Can text flirting really be meaningless?

[GoodWife]

Hi, I'm in need of some guy opinions. Forgive me, this is longer than I'd anticipated.

I have been married for 23 years. Mostly happy, with your typical ups and downs.... but nothing major. We have a wonderful life and I feel like my husband and I had a pretty solid relationship. He's a good man, a good father and provider, we have a healthy sex life and I have NEVER EVER been jealous or felt threatened in my marriage... until 2 months ago. Now my world feels like it's upside down with a turmoil of emotions and I can't seem to let go of it. I'm trying... really trying, but every time I think I'm OK, a few days later, I have another melt down.

My husband is a pretty reserved guy.... he has a pretty serious job, is a supervisor and works with mostly men and only a couple of office women. I've never known him to be the flirty type, other than maybe a passing moment while out with friends, but never outside of me being there. In our 25 years together, he has never ever made me feel like he would stray.

2 months ago, I accidentally stumbled across some text messages that my husband had been exchanging with a female co worker. (we don't have passwords on phones and he doesn't do computers at home. ) He'd mentioned her a few times, and I'd also met her on a few occasions at company gatherings. I never felt threatened by her at all or got any weird vibes from my husband while we were around her. She friended me on FB and seemed nice enough, although She is exactly the opposite of me, Loud and mouthy. Sometimes the things she said kind of made me shake my head... she's a good 10 years younger than I am, so I know it's a different era. She seemed proud of being a "sarcastic smart ass". (the way she described herself)
She too is married and seems to be happily married with two young daughters.

The text messages I read had been going on for several weeks... they were initiated by her and quickly became a daily thing. She would start with funny, random things at the start of the day and from there it would just go on and on... some days were heavy, some were not... mostly it was just silly banter but occasionally she would throw in something that, for me, seemed to cross the boundaries of what I felt was appropriate to say to a married man. I could also tell that there were a handful of messages that had been deleted.. I got my wits about me and went to my husband to find out what the Hell was going on. I was completely and totally blind sided by all of this and I was crushed!

He owned it... said he knew it was wrong and apologized profusely for hurting me. He said it meant absolutely nothing and that there was nothing going on between the two of them and that he had absolutely zero feelings for her. He said that it was just entertaining and funny to him and that it was never meant to go anywhere. I asked him about why he had deleted the messages and he said he deleted them because some of the conversation got a little edgy (on her part, and I'll explain that later) and that he knew it wasn't right and I wouldn't like it. He assured me over and over that there was NOTHING more to it than just stupid banter, he never got mad or defensive about any of it and he could not apologize enough for hurting me.

Over the next few days, I became obsessed with reading those deleted texts to find out what was said and why they were deleted... I finally figured out a way to read them partially. He told me that he was willing to sit down with me and go over them together and we would talk about it. I was once again crushed by what I read in those deleted texts..... Now before I go on, I will tell you that my husband never said anything inappropriate... She, on the other hand did... Here are some examples:

One convo was about sitting in the Hot Tub for sore muscles.... she ended up saying that she would love to sit in the hot tub with him but then she'd just end up getting them both in trouble.... My husband never replied.

Another time she messaged him and asked where he was... when he replied he was in a meeting in another town, she replied with "Well that explains why I'm not getting the attention I require"... he replied with "Ill be back".

One said: I know you want to leave work today and go drink beer in the woods with your favorite assistant. My husband didn't reply.

On numerous occasions she would refer to herself as his favorite assistant and say things like "Just admit it, I'm your favorite"... and he replied with "Yes, you're my favorite". She would say "Just admit it, you look forward to my daily reminders" and he replied "I do".

Another time she called him a Hot Piece of Ass in a joking way. He didn't reply.

And once... when she had left him a message that said "Don't forget to tell your favorite assistant how awesome she is today". He had replied with "Sorry I forgot to tell you how awesome you were today... But Yes, you are the best Ass ever. She replied with "you have no idea". He then said "that was a poorly formed sentence, meaning she was an ASS".... she replied, "Oh, that's too bad, I liked the awesome ass comment".

These were the ones that killed me. There were many many more of just stupid chatter that would start out with a work related question and go into a back and forth banter where she called him names and acted her smart assy way and he would respond. In all of the messages that I read, my husband never said anything inappropriate to her and never responded when her comments turned into sexual innuendos. He said when it got like that it made him uncomfortable so he just let it drop.

I have cried oceans of tears... I have struggled daily to come to grips with this. My husband has been amazingly loving through all of it. I know he is so sorry... He even cried with me once during one of my melt downs and told me that he was so embarrassed and so sorry... that he would give anything to take back the hurt that he'd caused me. Through all of it he has maintained that it meant NOTHING. That he was not attracted to her, that he has no feelings for her, it wasn't going anywhere, and that it was nothing more than a source of entertainment, even though he knew it was wrong.

I have forgiven him... He has been amazing and has completely bent over backward to console me. I love him and I know that he loves me. We have a great life! I just don't know how to get over my hurt.... I think about it every day.... I want so bad to believe that he wasn't becoming infatuated with her.... but I fight with myself constantly over it.

So there's my question... is it REALLY possible to have such flirty, ongoing texting tryst with someone and have it mean nothing? I so need the advice of other men to reassure me.

Thanks for listening.

[GoodWife]

Nobody has any opinions on this for me at all?

