It's Friday Night...

[independent]

It's the weekend and the kids are out with their own plans. Before the big break up, I had plans myself this weekend - made months ago - to play in a tournament out of town. Of course, those were plans made while we were still together - and something we planned to do together.

Although I havent heard from him, I would imagine he went anyway. I decided not to, because things are not comfortable enough between us for either of us to able to enjoy it or even play well if we were both there.

I figured a quiet night would do me justice - especially considering I havent felt well this week. My plans include a little work around the house, a long hot bath... and then to finish packing up what few things he has left here. (I feel the need to make this FINAL. He obviously doesnt care about me at all, and I obviously cannot go on letting him treat me the way he does.)

I'm pretty content with my plans, but it occurred to me that someone has to compromise in situations like this. When we were together, I was always the one to compromise. Seems it will still be that way even though we are not together. Not a bother to me, just a realization.

A realization that he's still an inconsiderate jerk.

Oops - that one slipped out! Anyway. I'm sure he'll be out and about right off. Already has been, in fact - out drinking, hanging with friends (mutual friends of ours at that), hitting the bars with his buddies, etc.

Why do I feel apprehensive about doing the same? Maybe it is just because I am conservative and that isnt my lifestyle. And also because I know that even meeting the girls out for margaritas and girl talk (totally innocent) would put him in a roar and cause him to phone me relentlessly and call me an uncaring bar-hopping slut (He tends to be imaginative and extreme, even though he knows me better than that).

Hmm. Thoughts anyone?


The tournament lasts into tomorrow, so I had thought I might go up tomorrow afternoon and play in a few of the events. He may or may not be there. And I could always walk right back out if he was going to be wierd about it or ugly to me. I have friends that will be there too (that are expecting me to be there - according to plans made previous to all of this BS).

So... would YOU go? Or just stay out of dodge and let the situation cool way down first? Honestly, I dont think I care either way. I'd need to phone a couple of friends and apologize for not showing up - but it would be understood and accepted. And I would enjoy a little shopping around town instead. So I'm up in the air. Thought it would make for a good discussion.

[Late_vamp]

i would go , why keep yourself from having fun because of a previous problem you had with him before , your not gonna change your whole life just to avoid him , so just go regardless if he's there .

[independent]

Yeah, I put some serious thought into it. But I dont know if I want to torture myself.

He ended up calling me last night - AFTER he got done with all his plans (after 1am). As if all of this wasnt hard enough on me, I have to be left feeling like that makes me feel.

My daddy always used to say that boys who called me after 10pm were no good for me. That was when I was 16 and waiting hour after hour to be called or picked up by this one certain guy - which would finally happen around 10 or 11. I think he's still right on that one.

[Rosebud]

Independent, what sport is this that you play? And even though it would be good for you on this one and because you had made previous plans awhile ago to do this. With him calling you so much and what not, I would maybe take a rain check on this one. I imagine there will be more tournaments that you can go to in the future but he may also be counting on the fact that you would be there too so maybe it would be better to just go shopping like you said or something of that sort. You could also go at the end like you said and then if he starts to get nasty or whatever just leave but if you feel you would rather stay home and do all those other things I know your friends would understand and I think it would help you to stay at home. I mean go out and buy new curtains and put them up, you know yourself you'll feel better once things are changed around in the house and sometimes it can be fun to becasue you feel like your getting rid of the old and in with the new in more ways than one.

[independent]

You're right, Rose. I feel like I am just asking to be lied to or jerked around every time I answer the phone or the door - why walk myself dead into it somewhere out of town and in front of all of our peers? It would be the perfect opportunity for him to act like Mr Nice Guy in front of everyone - or say something to push my buttons that nobody else would get, just to get a rise out of me and then turn around and say "I dont know what was wrong with her" with an innocent shrug.

Know what I mean?

I think I'll get some things done around here. Pluck my eyebrows. Paint my toenails. Go do a little shopping. Come home and piddle around the house. And I may still yet feel like getting out later this evening too - so I may just call "the girls".

[independent]

p.s. He still thinks he's "trying" and still denies lying to me (indirectly, because I havent openly confronted him on it) the other night. And still thinks it was okay what he did.

