Need help falling out of Love

[jamestl2]

Hello everyone, this is my first post. I know that I don’t want to continue to feel this way, and I don’t know what else to do. Unrequited love is the WORST feeling in the world.

Here’s the story:

It started last school year at the beginning of the fall semester; she was in one of my classes. On the SECOND day of classes, she began to sit next to me every day, flirting, talking to each other, sharing class work. She even gave me her email address within the second week. She told me almost everything about herself, her favorite foods, her family, etc. We even met outside of class often, such as in the library, or cafeteria, etc. She did like to copy my work a few times, always preferred to work with me over other classmates for some reason. She sat next to me virtually EVERY day of the semester. This was he first girl who ever really paid much attention to me, or *seemed* interested in me.

I did ask her out a few times, but she always had an excuse, for example most of the time she had to work. When this happened I thought she may have been playing hard to get or something, I wasn’t sure. She even asked me out once, but it was right before I had an exam, so I think she may have been joking around about it.

After about three months or so in, is when it hit me, I asked her directly about who this one guy is, and it turned out to be her boyfriend. She mentioned his name once or twice, but NEVER mentioned that she was in a relationship with him, ever, until I asked her about him. I was devastated about it, but I didn’t really try to let it show, or bother me. I knew that was when I should have tried to stop liking her, but for some reason I didn’t.

About two weeks or so later, I spilled my guts to her trying to explain everything, and I was direct with her about my feelings, but she didn’t want to hear it and wanted to pretend like it never happened. I probably shouldn’t have, as I respected the fact that she was in a relationship with someone else, but it was eating me up inside. So after that, I decided I would still try to be friends with her, thinking to myself I could just forget about the feelings I had.

Spring semester then rolled around, and we didn’t really see much of each other as often, a few times here and there. We still enrolled in the same class, but it was scheduled at different times of the day. Whenever we did see each other she usually asked me for answers to the test (My class was a few hours before hers.), or just a few things in general, what to expect in class that day, etc.

Probably about half way into spring semester, I told her I had to cut off all communication from her, after I tried remaining just friends with her, but it wasn’t working out very well for me, as I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

We didn’t talk or see each other for a few months. Then, about a few weeks before exams started, (it seemed random to me) she approached me in the library, wanting to talk to me (I don’t know why), it took me completely by surprise. It was the basic, “how’ve you been?” conversation.

A few days after that I emailed her, telling her things couldn’t go back to normal, and asked her if she had feelings for me (How was I suppose to know if she was still with him or not). She insulted me and told me she never wanted to hear from me again, so I wrote her a “final good-bye” email (I was angry in it at the time.) and she seemed shocked like she did nothing wrong, and that I could say things like that. We then reconciled and cleared the air about everything, while agreeing we would just end all contact with each other once and for all would be best, and she even told me she got married to her boyfriend (yeah, *now* she tells me). After that we have never seen or heard each other since.


Since then, I still think about her, despite the fact I don’t want to. I have tried journaling my thoughts, which didn’t help; it didn’t seem to make much of a difference. I can’t really afford professional help, I’m in college. My focus has also been largely, towards my business, spending a great amount of time and energy on it, but somehow she still finds a way to lurk into and invade my thoughts.

I’ve also tried thinking about other women, but then again, I start to think that I don’t want to cause them any similar harm, I’d feel like I’d just be using them to get over her, and I don’t want to put anyone through that kind of pain. Plus, I do not exactly have the most social skills in the world.

Also: I’m only 20, who’s never really been with anyone before, and I believe I may not really know the difference between love and infatuation, so I may be using the term "love" prematurely.

I think I may be becoming (or already am) depressed. I don’t find humor in things I used to. I don’t have as much of an appetite as before. I find myself not enjoying games I used to like, not caring about things I used to, etc. So if anyone has advice on what to do, I’d greatly appreciate it.

[DoesntMatter]

I’ve also tried thinking about other women, but then again, I start to think that I don’t want to cause them any similar harm, I’d feel like I’d just be using them to get over her, and I don’t want to put anyone through that kind of pain. Plus, I do not exactly have the most social skills in the world.

Also: I’m only 20, who’s never really been with anyone before, and I believe I may not really know the difference between love and infatuation, so I may be using the term "love" prematurely.

I think I may be becoming (or already am) depressed. I don’t find humor in things I used to. I don’t have as much of an appetite as before. I find myself not enjoying games I used to like, not caring about things I used to, etc. So if anyone has advice on what to do, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Who cares if you cause other women "harm"? Look at the harm they caused you. Besides, if anyone decides to enter a relationship with you, that's THEIR move.

Just don't focus on any one girl. Every girl is an opportunity. I know this is easier said than done, I've had infatuations before. It's something you can learn to overcome though.

If anything you might be coming down with some short-term feelings of the blues. I've been depressed since about the 6th grade long before even thinking about relationships, it's something that happens for no reason other than poor brain chemistry. So unless you've been depressed your while life, this will probably only be a phase, maybe a few months or a couple years.