[lalalita]

Hi there. I'm not a man, but I do have my opinion and I too have been the victim of inappropriate texting in my life.

I think his saving graces here are that he didn't initiate any of it and he didn't really feed into it either. He should have stopped it in it's tracks, but no one is perfect. He was open with you and is being supportive. I think this is really the best case scenario for what's at hand.

It's obvious your husband was the target of this woman. I'd have the right mind to send her a Facebook message and let her know you're aware of her actions and they are to stop. (The child in me would add "if you don't want your husband finding out")

[GoodWife]

Thank you.... This is what I need. To just talk it out with others without the fear of it "getting out" and causing a bunch of real life drama.
I confronted her, too. I texted her and told her that I wanted her to know that I had stumbled across all of the texts she and my husband had been exchanging over the last few weeks.. At first she fell all over herself apologizing, saying that to please remember she is just a really "Sarcastic Smartass" and that she never meant to disrespect me..... Now, however, she's mad at me and told me that she finds the whole situation too dramatic for her to deal with. My guess is that if her husband knew some of the things she said, he wouldn't be so understanding.

Yes, you are right that my only saving grace is that my husband didn't ever reply with anything inappropriate, but he did respond... he did continue to text her, and he seemed to enjoy the banter. Why it hurts so much, I don't know... but it does

[lovebroken]

I think his office worker has a fixation and attraction to your husband he probably knew this because if she is that flirty on texts she must be as flirty in person in the office or over lunch. I would have a talk with her, send HER a text telling her to stop flirting with your husband, especially if this is hurting you, your husband may stop but will she, only if you let her know you know what she has told your husband, has she no shame you said she is also married and has children.

[GoodWife]

I have talked to her. I texted her and told her I knew about it all. I then sent her a long message telling her how inappropriate I thought some of the things she said were, being that they were both married. She replied with "Again, I'm sorry that it hurt you, but it was nothing more than immature BS meant to lighten things up up at work by being stupid funny." I tried to accept her apology and go with the whole "It meant nothing" from both of them.... but it's that dark little place in the back of my mind that keeps asking me "Could it really have meant nothing and gone on every day for a month?" I guess that's my original question. Can people REALLY flirt like that and have it mean nothing? Or are you continuing the daily banter because you're slowly becoming attracted to and infatuated with the person?

I get flirting... I flirt too. BUT.... I don't carry on a secret texting tryst. I don't text any men, really.
I owned my own business for 7 years and came in contact with lots of men..... I have been flirted with a lot... I have also done my fair share of flirting. I know it boosts the ego and makes a person feel good... but.... the flirting ended when the man walked out the door... I didn't continue an ongoing, drawn out version of it over texts. I guess this is what bothers me..... And it is something that is SO out of character for my husband, too.... Hell, he's only been texting for a couple of years and just got a smart phone a few months ago.

I guess the reason that I joined this is really to just be able to talk it out.

[lalalita]

I have talked to her. I texted her and told her I knew about it all. I then sent her a long message telling her how inappropriate I thought some of the things she said were, being that they were both married. She replied with "Again, I'm sorry that it hurt you, but it was nothing more than immature BS meant to lighten things up up at work by being stupid funny." I tried to accept her apology and go with the whole "It meant nothing" from both of them.... but it's that dark little place in the back of my mind that keeps asking me "Could it really have meant nothing and gone on every day for a month?" I guess that's my original question. Can people REALLY flirt like that and have it mean nothing? Or are you continuing the daily banter because you're slowly becoming attracted to and infatuated with the person?

I get flirting... I flirt too. BUT.... I don't carry on a secret texting tryst. I don't text any men, really.
I owned my own business for 7 years and came in contact with lots of men..... I have been flirted with a lot... I have also done my fair share of flirting. I know it boosts the ego and makes a person feel good... but.... the flirting ended when the man walked out the door... I didn't continue an ongoing, drawn out version of it over texts. I guess this is what bothers me..... And it is something that is SO out of character for my husband, too.... Hell, he's only been texting for a couple of years and just got a smart phone a few months ago.

I guess the reason that I joined this is really to just be able to talk it out.

There is a clear line between professional interaction between coworkers and inappropriate closeness. She knows she was crossing the line, she's just trying to brush it off. "Immature BS" between coworkers is texting and making fun of your boss. She was trying to make things sexual. NOT "immature BS".

[GoodWife]

That is exactly what I say! You do NOT make comments about "Getting you both in trouble" implying your a "Good piece of Ass" etc.. if you're not trying to get a man to think of you in a sexual manner... I don't care how Smart Assy you are! If you say things like that to men, I consider you nothing more than an attention whore.
Again, my guess is that she's really wanting to cover her A$$ because if her husband KNEW some of the texts she sent, she may be in trouble. She claimed that she talked to her husband about it all and that he supported her saying that most people don't understand her sense of humor or her "mouth" and how she talks to her friends.
My husband said that she barely talks to him at work now and is all business like when she does.

Thank you, Thank you, for validating my feelings about her.
I still am hurt that my husband found it fun to text with her... and I have to find a way to deal with that hurt. I guess only time will heal.

[Stay 2gether]

i say she is lucky you was nice about it because with how she replied i mite have lost my temper must say you did a good job handling the sitution and i would also thank my husband for his honesty but let him know next time he needs to be the one to put a stop to it