I am NUTS for even feeling tormented at this point *sigh*. Unfortunately, you cant help how you feel. You can only control your actions and reactions...

[whaywardj]

Hm. It's been said that only consequences can drive home a difficult point. That would argue NOT going to any of your formerly shared events for a time would be the thing to do. Such consequences would make the break more real for both of you AND your peers, and might hasten closure.

Opening your agenda so would also give you opportunity to do other things you may need to do to process everything in your own way...like polishing your nails with nothing particularly pressing on your mind except getting the gloss just right.

I wouldn't be overly concerned about any fleeting apprehensions you may have over what he or they (acquaintances) may be doing or thinking, or at all pondering over such things as who compromises and who doesn't. You've spent two years identifying yourself in part through this relationship. It was part of who you were and much of what you did was done with it and him somewhere in the mix, influencing your thoughts and decisions in both large and small ways. It's a habit to continue doing so for a time. Nothing more.

Look at it like dissolve frames in a film, one scene fading from sight as another scene coalesces into view. You're that film. For a little while, you'll be both who you were and who you're becoming. Niggling apprehensions or concerns are just the frame lines making themselves apparent because you're watching your film from the inside-out and can see it's inner workings in great detail, causing it to appear to move more slowly. Ignore them. They're just cracks in the picture through which other films can be made to roll...if you let them...and, they too, will vanish as your new scene gets up to speed and comes into clarity.

Paraphrasing Billy Joel: "You can't be everything you wanna be before it's time." Be patient with yourself and kind to yourself meanwhile. Treat yourself like you'd treat one of you children if he or she were going through it.

[independent]

You are right. I do need to take it easy on myself through all of this, and accept it as a normal part of the process. I think that I am doing very well, all things considered, but do have weak moments. Mainly in the evening hours after I'd had all day to analyze things quietly in my head as I go through the motions of my routine.

I get a bit sad, and begin to relate all of this to other failures in my past - or other relationships that were difficult. I try to apply logic, with an overbearing emotional pull, to a situation where neither wins out.

I'm not a total mess. I suppose thinking all of this through is just normal. Something I need to do to make the transformation.


By the way - here is my horoscope for the day (not something I live by, but always fun):

Your electricity bill will be due soon, and it looks like maybe it's time to get another bottle of shampoo. Take stock of everything you have to do, and go get it done. You'll feel better afterward.

Looks like my plans for the day were on target. He called this morning already anyway, and I just told him I wasnt up for it. It was a relief for me. Probably him as well.

[Rosebud]

Yes Independent, you have to go through all those feelign and past situations to have closure on what's going on now in your life. But it's very healthy and you are doing great in all this. To be honest I think it's a good thing you didn't confront him about that big lie, your a very strong person for doing that most people being so angry, would think the right thing to do is throw it in their face but in this instance there's no need. He will still think he's right and not realize what he has truly done and probably only tell another lie to make him self feel and look better. And that would only cause you to think about more things. By looking back on all the things in your past your going to find things you liked and disliked and I'm sure there are similarities in all the relationships you have had. So in seeing those you are learning from them and then in turn being cautious the next time around when seeing those same similarities in someone new. I know you know it's all a vicous cycle but if you try hard and and see what makes all those things similar you can break out of that cycle and go onto a new and better one that will be more beneficial to you. You have already started that process by doing all the small things that you like and that make you feel good about yourself ie. painting toe nails, etc. So I think your doing very good there Independent!

[independent]

Thank you, Rose (smile) - I am quickly coming to count you as a "friend"

I ended up taking a nap to pass some of the day away. Now I have the rest of the evening to do all of those little things I had in mind, which is probably good!

[independent]

He just called - leaving the tournament early today - and asked if I'd go to dinner with him



He just acts like nothing is wrong at all! I said I had plans to go shopping, to which he responded by asking if he could join me.



I think maybe confronting him about how I feel about these lies and such is the only real way to let him know how I am truly feeling. I just have this suspicion he will lie his way out of that (or try) or cop to it, feel guilty, say he's sorry... and leave me to still be the bad guy.

I am just sick. And so very very hurt. Losing trust is HUGE.