[IndiReloaded]

I think journalling is of limited benefit. Fine for getting out the initial feelings, but it can prolong the healing process, IMO.

I think love is a lot like pain. When you stub your foot & have a headache, you can only really feel the one that has more of your attention. If you find someone else to focus on, you'll start to feel better. Go out & date again. 20 is too young to be depressed.

[jamestl2]

Thanks for the responses so far

Who cares if you cause other women "harm"? Look at the harm they caused you. Besides, if anyone decides to enter a relationship with you, that's THEIR move.

Just don't focus on any one girl. Every girl is an opportunity. I know this is easier said than done, I've had infatuations before. It's something you can learn to overcome though.

Other women haven’t really caused me harm.
I *want* to think about other women, but for some reason, my feelings just aren’t going away. It does definitely sound harder to do, as I don’t have any experience in this sort of field.

Also, I tend to get paranoid, thinking that that those girls will also have boyfriends, and my confidence drops even more considerably than whatever it was at before (which probably wasn't that high to begin with).

If anything you might be coming down with some short-term feelings of the blues. I've been depressed since about the 6th grade long before even thinking about relationships, it's something that happens for no reason other than poor brain chemistry. So unless you've been depressed your while life, this will probably only be a phase, maybe a few months or a couple years.

Yeah, I haven’t felt down in the long-term, just when the reality hit me and all my dreams of being in love with her, marrying her, doing everything with her, etc. evaporated like smoke.

I think journalling is of limited benefit. Fine for getting out the initial feelings, but it can prolong the healing process, IMO.

Originally, I didn’t think it would help either (and it didn’t), but others gave me advice that it might help.

Go out & date again. 20 is too young to be depressed.

I never have been on a date before (despite asking her out, if that counts for anything).

[ExpoNovak]

Okay look, this girl was using you to improve her grades. She maintained a friendly rapport with you above and beyond asking for answers because it helped her "cover" that she wasn't a lousy bitch who just wanted test question answers. To me, this means she is stupid and stupid women aren't good for anything but @#&* and a laugh.

That being said, identify just what it is you want in a girl. You did NOT know this woman well enough to truly love her. The parts of her you know are negative! Don't let yourself be used.

Why is it that you have never really been out before? Are you painfully shy? Think you are unattractive? Have nothing to say? Can't meet women? Whatever your issue there are ways around it.

Pursue happiness to the DEATH and this chick is NOT it.

[jamestl2]

She even told me:

But NO instead you write love letters to a
woman you barely know aside from russian and very general conversation. Perfect
example of this is how coldhearted you have painted me out to be in your head. I
hope that this helps you in future relationships because as far as I am
concerned I was very nice to you.

I told her I didn’t think I was writing her “love letters”.
The part about barely knowing her, I thought was a lie, but for some reason I didn’t bring it up.

She also said to me:

Please for your sake make sure when you develop feelings for
someone who has generally been kind to you dont push them away by blaming your
problems on them.

I don’t really know what she meant here. I mean what was I suppose to do when I felt that way? The only time I really “pushed her away” was when I told her I couldn’t take not being with her, but didn’t want to interfere in her current relationship, so I had to end all contact with her, even after trying to remain “just friends”. What’s so wrong with that?

If I could have some interpretation here, I’d appreciate it.

Okay look, this girl was using you to improve her grades. She maintained a friendly rapport with you above and beyond asking for answers because it helped her "cover" that she wasn't a lousy bitch who just wanted test question answers. To me, this means she is stupid and stupid women aren't good for anything but @#&* and a laugh.

We did talk about a lot of other stuff too, besides schoolwork.

That being said, identify just what it is you want in a girl. You did NOT know this woman well enough to truly love her. The parts of her you know are negative! Don't let yourself be used.

While not knowing her enough is probably true, like I said before, I knew her better than most people I knew, or, at least I thought I did.

Why is it that you have never really been out before? Are you painfully shy? Think you are unattractive? Have nothing to say? Can't meet women? Whatever your issue there are ways around it.

It is a combination of those points you mentioned. Mostly by the part of probably having “nothing to say”.

[Gigabitch]

I think she treated you like an accessory. You were a handbag. No, you were a manbag!

Anyway, you need to make a decision now. Think of this whole fiasco as a ship that's going down. It's not too late to get off and save yourself, but for some reason, you're clinging to the railing.

Knock it off. Get off the sinking ship and go rejoin the Living. Don't give me that crap about how you can't date because you wouldn't want to use someone to get over her. Do you think all the girls in the ten square miles around you are completely baggage-free? No way. Nobody is. Everybody shows up with some history, but not everyone uses it as an excuse to be miserable forever.

Go try to find a decent girl. You might even succeed.

[jamestl2]

Despite everyone here telling me that she used me, wanting a better grade, etc. I’m still not convinced for some bizarre reason that she would be capable of it. She did tell me she was sorry that she may have caused me harm (even though she didn’t believe she did), and has said that she’s this close with many people.

