Im laying to rest a lil part of my life forever. have a read!

[magikpumpkin]

Hey everyone

Don't really know why im posting this, i've no problems so don't worry about giving any advice, just wanna express the triumph over something which has haunted me for a long long time. I really bloody hope this is the last time i ever write about it, because it do not want it rearing up again, i want to make this as a sort of declaration of closure. So here was my situation, if you wanna read: (sorry that's it's so long, just don't wanna leave any details out)

I had a best friend a year ago. We obviously liked eachother, i had very strong feelings for her and one day i thought to take a chance and i asked her out, but evidently she didn't feel as strong as if found out. We lasted a very short time before she ended it all and it's almost embarressing thinking about it how much time it took me to get over it. Anyway, after the breakup the friendship started to slip a little, i had a trip away for a week where a girl who kept relentlessly coming onto me when drunk just made the misery i was feeling worse and worse.

I went through the pathetic stage of trying to get my ex back but eventually faced the truth and concentrated on repairing the friendship. She seemed to really be trying for a while, but after a few weeks it felt like everything was going wrong, we started losing contact, or rather, she made it harder for me to talk to her for some reason. As the college term ended and the Winter hols began we both started to lose lots of contact, or rather i lost contact with her more and more, i got very down about it, feeling rejected as a friend. Of course i didn't realise that my ex and now slipping-bestfriend was not just losing contact with me because we both hadn't patched things up enough to be satisfied, but she was seeing someone else. There was hardly any contact over xmas, i was worried and very very down about the friendship situation, all i wanted now was to repair the friendship despite some slowly-dying feelings still remaining, i wanted nothing else.

On New Years Eve she said it all at once online, "I've been seeing this guy for a few months, and i really liked him, and now i'm going out with him" something along the lines of that. I underestimated how much i was over her, obviously i wasn't - I was devastated! I felt replaced. Here was a guy who'd not only overtaken me as her best friend, but now as her love interest, all in the space of 2 months! I was torn between guilt for having these feelings and a sorrowful horror which they caused. I didn't hold anything back i completely told her how devastated i was, a massive argument blew up and it was horrible, really blew up the way the friendship had slid and how she's been trying to block it all, sort of putting it on hold.

Before we started college again, i txted her and said i need some time away, despite the pain i was in i was determined to get my head around think properly, if not for the friendship then at least for me!! She agreed reluctantly, she was hurt by that massive argument as well. January this year was pretty hellish, we stayed out of each other's way, but it was painful as we were ment to be best mates and here we were avoiding each other.

A few weeks in she started to try and repair things herself, in what now seems a very sort of quick-fix mode. I now realise that the situation was more irratating to her that worrying. I put my foot down and said "no i'm not having this, i'm getting my head round this once and for all", since she'd tried to repair it that way before herself and evidently it didnt work. Well eventually i got my head around enough to look forward and contacted her (this would've been about mid-february by now). She said she'd been missing me as well and sounded looking forward to making up again.

Oddly nothing happened. Although i had reinvented myself, she kept avoiding me like we had been through January, contradicting what she had been saying. I couldn't understand it. I felt sad and depressive again, now there was nothing i could do but keep trying and hope she would eventually give in to the friendship again. I tried and waited several weeks a few months passed and i gave into the fact the friendship was never going to be as good as it was before everything happened. It dawned on me that she just wasn't interested in knowing me, i came to see the bad points in her that previous-love has blocked from my sight. I noticed how she was manipulative, self-motivational to the point of disregarding friendships (not just with me), snappy and had a hint of threatening to become bitchy at any moment about her.

I woke up and looked at myself one day and thought "no more. This is all 1-way, and there is no such thing as a 1-way friendship". I stopped trying, started to wake up to how much of a scapegoat i was being made into. I began to move her out further and further out of that ring of importance every week. By the end of college it must have had an effect on her because she started to try and get my attention in that sort of quick upfront tactic, but by that time i'd started to move on, i just wasn't interested anymore. I always think whether i should've jumped at the chance to be her friend again, but none of my true friends have ever just dropped me over time regardless of anything, they've kept interested. I'd experienced too much long-term pain to want anything back from her. A good saying i like, good to remember:

Your Heart is like a doormat, bfs/gfs will walk in and out of your life, but your friends are the ones who leave the footprints.

The reason why it affected me for such a long time was not just because of the past-feelings back then, but the fact that something i was struggling to stop happening happened anyway, and now i look back on it, i couldn't control it - but i know i did everything in my power to prevent it. She said herself in a pathetic lil email once that she admited the reason things had messed up so much was partly her fault. I agree, that part being about a good 90% of it! I saw her the last time at the College Leaver's Ball and haven't seen her since, it feels great! And since my life has continued upwards, not as fast as i'd have liked, i always felt a slight noose around my life living in the same town as her. Now i've moved to a Uni in London, and life here i great, i've just had a really good evening with some new found close mates, and i feel free from the past now. Can't wait for the next girl to enter my life!

So that's it really. Still feel like there's little things i could include, but that'd be looking too deeply into the past, not as if i haven't just there....heh. I have little guilt-trips about a decision that's been nudging at me for a few days/weeks now: to delete her from my MSN and my phone as it seems stupid to still have her contacts when i plan never to use them. Agree?

[giulia]

Agree. delete. It's something I started doing a few months ago, as soon as something ends with a friend or relationship, delete their info. It sets you free.