[Rosebud]

LOL, why thank you Independent! I actually think that's one of the nicest things anyone on Lf has said to me!

oh yeah, you'll have fun, especially since the kids are gone so you can relax a bit as well..LOL

And no need to thank me Independent it was you who did all this!!

[Rosebud]

He just called - leaving the tournament early today - and asked if I'd go to dinner with him



He just acts like nothing is wrong at all! I said I had plans to go shopping, to which he responded by asking if he could join me.



I think maybe confronting him about how I feel about these lies and such is the only real way to let him know how I am truly feeling. I just have this suspicion he will lie his way out of that (or try) or cop to it, feel guilty, say he's sorry... and leave me to still be the bad guy.

I am just sick. And so very very hurt. Losing trust is HUGE.

Yes it is very HUGE! and yes I think your dead on on what he will try to do. I know you want to explain to him how you feel and I won't persuade any way but think of these things ok:
1) If you tell him, what do you think it will solve? Do you think it will make YOU feel better for him knowing even though he can't change it nor will he even admit it.
2) If you do tell him all this will he understand how you feel and respect your wishes for it to truly be over? Or will he keep dishing out the lies to try and make it seem as though your the bad guy so you go back to him?

All I'm saying here is to just think of these thigns and figure out if talkingt o him about all this will really accomplish anything. Ia lways say people deserve an explanation but in this case he's only going to try and cover it up with another lie and lie directly to your face which is the exact reason you guys aren't together anymore.

[whaywardj]

Uh...I'm getting a feeling, Independent, that, for the sake of keeping the peace, you might be being jeest a leetle too ambiguous with him about what you're going through.

This is a fact: You don't have to explain yourself to anyone at anytime for anything. If you've decided it's over with him, all you have to do is say, "It's over. Now leave me and mine alone." And that's it. No explaining it. No talking about it. No nothing after that. That all he needs to know. Anything more than that -- any why's, or any because's, or anything like that at all -- are things offered only out of kindness. But since kindness doesn't seem to register with this guy, I don't see any point in going even one inch beyond, "It's over." IF that's your choice.

[independent]

You're right - I am a peacekeeper. And you are also right in that I dont owe him anything, in the way of excuses or explanations.

I ended up going to dinner with him. As upset as I have been, I also knew he is not one to take no for an answer. So I decided if I was going to have to sit across the table from him... I might as well say what was on my mind. There's no sense faking my way through a decent dinner, which would only lead him to believe "everything is okay". Because its not.

Besides, I may not be the most 'forward' person, but I am also not one to "be" any other way than how I truly feel. It just takes me some time to process things sometimes (I prefer to think things through vs jumping the gun).

I laid all my cards out on the table. About him lying to me on Wednesday night. About him lying to our mutual friend about what he did over last weekend. About what I expected, and how I feel about what has happened.

For the first time since we met... I actually feel like he "heard me". (Communication has obviously been our weak point). Time will tell, of course. But at least now he knows and there will be no question in his mind should I choose to take a course of action against him in the future if he crosses the line with me in any way (a course of action such as getting an order of protection, etc).

His response? He admitted to it all. He seemed genuinely ashamed, but I am not in a position to take him at face value. Again, time will tell (and I dont mean that it will tell ME... just that he will find peace with himself, or he wont change a bit and it will all have been a lost cause).


He wanted to know where we stood now. "Should we just call it quits now?" etc. We both play league, and this is a small town... and I told him truthfully that I would prefer not to be angry at each other, and not to turn it into an uncomfortable situation (anymore than it already is) should we run into each other. Other than that, I told him, I cannot trust and I am extremely hurt. I cant just act like none of this ever happened.

He asked me if he could at least call me. To which I replied yes, but only between certain hours (no more 1am phone calls). And not to show up at my house unexpected, etc.

He asked me if I was going to be dating anyone else. Of course that was out of line, but I told him (again truthfully) that I had no plans along those lines, but that I was sure eventually we would both go out on other dates (and pointed out that the question was out of line). I told him he had no rights to question me, or tell me what I should or shouldnt do... when he obviously had no respect for me - and couldnt even be honest to me about basic things. He accepted that (at that moment).


Flame me or hug me - take your pick