Why would my older boyfriend (12 yrs older) want to know every man that contacts me?

[sweet42]

I am 46 and my boyfriend is 12 years older. He is very high up in law enforcement. We have been seeing each other for 8 months and he is the one that wanted to be exclusive with me from the beginning. He has also told me he loved me already, but doesn't say it very often. He gets very upset if I change my profile pic on Facebook, etc. So there was no more drama, I ended up deleting my FB acct. He does not like to see the comments men make about my photos. I have been told I am an attractive woman. The photo's I posted were normal face pictures and I look younger than my age as well. I try to do everything to appease him so that there is no argument. He doesn't understand why I need attention from others. He stated that I must change the pic because I want the attention. I am the type that has always changed my pic frequently because I get tired of seeing the same one. I can't say I don't mind getting nice comments, but that is not why I change it. It is so I feel good with how I look to the world. There is one other big thing that he wants to know. He wants me to tell him every message/call/txt I receive from a male. I have known men before him and I occasionally get a message here and there. I kindly tell them that I am not interested and that I am dating someone. I have to say I really feel awkward telling him when someone hits on me or sends a message to see how I am, etc. Makes me feel like I am trying to make him jealous, etc. Why would he want to know this? I am not talking with anyone and only interested in him, in which he knows as I tell him all the time. I don't understand how telling him when someone hits on me helps our relationship.

[paythebills]

He sounds like a control freak

[michelle23]

has he been cheated on/badly hurt before? if not, he could be cheating on you. when a person is this paranoid with serious trust issues-it is usually one or the other or both.

any his behaviour is controlling and over the top possessive. sounds like you have plenty of options so dump him and find someone who knows how to be in a healthy functional relationship.

if your doing nothing to encourage the attention and always turn it down-then he has no reason to be so paranoid. it will likely just get worse. soon he will be telling you what to wear, how to eat, how to speak, to sit up straight, not to leave the house without him

get out now

[basilandthyme]

I would have dumped him the first time he got upset about me changing a FB photo. HUGE red flag. No way would I live my live trying to appease such a control freak.

Anyway, the reason WHY he does what he does is unimportant. The only important thing is whether or not you want a future walking on eggshells trying to appease him.

[smackie9]

He is in law enforcement and is used to being in control and in charge so it could be that he is letting his job overlap his private life. Some people get a little crazy when they are in love too and it's making him be crazy when other men are contacting you....I'm sure there are a lot of BFs would be upset about it too if this was going on with their GF, so this is something that will have to be discussed at length with him. Go over your relationship boundaries and make some compromises like him backing off about wanting the back ground of every guy that contacts you and you posting other types of pictures rather than portraits or yourself. So don't call him a psycho yet. I'm sure with some talk he will start to see that he is just over reacting.

[smackie9]

If he continues to bust your balls about stuff like this, then tell him you can't have a relationship like this because it has become abusive and unhealthy.

[surfhb2]

You already asks the same question several weeks ago

[Wakeup]

There are compromises to be had here. For instance:

You tighten up your privacy settings so that not every dufus who happens by your photo takes a liking to it. You are in a relationship so the attention of other men should be less tittalating to you now. So tighten those setting up and let him know you've done it.

Instead of changing up your photo arbitrarely, why not say "I like this new photo of me and I think Aunt Grazilda will like it to so I'm going to put it up on facebook." Then if he tells you no (after you've tightened up your privacy settings) then perhaps you should think about leaving or discussing with him that his behaviour is controlling and you'll not stay with someone who is so rigid.

I'm flumoxed as to why everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions and tell an opening poster to dump lately when they haven't even yet to offer a solution or a compromise in order to see if he's willing to agree to it? Afterall: There is no need for Op to be having wide open privacy settings so that random men are "hitting on her" (her own words). She's in a relationship afterall and she could meet him half way at least before ending things.

If he continues to bust your balls about stuff like this, then tell him you can't have a relationship like this because it has become abusive and unhealthy.

Absolutely but at least give the man the opportunity to remedy first.

[Wakeup]

Further to above:

I don't understand how telling him when someone hits on me helps our relationship.

I can't understand you allowing men to find you and hit on you can help your relationship either.

[basilandthyme]

I'm flumoxed as to why everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions and tell an opening poster to dump lately when they haven't even yet to offer a solution or a compromise in order to see if he's willing to agree to it?

What about him wanting her to tell him about every message/call/text she receives from a male? It's not just about FB privacy settings.

Also, if I was in her position, I couldn't help but have alarm bells go off about a guy who gets "very upset" if I changed my FB photo. I think it's 'tip of the iceberg' behaviour. In her situation, I'd run a mile.

[Wakeup]

What about him wanting her to tell him about every message/call/text she receives from a male? It's not just about FB privacy settings.

What about it? If she hasn't made it so men can't "hit on her" then we'd normally tell HIM to dump her ass. Point is, she needs to tell him that she is willing to compromise if he is and then see what is and isn't a boundary cross for the two of them, what can be worked out and then if it's his way or the highway, then she should seriously think about leaving him and his unyield, controlling arse.

