Preparation for the impending gloom...

[Son of Night]

My girlfriend has become increasingly distant within the past few months. She's begun to become more preoccupied with her artistic endeavors and friends and less focused on our relationship. I've come to terms with that. I realize she needs to pursue what she loves more but I do secretly harbor some resentment. I've unfairly fallen by the wayside. Even if she's busy, I don't think a phone call at least every other night is too much to ask. I've gotten tired of initiating these things.

When we hang out there's no potential for spontaneity anymore. She's begun to succumb to her regimented work schedule and doesn't like to do anything these days. She falls asleep between 8 and 10 pm every weeknight. I am getting older, was hoping this relationship was going to progress into a live-in arrangement, and so I've been ok with the lack of recreational activities and more conservative lifestyle. More recently, even going to an early movie or having dinner at a restaurant hasn't been an option because she's so tired all the time. This has been bothering me for some time now. I'm no social butterfly by any means, but this wasn't how the relationship started.

I've become hyper-aware of her demeanor lately too. She's not as friendly towards me. There's less playfulness. Even as recently as a couple months ago, she used to say, "I'm the luckiest girl" and smile profusely at me. That hasn't happened in a while. Last time we hung out she had a strange, all-too-familiar look of discontent in her eyes.

We've never had a fight. People have inferred that's a little weird. Be that as it may, I think that's the only reason she hasn't given me the boot. I guess it makes it more difficult when there's no opening provided. I also recently got laid off and she's definitely smart enough to know that this may not be the most appropriate time.

I feel like I'm already going through the motions of a break-up. I've begun the moping, the lack of sleep, and have become more needy amongst friends. I think about everything far more than I need to, and it's hard for me to focus on things that could potentially distract me.

Despite everyone's suggestions to sit her down and have a serious talk, I'm too emotionally volatile to do it at the moment. In my last serious relationship, I tried this approach and inadvertently pushed the person out of my life, when all she probably needed was a little space to deal with things she had going on.

I don't WANT to break up with her. It's a juvenile way of looking at it, but I don't her want her to feel like a martyr and yet I almost want to beat her to the punch. I don't think she suspects I've even noticed things are off lately.

I want to believe this foresight will be my saving grace in the face of what is showing signs of being one of the most heart-wrenching breakups I've experienced. I handle these things terribly. Am I bracing myself appropriately, or just ensuring a prolonged misery?

Any insight would be appreciated.

[someonelse]

I've personally never been comfortable in a relationship that we've never had a fight or a disagreement. It bothers me because I feel like the person doesn't care enough to make their point and that makes me nervous because I think if you want a long term relationship you need to understand eachother. It makes me feel like the person is thinking eh it's ok it's not like this is goin to last watever. At any rate it's obvious ur both going through somethings that you may need to handle on ur own. If u don't u'll probably end up resenting each other...which seams to have started already. You guys should take a break but u should set a time on it. Like say lets take off a month and see what happens. Then get together after that see if ur good for each other or it's time to move on. I hope it all works out for you.

[Cain]

Honestly, this is going to bother you way too much and you really do need to sit down and have a talk with her about it. If the relationship is meant to last, you won't push her out of your life if she doesn't want to be unless you approach it the wrong way. Maybe you approached your ex with this situation the wrong way and that's why you pushed her out? Maybe you were accusatory? How did you handle it with your ex?

[Son of Night]

When the subject was broached with my ex, it was poorly-timed ( I think she was out w/her friends) and I pretty much gave her an immediate ultimatum. It was handled very immaturely on my part. I told her if she couldn't make up her mind, she obviously didn't love me and we should break up. So we did.

I mean, I know I this time I am capable of addressing this without the drama. It's completely true that this is beginning to consume my thoughts and that it's probably unhealthy to just let it go on the way it is.

On the other hand, I see her so seldom, it's hard to gauge feelings. I keep thinking, "next time we see each other things will feel better. She's just exhausted tonight." There's the remote possibility that I'm reading too much into things, but I think it's more likely I'm in denial.

[Cain]

If you're reading too much into things, SHE should tell you that when you talk to her. Communication is important. If my gf had ANY problems or concerns, I'd want her to address them asap so we could work them out. Bottling them up makes things worse.

[Yacker]

I was in a relationship once in my early 20s where we did no fighting at all. It was not good as I found out after the 2 1/2 year relationship fell apart quickly. I totally believe you cannot successfully have one without having some problems and working them out. You are sitting idle hoping for these things to work themselves out but I bet if you were to at least take some action maybe it would show her you cared and noticed the current state of it. I think if you are to just do nothing things will not work themselves out and perhaps this might be happening because of it. Show her you care dammit!

[misombra]

i agree with the others. sometimes a fight where people are emotional and feeling vulnerable and insecure is the key to some kind of growth. which you are not doing. you're in fact shrinking.

truth is you're at your most vulnerable right now. there's the risk it'll end but there's always that risk.

if your desire is to not have things end, then you'll have to fight it out.

"in order to find safety, one must go to the heart of danger." -bruce leeroy.

[Cain]

Definitely... you HAVE to have arguments and little fights every now and then. It is necessary so that you can learn to deal with it and overcome it. If you never argue, eventually you will and you both won't know how to deal with it.

[Darkest Heaven]

Just from your writing, you remind me of me a few years ago. Whatever you do, don't let this get to you as much as it already is. Things like this changes you.

Ask for an hour, go over there, talk calmy to her, explain how you feel, and she will let you know what's up. There is a difference between "need some time", and "this guy isn't important anymore".

[Mish]

I mean, I know I this time I am capable of addressing this without the drama. It's completely true that this is beginning to consume my thoughts and that it's probably unhealthy to just let it go on the way it is.

On the other hand, I see her so seldom, it's hard to gauge feelings. I keep thinking, "next time we see each other things will feel better. She's just exhausted tonight." There's the remote possibility that I'm reading too much into things, but I think it's more likely I'm in denial.

The talk doesn't have to get out of control like it did with your ex. You can formulate your talk stating your personal needs, asking for what her personal needs are and proposing how both of you can work together to get these needs met. It will all depend on her reaction and compliance from then on.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe YOU need to pursue your own interests as well. It's possible that she doesn't want to break up with you, she just wishes you were a more dynamic, self-entertained guy. There's no reason to mope yet. In fact, moping is one of the most unattractive things you could possibly do right now. It's completely defeatist. Yuck.

Get off her bra strap and find something else to do besides waiting by the phone.

[Aegis]

mmm...bra strap...hopefully I can coax one of those off this friend I'll be seeing at this wedding I'm going to. Would have happened last time I saw her at the last wedding we were at, but I got too damned drunk & passed out. It's still killing me.

[Gigabitch]

Watch, she won't wear a bra this time, just to confuse you.

[Aegis]

lol, it would probably work. I'll have a couple days to do this, but the danger is that she'll find someone else to occupy her during this time, so I'll have to get unconfused the first night.

[Gigabitch]

Hint: Unconfused = not shitfaced.