Heart breaking:does he love me or not? Help!!!

[Katherine]

I have known my boyfriend for 3 years and we've been in a relationship for over 2 years, though most of the time we lived in two different towns and sometimes even two different countries.

I'm a Chinese girl and he's an American. Unlike most of the Chinese girls that just want to hook up some foreigners in bars to change their lives, I knew my boyfriend from work. 3 years ago, he was transferred to China and I worked as his translator and secretary. He left me very bad impression on our first meet in America, because he was so proud and very cold. But in China, everything was changed. He worked very hard and he's highly intelligent. His working attitude attracted me. And just very soon, I fell in love with him and we started a relationship. I had to leave the company and went back to my hometown where I got another job. And he came back to my hometown every weekend so we could see each other.

This relationship was full of bitter and sweet. I am the only child and from a rich family. I know I am kind of spoiled sometimes. He really hates that but I have been trying to change myself. He grew up with 9 brothers and sisters and had a very hard childhood. He moved out from his family when he was very very young and all lived by himself. Besides home school, he never went to any school or college. All of his knowledge and experience were from real life in a hard way. He is short tempered and very defensive, doesn't trust anybody. I guess it is because of his childhood, like he was hurt before. But I grew up from a sweet family and always believe the world is beautiful. I also get hurt by some evil people sometimes, but I still choose to trust people that deserve it. And I'm very patient, tolerant, easygoing and sweet. So we are two totally different persons.

But I do love him. I gave him everything. Between my family and him, I chose him (my family didn't like western guys). Between stable and rich life and him (he is not rich at all and he doesn't want to get married and kids because he doesn't trust marriage), I once again chose him. I sacrificed and compromised so much only to be with him. But what I want from him was just he can call me every other day, or emails me or replies to my emails, say happy birthday to me on my birthday, or just be sweet. But I feel very disappointed. It is always me calling him. I know he hates to talk on the phone (he even has no mobile back in America) and he never says happy birthday to anybody, but I still feel very hurt sometimes. He even rarely replies to my email. It is true that he DID lots of sweet things, like he would have me on his back, walking long distance on the street because my shoes were uncomfortable. He invited my family to dinner before he left for America even though he knew they don't like him. He hates to talk on the phone, but still talks with me for more than one hour every time I call him. Drilled a small hole on a pink pick (he plays the guitar) and put it on my necklace so I can wear it. He always teaches me stuff to make me a better and stronger person, like moving out from family to get rid of the manipulation of my parents and being independent, protect myself, save my money...etc. And we always have great sex. But he never says sweet things.

He went back to America in Jan., 2008. Since then, we could only talk on skype every weekend. We kept this unbelievable long-distance relationship till now. And I went to America to visit him this summer and we stayed together for 1 month. This was the only time we stayed together after he left China last year. There I learnt he's not in good situation (he never told me on our phone calls I guess because of his pride). I just feel so sorry for him and when I saw his hair almost turn all gray in only one and a half years, I just felt so upset and a sharp pain in my heart. During this one month, he was still the same as before when he was in China. Sometimes very sweet but next minute just change into a different person. I asked him about our future, but he didn't give me a clear answer. But he said I would be the one if he wants to settle down. He brought me to visit his best friend there and I was the only girl he brought there. He introduced me to his brother that he lives together with and I also lived there. He hates to spend money but still drove long way to show me around the town. But he just cannot love me. He said girls always change. When they love you this minute, they may love others next. He said many girls told him that they love him but only in months they disappeared forever because he never called or did things that they like. He also said the day when he says love it must be true, not just like some one to say that like "hello" or "how are you".

I understand there must be some reason for him not to say that and now I learn to accept that because the one that I love is not a normal guy. As long as he has me in his heart. Sometimes I am very sure about that. But sometimes I become confused and doubt if he has me in his deep heart. Now I am back in China and working. He is in America, unemployed. I don't know where our future is. China or America? What's his plan? He never tells me and just said he never worries about future and just live today. He even blames me for being worried about future all the time. But it's normal for a girl I think. So what shall I do? Shall I continue to wait for him? I have been waiting for three years. Does he love me or not?

P.S. He's a very serious guy and always pays attention. He is always serious with everything that matters, esp. his work. Now he is trying to sell his car. Many people are interested, but he refused because from the phone calls he knew that those guys were not serious guys. I told him just to sell it and get the money he needs. But he said: I only sell my car to someone that appreciate it. Someone that I know will not abuse it. It is a very old car. And every owner of it took good care of it so that I can last till now. As long as I know the buyer is that kind of person, I will not sell it only because of money. I told this because I want you to know what kind of person he is. So now please help me.

Thank you.

[FullofSighs]

Ok, i think your reading into it a little to much, from what you say, with his hard childhood it is hard for him to trust people. So trusting you must be like killing him, but he is trying, when he is not sweet to you, he is probably reflecting on his past and how he can't trust people and what not. In fact i think he does love you, he just wants to be 10000000 % sure its love you both have for each other, and not just a "word" thrown out there, cuz if you really think about it, here in america, that word is thrown out there so much, its hard to know what love really is.

[Katherine]

Thank you so much for your response. But the thing is he has no any plan for future. And my friends, my family keep pushing me and they tell me that means he doesn't love me. I'm just so afraind that he may has lost the ability to love. Or it maybe also is because he's not in good situation (unemployed), which makes him cannot make any committment or tell me he loves me. I don't know. But I told him many times that I don't need a Bill Gates, I just want him. He's rich, I love him. He's poor, I love him. Because it's him.

[FullofSighs]

From what you are saying, i believe he loves you, and a lot, if the statement you made, "But he said I would be the one if he wants to settle down" is true, then he does love you, from his past and what you said, he wouldn't had ssaid that if he didnt love you

[Katherine]

He did say that. But the problem is he never said when he would be settle down. It could be forever. Sometimes, I even believe he said that is because he cannot find a better one not because he loves me. Anyway, I love him so much that I cannot leave him. I will just wait for that day to come. Thank you.

[FullofSighs]

No prob, hope what i said helped you at all. Maybe its just hard for him to know when he can settle down and what not, but i hope all goes well for you!

[Katherine]

I have one more question here. Is it true that some men are afraid that they will be controlled by their girlfriends once they tell them they love them? Because my boyfriend always wants to be dominant. Sometimes he let some of his feelings out of him, but right after that he might do or say some thing to make me disappointed. Like he used to tell me he loved me once, right away, he told me: just for 1 mintue. And looked at his watch, told me after one minute: now I don't love you.

What is he scared of? Would you please give me some suggestion on how to encourage him to express his feelings and let him know that even though I know he loves me I won't hurt him.

[Katherine]

Love really can be frustrating sometimes. Esp. for girls. It's so hard to understand what man is thinkinng.

[FullofSighs]

It can be just a frustrating for guys, no offense to girls, but most of the time they are picky and sometimes controlling, maybe you can tell him that he can express how he feels to you and that won't change you in a bad way. But if you know he loves then why does he really have to say it? Maybe that is why he acts like that, maybe he feels that since you already know it it doesnt have to be said

[Katherine]

Sometimes I also feel the culture gap between us. Like in China, most of the guys treat their gf like queen. They do everthing that the girls want. Buy lots of presents, like flowers, jewellery, dress... But I'm not into these things. What I want is just the guy that can inspire me and make me passionate. And he's the one.

[Katherine]

anyone else can give some more suggestion?