Wasting time?

[EnjoyingLife]

Hi all,

So, this time I had a calm talk about marriage with my partner instead of me getting angry. Just trying to fish out his feelings so I can make my decision about whether to stay or go. I am 31, he is 37 and have been together 3yrs, 8mths. 2 of these years were long distance but we spoke every day and he came to see me every second weekend. We have been living together for 1 1/2 yrs. He brought up marriage 1 1/2yrs into our relationship but then nothing for 2yrs. His response this time was that he is a bit scared of marriage and what could happen because now it is more of a reality. He said it is a big decision, which I definitely agree with but I am feeling that maybe he doesn't want to take a chance with me? I'm finding it difficult to decide whether he is wasting my time, as he tells me he wants to spend his life with me, take a chance with me and loves me. But what if he continues to say these things and keeps me dangling and never does anything about it?? I'm feeling like he doesn't have enough confidence in our relationship anymore after he says he scared of what might happen! I have brought up marriage a couple of times over the last 6mths because I never get any direct answers from him. I am feeling a bit better now that I know why he hasn't proposed yet. We live very well together, lots of laughing and things have always fallen into place with our relationship except it's now feeling a bit 'hard' when it comes to the committment issue. Do you think I am wasting my time?

Thanks

[waytoofat]

maybe he wants to ask you and wait for a perfect moment or maybe hes planning something, traditionally, if of course you asked him first

[vashti]

Do you want kids? If so, you are going to have to decide how much time you are willing to waste with a man who may not end up sticking around. Your eggs have a shelf life, you know. If you don't want kids, his indecision doesn't matter much, so long as you are enjoying your time together.

[EnjoyingLife]

I do want children but not right now. The thing is if I wait and then one day decide yes I'm ready and he still hasn't asked I may miss the boat! If it wasn't for our ages and wanting children I probably wouldn't mind so much. When I've sat down and thought about it I am not huge on marriage right now but it's almost as if I feel inadequate because he hasn't proposed to me yet and so many people around me are getting engaged, married and having children at the moment! Perhaps it's more about the idea of it rather than truly wanting it with anyone. Thanks

[xxazurexx]

I dunno, I don't believe in any such thing as a 'committment phobe'. I was involved with a guy off and on from being aged 17, until I was 21 and although we got as far as engagement he wasn't showing any sign of committing further. I ended up breaking it off with him and a year later, he was married to someone else and they had a child. So it couldn't have been the actual committment he was afraid of, he actually was dubious about committing to ME.

I think that after 3 and a half years, he should know by now and whether he can see himself spending the rest of his life with you or not. When guys have doubts, it is not the committment they are doubting, it's 'you' and the relationship they 'doubt' and they afraid of making a committment to the wrong person.

Getting married isn't somethng I feel you should be doing and just because your friends/other people are all doing it. It isn't necessary to follow the 'sheep' - you do what personally makes you happy, not what you feel you have to do and to fit into society.

If you are happy enough and just to continue living together, then continue to do so. But if you want marriage/kids and he shys off from it constantly...he isn't the guy who can provide what you want. You make your own decision from there I guess.

[EnjoyingLife]

Thanks Vashti and xxazurexx. I have said to him that maybe he is not afraid of committment but that deep down he is unsure of actually committing to me but he just keeps saying that he loves me, wants to spend his life with me and marry me. For some reason my instinct is saying that this won't happen! Maybe it's because he says he is scared of what might happen in a marriage and that it's a big decision (which I agree with) that makes me think he is unsure of me. It's difficult to know if someone is wasting your time when they say all the right things! I guess it comes down to working out what you really want in your own life and how long you are willing to wait.

[vashti]

Listen, you WANT kids, at some point. Either he wants to be a part of this picture, or he doesn't. You can't wait forever, and should stop auditioning. He has enough info to base a decision on. If he really loves you, he will step up.

Indecision IS a decision...

[EnjoyingLife]

Thanks Vashti.