I *know* I can’t be with her, and anything that may have been between us more than past dead, but at the same time I keep thinking about her but don’t want to, it’s hard to explain.

Anyway, you need to make a decision now. Think of this whole fiasco as a ship that's going down. It's not too late to get off and save yourself, but for some reason, you're clinging to the railing.

Not sure what *decision* I’m suppose to make, are you referring to a decision inside my head, an external obstacle, or what?

Knock it off. Get off the sinking ship and go rejoin the Living. Don't give me that crap about how you can't date because you wouldn't want to use someone to get over her. Do you think all the girls in the ten square miles around you are completely baggage-free? No way. Nobody is. Everybody shows up with some history, but not everyone uses it as an excuse to be miserable forever.

Go try to find a decent girl. You might even succeed.

I’m not saying I *would* be using them to get over her, but it does feel that way. Plus, as mentioned above,

Originally Posted by ExpoNovak
Why is it that you have never really been out before? Are you painfully shy? Think you are unattractive? Have nothing to say? Can't meet women? Whatever your issue there are ways around it.
It is a combination of those points you mentioned. Mostly by the part of probably having “nothing to say”.

Meeting other girls is like “getting teeth pulled” to me, very hard and I’m not a natural at it.

[Vain]

Falling out of love takes patience and self preservation. Meaning you need to try and retain who you are. Try your hardest to learn from the experience if possible and retain who you truly are or want to become. Make time for yourself, try and figure out exactly what you want to do when you have free time and do it. Also, attempt to think of all the positives in your life even if there may not seem to be many. Breakups are not easy especially when your deeply in love with someone but hang in there man. You will get through it.

[jamestl2]

Falling out of love takes patience and self preservation. Meaning you need to try and retain who you are. Try your hardest to learn from the experience if possible and retain who you truly are or want to become. Make time for yourself, try and figure out exactly what you want to do when you have free time and do it. Also, attempt to think of all the positives in your life even if there may not seem to be many. Breakups are not easy especially when your deeply in love with someone but hang in there man. You will get through it.

Thanks for the advice, but how much longer am I suppose to wait to move on? It started almost exactly a year ago, and I haven't spoken, communicated, etc. to her in over four months.

You must understand, I really don't want to continue thinking about her, but she's on my mind practically every day, despite trying to think about other girls.

Also, I never technically went out with her, so it really isn't a "breakup".

[IndiReloaded]

The reason you keep thinking about her is because *you keep thinking about her*. Have you noticed that the ONLY thread you have posted in here is your own??

Try to focus on something other than your own problem. When you do that, you'll notice a couple things: 1) you forget about your own for a while, and 2) you come to realize other ppl have problems that often make yours seem common or insignificant.

Not saying what you feel isn't real, just that you lack perspective. To answer another thread, Love isn't who YOU are, its just an experience. Experience comes & goes, but who you are remains. Go and blow your mind thinking about that for something completely different.

[Sensetive]

You could =)

[jamestl2]

You could try hypnotherapy

youtube.com/watch?v=5d-LlxZv7io

I have purchased this however i havent used it properly so i couldn't tell you how good it works, but theres a lot of good feedback on the hypnotherapist and hypnotherapy in general =)

Thanks, I’ll check it out

The reason you keep thinking about her is because *you keep thinking about her*. Have you noticed that the ONLY thread you have posted in here is your own??

You think I don’t realize that?? What difference does it make that this is the only thread I posted in? That’s why I joined this forum, to find help concerning my problem. I hardly feel qualified to give other people advice on this forum about their relationships, concerns, etc.

Try to focus on something other than your own problem. When you do that, you'll notice a couple things: 1) you forget about your own for a while, and 2) you come to realize other ppl have problems that often make yours seem common or insignificant.

I do have other things going on. I own and operate my own web site, I’m a full time college student, I play the guitar (on a few occasions), also post in other forums on the net, and yet (for whatever reason) I still think about her.

Not saying what you feel isn't real, just that you lack perspective. To answer another thread, Love isn't who YOU are, its just an experience. Experience comes & goes, but who you are remains. Go and blow your mind thinking about that for something completely different.

Like I said before in my first post, I’m not sure if I’m in love with her or not (because I do realize I’m still young, and haven’t really “experienced” it yet), but there are still strong feelings that are difficult to describe.

And I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying I should “blow my mind on”, the concept of love? Who *I* really am? Or what?

[Vain]

It can take awhile and sure you can't forget someone if they were considered a big part of your life or if they were important to you. Just like I will never forget my first friend and how I met him. Or how crazy I used to be in high school. Never think of the problem only think of the solution. If she is on your mind constantly try as hard as you can to think of other stuff or to distract your mind in the least. Your priority should be concentrating on your present life rather than your past as hard as it is.

[Gigabitch]

This makes me want to set you up on a date with somebody. Anybody. She's still holding the position of "the girl" for you. Put somebody else in that position. It doesn't have to be the perfect girl, and you won't have to be sucked into another emotional whirlpool, either, but it might help put her in better perspective.