially when it's not happening too often. His professional field would play part in it sometimes. He is in law enforcement and I know that has a lot to do with him being emotionless. He cares nothing about what happens to inmates in which he calls "babysitting" all day. I know there's a lot more to his job that he doesn't talk about, just for the fact he worries every day when he goes to work whether or not he will be able to return home after his 12 hr shift. Not to mention, they hardly ever get a 30 minute break that is already taken out of his income whether he takes one or not. I know for him it is emotionally and physically draining and that's why when I try so hard to understand what he goes through, to keep my hands and thoughts to myself.

The subject of "spicing" things up has been brought up many times, but as you mentioned, we shouldn't even be lukewarm yet. I know it has to do with, maybe what I was used to when I was married previously and what me and my ex were into. He's commented before on how he was sorry he wasn't as "into" sex as he was or as open minded as I like. As far as catching him in the kitchen, or jumping in the shower with him? I've tried getting him to take a walk down to the pond behind the house for an afternoon delight, but it's too cold outside (70 degrees and humid)...tried sitting in his lap spontaneously, I'm in the way so he can't see the tv...put on lingerie and called him to the bedroom, he let's out a snicker and walks back to the living room to watch tv...ask him to take a shower with me, he says he's on his way and never shows...so, yeah I've tried just about everything I know to do.

Sex is not the best subject to bring up to him. But, as far as going down on me, that's only because I ask. Foreplay's not really the thing he's best at. I try to do things to put penetration off, but it never works. He's always in a damn hurry for....yes, the always 30 minutes that he lasts. I try to enjoy it while I can, but can't seem to get an orgasm too much anymore due to the fact I'm thinking about all kinds of other things like what I'm doing wrong and what I could do to help him last longer. I suggested he slows down a little when he feels it coming on, but he says it starts to hurt. Which that may be true, I don't know, but honestly think it's bs. Is it or not? Does it start to hurt?

Last but not least, I have been told there are plenty of guys out there that, which I am aware of, but I also love this guy and have already decided that I'm not getting married in June. I have told him and he seems to be ok with it. He's never been married and was pretty much, no offense to any guy...but he was a whore dog between te time we met 8 yrs ago and when we got back together again. So, why was he all for it then and not now? Because he knows I'm not going anywhere or it's there wherever and whenever he wants it?

Like I said, I'm confused and seeked professional help and everyone just has a different opinion. Only I can make the call, but I'm asking for advice before I do so. I love him with ally heart and have even thought about cheating but I messed up a perfectly good marriage previously and that life lesson has kept me here. Waiting patiently for the next time he might want me...???

[vashti]

It's normal for a man's sex drive to diminish as he ages. I don't know how old you guys are, but he could also have some medical issues (high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.) that could be contributing. Also, a lot of law enforcement personnel are taking anti-depressants, which frequently have an impact on sex drive.

[InLoveTrouble]

He is completely healthy as far as other issues causing problems. But, I honestly don't think it's his age. He's a healthy 33 yr old and I am 27...I even mentioned for him to be seen about it, but of course every guy i've ever heard talk about it is too stubborn to get checked. It seems more if a lack of desire than anything. He's waytoo young to have dropped off already, isn't he?

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, way too young, in my opinion.

If you marry him, you're in for a life of deprivation.

[vashti]

A male's sex drive peaks in his early to mid 20s, and declines from that peak over time, although the rate of the decline varies a lot.

I agree with Giga that if you two aren't sexually compatible, you should expect to continue feeling as you do right now.

Does he drink alcohol or smoke? (most law enforcement people I know drink quite heavily, and that doesn't help the sex drive.)

Has he had a physical exam recently?

