The Lessons that I've Learned

[OmnicronPercei8]

I'm not necessarily "guilty" of not following any of these rules, yet I know I could have been better off reading over them once a day. I know many people here will scoff at stuff like submitting yourself completely to your loved one, but if you do and you are with the right person they will return the favor and you will not be taken advantage of. I know I may be naive but this is exactly how I wanted to be treated and to treat the woman of my dreams.

Don’t be hesitant to show your love for the other person. Love as hard as you can, as fast as she will allow you.

Don’t shield your heart. When you do you can’t invest yourself 100% for fear of rejection, pain, or humiliations, then you’re doing a disservice to both yourself and your love for her.

Always show respect and kindness toward her.

Never disregard her as a person for their opinions you don’t agree with. Find out why she thinks what she thinks and never be nasty or judgmental about it.

Submit yourself to her and be the best you can be to her. Ask for direction on how to better serve her.

Never show disparity between your love for her, your love for her children, and your love for your own child. Love them equally and don’t show priority over one another.

Value and honor free time spent together. If you want to make other plans, do it several weeks or more in advance. With enough advanced planning she will give you that night out.

Do not be stupidly honest. While honesty is a great trait, some things are better left unsaid and unknown. I'm talking about stuff that happened in your past - not secrets of infidelity!

Love the woman your with and let no other woman exist. Attraction may happen, but state that as obvious and that you will look and handle your attraction to anyone else with maturity and grace.

Tell her constantly how sexy, beautiful, and intelligent she is, and mention whatever other charms she has that blow you away. This will endow her with great confidence and you'll get much out of it in the bedroom (so yes a little self serving but hey... )

Never make her feel judged for the things that she does like smoking, drinking, eating, etc. Lead by example and don't force it on her.

Never be foolish enough to have a break. A break is just an excuse to disentangle ourselves from the relationship, and not “work on problems on our own”. Anything worth working on is worth working on together. (Thanks to Wakeup for this one)

The world owes you nothing. Release any expectations of others and the chip on your shoulder will fall away.

Never put your partner on a pedestal so great so that their words cut any sharper than anyone else's. You will reach for meaning behind their words that is simply not there.

[JennaBella]

Really lovely words, and very true too. Makes me sad that I thought I had all of that and turns out it was a mirage

[Wakeup]

IMO, The trick is to make sure that your efforts are being reciprocated in kind before you allow yourself to become totally vulnerable. When both parties are showing each other that they are valued and respected than it is then that you let down the last few bricks in the wall and can safely become vulnerable to one another. Never keep giving and giving if you're nearly always not getting back.

I'm not sure about others but personally I would not expect my SO to give me notice weeks in advance just to be "allowed" to go out without me. I'd not want that restriction on myself either. It's always good to keep a life going outside of your union. It keeps things interested and keeps you interesting to have things to discuss and talk about that the other wasn't involved in. We need our same sex friends. It's not fair to expect our SO to provide every single human need 24/7. JMO.

Nice thoughts in general, Omni.

[bulrush]

Great rules for relationships. I'd add just one more:

- Communicate. If you want something, or something is bothering you about your parenter, talk about it right away. Don't let resentment grow. For this to work, both partners must have good listening skills too. Do not judge, do not call names, talk calmly.

This year I became more honest about what I want with my dates. I tell them early what I want before any emotional entanglement, and I have been much happier with my relationships. What this means: my communication with myself was honest, and so was my communication with my partners. I should not have to waste my time with someone who doesn't want the same things I do.

(Yes guys, it's somewhat about my attitudes toward sex. These Michigan women are such prudes! You would think they were all Quakers or something.)

[OmnicronPercei8]

IMO, The trick is to make sure that your efforts are being reciprocated in kind before you allow yourself to become totally vulnerable. When both parties are showing each other that they are valued and respected than it is then that you let down the last few bricks in the wall and can safely become vulnerable to one another. Never keep giving and giving if you're nearly always not getting back.

I'm not sure about others but personally I would not expect my SO to give me notice weeks in advance just to be "allowed" to go out without me. I'd not want that restriction on myself either. It's always good to keep a life going outside of your union. It keeps things interested and keeps you interesting to have things to discuss and talk about that the other wasn't involved in. We need our same sex friends. It's not fair to expect our SO to provide every single human need 24/7. JMO.

Nice thoughts in general, Omni.

Yes I agree. I guess I should have emphasized this isn't something I do right off the bat. You submit to a new woman or man without receiving their love back and you're going to get abused and discarded as being weak or a "nice" guy. I'm not saying let a woman walk all over you by any means. But if you are truly in love with each other then some of the small shit can slide without a raised eyebrow.

As far as the notice thing, I am just coming from my personal experiences with my Ex. Like I've stated in other posts she may have had some kind of BPD thing going on and definitely had separation anxiety. We both had kids so on free nights it was pretty much custom that we expected to spend the evening together. If I so much mentioned doing something together with other people (like play board games or hang out) she would get pissed off at me for devaluing our time together. Same thing if I had made plans to get some kind of work done in the morning and she wanted to spend the day lazing around in bed together. I just think if I would have given better notice those problems would have been avoided but that may be case by case with her and not relationships in general.

[Wakeup]

If I so much mentioned doing something with other people (not even going out with the boys) she would get pissed off at me for devaluing my time.

That to me would be a huge red flag that I'd address immediately and if they couldn't wrap their head around the fact that I needed "me" time once in a blue moon then I would never let myself become totally emotionally vulnerable to that person because I'd immediately know that their attempts at control were something that I would never be able to tolerate. I suspect an end to the budding relationship would soon follow. I guess it comes down to knowing yourself and the better you know yourself the wiser we'll choose. *shrugs*.

Tks for the thought provoking thread.

[OmnicronPercei8]

That's true Wakeup but that specific red flag wasn't prevalent until I was already invested in heart as was she. There were many red flags and things that I have a hard time shaking off the residue from that she did, but when you're in love you seem to make excuses and let stuff slide when perhaps you shouldn't. It is a measure of being wiser and the next woman that come's along won't be able to pull half that shit that my ex did.

[Wakeup]

True that, Omni. You're all the wiser now and that's something positive you can take away from that relationship.