Also, if I was in her position, I couldn't help but have alarm bells go off about a guy who gets "very upset" if I changed my FB photo.

My first question was well what are you changing them to? Cleavage shots or just plain photos of a family outing, a action shot etc. Cheeze Cake photos would have anyone alarmed. Everyday action pics would of course be less threatening to him. She's "getting hit on" and doesn't want to have to tell her husband about it because she thinks telling him won't help their relationship.

I think it's 'tip of the iceberg' behaviour.

Perhaps it is but if she's not done any communicating to him or compromising with him then we don't know for sure if it's the tip of an iceberg.

In her situation, I'd run a mile.

Me too if after; sitting down with him and telling him that I've changed my setting so men can't reach me automatically and I'll have to accept a friend request, which i won't do if I don't know them as family or friends we both know and after that he still was a controlling unyielding twat then like I said, "me too" particularily because it's only been 8 months.

She's not tried yet to do any rectifying so we only have her words about him and not much info on whats going on on facebook.

He likely is a used to giving orders (as smackie suggests) but goodness, it's not yet been determined if he's sociopathic. I see a few hints that she could change things up since she IS in a committed relationship.

He doesn't trust her but we don't know yet why he doesn't.

[basilandthyme]

Yeah, fair enough Wakeup. What you write makes sense

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah, fair enough Wakeup. What you write makes sense

No it doesn't. The FB photos, maybe. Not the phone call report-out thing. LOL, if I had to report on every phone call a male makes to me... let's see, about 50% of my calls today. Anyone else thinking 'Sleeping With the Enemy'?

OP - He's showing all the red flags of a controlling personality. You, however, sound very attention-seeking and while that's not a crime, it is rather irritating. Behaviour I'd expect of a teenager, not a 46 year old.

[sweet42]

Wow! Thanks for all your inputs. I truly appreciate it. I want to clarify that I deactivated my FB account. All the pictures that I put on were head shots and all cleavage were cut out. Just a normal face pic. Every pic I ever showed him, he said I had a "come hither" look in my face and too sexy. Just the look in my eyes or face. I gave up on it. I deactivated to show him that I am serious about our relationship and I don't need Facebook. His response to my deactivation was "thanks, it is much appreciated, but you should want to do it for yourself and not just me". I never had an issue with Facebook and would not have deactivated if it wasn't for him so I am not sure what he is talking about. He told me there is a reason I change my photo from time to time. The last time I changed my pic, he didn't message me for 3 days and finally I messaged him and asked if he was ok. He then began to explain that he assumed I was telling him that I didn't want him anymore and he was very mad. He would not answer my messages, etc. He finally left me hanging by saying "I am trying to sort things out with my mind and not my heart". I wrote him so many times trying to explain that I didn't do it to send him a message. I had a winter pic up and changed it to a summer one. He ended up calling me after a couple more days of him thinking and we discussed. At the end of the phone conversation he said "I love you". I might have made a mistake with him in the beginning because I told him that I did use FB as kind of an outlet. The space was mine and mine only and when I would get lonely there were people to talk to. Not everyone knows I am in a relationship, so if I get a txt, etc. I simply tell them thank you, but I am not available and I am dating someone. When I have to tell him everything, it makes me feel really bad and I feel like he thinks I am trying to make him jealous. He told me that quite a while ago he dated a woman who would flirt with other men right in front of him and even his friends would make comments about how she would not pay much attention to him when other officers were around, etc. He did mention to me that I might feel some of the effects from that experience. I guess he doesn't want to feel like a fool. He told me he loved me pretty quick after we started dating. He doesn't tell me all the time and he doesn't call/txt/email all the time either. I might get one email a day to let me know how his day is going and when he can he calls me after work. When we first started dating he said he was hoping we would end up in an exclusive relationship. That happened very quickly because he told me he really wanted me for himself and it drives him crazy to think of me with another man. He said this a couple of times since I have met him, but he is not smothering or anything like that. Matter of fact, I don't think he communicates with me enough. If he is busy or has something else going on, he will go a couple of days without any communication. At the beginning of the relationship, he would make little jokes about the Facebook posts. There was nothing inappropriate. Just comments saying I was very pretty and still basically looking good after all these years. Like I said, he is very high up in law enforcement. He is always at functions and out with people and very well known through the law enforcement community and respected. I worry about that as well. Of course he tells me I have nothing to worry about. He doesn't understand why I would need any other attention but his. I have told him several times that I need him to give me a little more of his attention. Sometimes we can't go out for a few weeks because of his commitments. I am always there and available for him, etc. and I think he knows that at this point. I am a professional, smart woman, but sometimes I am naive and don't always have my eyes open. He actually told me that he dated a woman for a year just for something to do. He tries to make be feel like I am special by telling me he hasn't told other woman he was involved with in the last few years that he loved them, etc. He is a very busy man with his job and has alot of responsibility. I am scared of getting hurt as well, so I have insecurities too for some reason.

[michelle23]

I wouldnt trust this guy. I see red flags everywhere