[Incognito]

I can understand that you don't want to leave or cheat because of your feelings for him, but if you aren't going to get married anymore where is this headed? You're presumably not getting married because of this sexual issue, but this issue isn't simply disappearing, so are you content to simply be in relationship limbo while not having yourself sexually satisfied? Look, you aren't married now, so there isn't any foul for breaking off the engagement. Yes, it always hurts when a relationship ends (sometimes even when its a terrible relationship), but believe me this isn't something that you want to be dealing with in your marriage. He says he'll have sex and doesn't come into the room, laughs at your lingere and walks out to watch TV, complains when you sit on his lap because he cannot see the TV!?!?!? I am not trying to talk down about every person in law enforcement because they are a necessary evil in our society, but many of them have horrible relationships because of the emotional disconnect that they have to keep up at work. Many males involved in law enforcement are either depressed, overly stressed, or abusive when they return home. Its not always their fault that they become that way, but it is what it is. All of these factors tell me that you should see if he'd be willing to change (on a long term basis) and if not then you should move on. Look at it this way, if you stay and he isn't willing to change you're either going to be miserable or you'll cheat.

[InLoveTrouble]

He is a smoker as most are that are in law enforcement or any other really stressful job. I have one of those myself. I understand md the consequences of staying in this relationship and I know without a doubt that I REFUSE to cheat. I've been there before and it always ends...period! Whether he cheats or she cheats...with that being said, I think it's just time for a new profession. He has done this for about 5 yrs and it is very emotionally stressing for me. I can only I'magine what he goes through and no break to even think about the outside world when he needs it most. What kind of abuse are we talking about here? He is really supportive when I need it. He is compassionate and a very kind person and always has been.

I have thought about how hard it would be deprived through the years, but how is it any different than it is now? I've mentioned both of us getting back into shape, stop smoking and see if we both don't feel better. I've already dropped 45 lbs and was pretty strict on my diet. He talks about it all the time but does not have the strong self will motivation he needs. He stays up til 2 or 3 am on his days off and usually at least 12 or 1 am when he knows he works the next day an that's him having to get up at 445 am to get ready. I spoil him and make his lunch and make sure his clothes are laid out while he is showering and such. I believe he doesn't think I can go anywhere.

I have made the comment before and I shouldn't have but I got so frustrated that it came down to me saying that if he wouldn't take care of me, someone would. I've reassured him I would never cheat and I have a way better self will than he does. I surely don't want another divorce and put lots of deep thought into this. Just wondered if this was normal for a girl to say to someone that is either unwilling or uninterested in keeping up??

[Incognito]

Ok, a few suggestions then. 1. Have him do the Atkin's diet. I used to weight 280 lbs, but knock off 100 lbs in 6 months with no excercise. If you want more details just PM me. 2. Since you're not getting what you need stop waiting on him hand and foot. That is reserved for people who are taking care of business. 3. If you are going to give him a chance to change DO NOT get married until you are convinced that the change is permanent. Since cheating is not an option for you (and I applaud your conviction regarding that matter) you simply need to move on if he doesn't take proactive steps to change.

As far as spousal abuse by law enforcement personell it varies anywhere from emotional, to verbal, to physical. The problem with the later is that if someone IN law enforcement is abusing you who do you call?

Just wondered if this was normal for a girl to say to someone that is either unwilling or uninterested in keeping up??

I'd say that is normal. Everyone should speak up when they aren't being satisfied by their partner. You are stating that there is a problem and trying to remedy it. That is not only normal, its proactive.

[InLoveTrouble]

I have dropped a total of 120 in the last few years. I was almost 270 and dropped to 150ish just by cutting out starches but being born and raise in the south, it's pretty hard for us to do that. Lol

on a more serious note, I can say he is not an abusive person in any way. Never said anything without assuring me he was joking. I love his sense of humor and it's things like that that keep me going. He has told me nit to let sex rule my life, to let it come naturally. I had no idea how to even respond to that.

I also have no idea what IM you are talking about...

[InLoveTrouble]

Found it..can only IM staff with less than 15 posts

[Incognito]

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Once you have 15 posts you can PM others.

[vashti]

Overweight people usually have hypertension, and hypertension makes it more difficult to achieve an erection. Fatigue and stress also won't help.

just sayin'......