On fence about breakup

[kurtstephen]

Hi everyone, I recently decided to turn towards the online community for advice so here goes:

I'm a 23 year old male who has recently become absolutely terrified of getting older. I'm sure this is probably normal, but it's something I tend to obsess over. Recently, this state of mind has leaked over to my relationship because I am starting to feel loads of pressure from her to move in together and eventually get married sometime in the next few years. She is 2 years younger than me and we've been dating for nearly 4 years now. She is also the ONLY girl I've ever dated or had sex with.

I do not feel like the same person I was when we started dating. I was 19 then and of course never expected it to last this long. We had a great relationship overall and I usually feel like we met too early in life. But now I fear that time is slipping out of my grasp and I "need" to get married and settle down. This is not what I want. I want to build my life, move into my own place (still living with the parents) and even date around/meet new people.

When I brought this up to her last weekend she seemed very upset and angry with me. She even told me her family was mad at me for considering a break up. I felt very corned and incredibly guilty for wanting to break up with this sweet person who has nothing but love to offer.

Am I being selfish or should I really explore what I am so curious about? I feel so young and I would like to see other people/travel, save up money, live on my own, and settle down when I feel the time is right.

I'm on the fence about breaking it off because I fear that I will find life on the other side to be boring and I'll eventually just end up lonely and regretting my decision.

Any advice or has anyone ever been in the same situation?

[Teddy057]

"I feel so young and I would like to see other people/travel, save up money, live on my own, and settle down when I feel the time is right. " Well man, it sounds like you made up your mind already. But, to be honest having someone at the end of the day is all that really matters, especially if they love you with all their heart. Life is short though, you are only young one time, and you may as well get that stuff out of the way now. Just remember, everyone has their heart broken at one point, and everyone breaks someone's. Don't feel too bad if you gotta do what you gotta do.

[RdHrshyKss]

you are taking a risk one way or the other. you just have to figure out which route you'd feel more comfortable taking. and from the way you describe things, i'm sure there is no doubt in your mind that your girlfriend is a wonderful person who deserves the best, she's just not right for you. if she was, you wouldn't be having this type of internal conflict. scratch that, maybe she is the right one for you, just not right now. it's better you split ways now before you end up resenting her. you are both still very young, if you are meant to be, you will make your way back to each other eventually.

[boatergirl89]

Part of me feels guilty for saying this because I'm a girl....but maybe she needs that time to herself too...but doesn't necessarily know it yet. I can only speak from my experiences...last year when I was 20 my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He was feeling pretty much exactly how you seem to be feeling. And there I was up until that point convinced that he's the only one for me and that I want to settle down early. We were really the only people that each other had been serious with....and it just felt safe i guess. Its been about 8 months since we broke up and I have learned so much about myself and what I want from life. I never really focused on myself when we were dating -- and while I have dated a little bit, I haven't been serious with anyone else and ultimately I think that the breakup was a huge blessing in disguise. Sure sometimes I miss what we had, but it just ultimately wasn't right. And let me tell you, it took me a while to get to this realization. It took me a while to realize that I needed that space too -- that I wanted to focus on myself -- I have a great job now, I grew so much closer to my family, my grades in college have never been better, and I've made so many more friends since the breakup.

Now I'm certainly not advocating just going and breaking up with her -- I just think that you should not think about it so much in the way of "I want to see the world and travel", etc....I think that you really need to evaluate how you feel about your girlfriend. From my experience, it's when the guy starts having doubts about the relationship and how he feels about his girlfriend that these other ideas of "oh it's because I need to see what else is out there while I'm young" that he uses as a reason. Maybe im just cynical about all of this since I was on the receiving end of the breakup....but its been a while since it happened and I can ultimately tell you that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

While it's hard to do, really try thinking about how you feel about her -- Have your feelings changed at all? How would you feel without her?

There's no guarantee that she will be there if you decide you want her back after a while of being single and exploring what's out there --- think about how you might feel in that case...

Sorry this was kinda long and depressing lol...but hope it offered a little insight

[kurtstephen]

Thank you all so much for replying. It really helps to have other perspectives from people because your friends are usually gonna be biased and take your side. We are actually on a "break" right now, meaning our relationship has been on life support for a few months now. We text/talk to each other every day still and we see each other once a week maybe if that, so it would be the perfect time to pull the plug I think. I just wasn't sure if I was making a mistake out of pure selfishness but I think at the end of the day, this is what I really want. We're on a break because she is seeking therapy for her relationship OCD and anxiety. She felt the same way about a year ago and it just built up to the point where we took a mutual break. Then last week she decides she wants to spend the rest of her life and slams me for wanting to break-up and says I have "commitment phobia". I'm a sensitive person and I just worry about hurting her. But I really need to get past that guilt feeling I have in the pit of my stomach and do what needs to be done because I think ultimately it will be the best decision I'll ever make. I guess I'm just hoping it won't be the worst.

[allsmiles]

I think you have your head on your shoulders and know what you want. You should do it. Life is short and if you feel you want to get out and experience the world then do it. Sometimes its fun being single and sometimes its not but at least you can look back without regret.