How to tell her that we need to talk?

[foolinlove]

Hey all

Please don't be scared by this insanely long post. I've included cliff notes at the bottom, and I realize that not many if any at all will even read all of this, but it helped putting it down on paper so I'll leave it there for people to read if they want...

Here goes:
I've had a couple of threads on here already about this girl from work that I'm head over heels in love with, lets call her Jessie. To sum it up, she's 29 and has a kid who just turned 6 while I'm only 22. The last half a year or so we've become REALLY close friends and spent a lot of time together. We've ended up in bed together a couple of times after partying too...

The last time she told me, in the middle of the act, that she really didn't want to do this because we had agreed upon only being friends. We've flirted and made out a couple of times since, but never taken it further because of this.

I've made it obvious to her that I was interested in being more than friends (without actually telling her, though) and had decided on taking it slow since I know she has to think about her son which I fully understand. As I said, we've spent a lot of time together doing all kinds of stuff, generally having a good time and flirting when partying, so I was under the impression that things were going along fine and that she'd eventually be ready to be more than friends.

Then this weekend we were at a big festival party (we're talking 10,000+ people from all around the local area). I live some distance from the town the party was at, so I didn't meet quite as many old friends there as she did, but we were there with a lot of people from work, so that was no problem; I was having some beer talking to colleagues while she was going around talking to old friends.

Then suddenly, I see her in the other end of the party-tent making out with another guy (who I later found out was an old friend of hers from school).
Boy, did it hurt inside when I saw that! I had to go outside to deal with what I just saw, so I told the people I was talking to that I had to go to the bathroom and left. Apparently another colleague (I'll call her Beth) had seen my reaction and turned around and seen Jessie with the other guy too, so she followed me outside.

Beth is a friend of us both, and she told me outside that she had been wondering for a while if we had something going on between us. She said that she fully understood how hard it must be for me seeing Jessie with that other guy, and convinced me to follow her back inside to rejoin the other colleagues. I wasn't really in a party mood anymore though.

After a while Jessie comes back to our table and the three of us talk for a bit (like nothing had happened). Then as I'm saying something to Beth, Jessie suddenly leaves going straight to the other guys table where she practically jump him and start to make out again. I look at Beth, and I was ready to break out in tears but managed to hold it back, because no other colleagues knew about me and Jessie (most had a feeling there was something between us though).

A couple of minutes later Jessie returns to our table, bringing the other guy. They go straight to where I sit and she tells him who I am (a colleague), and that I was "the best". I look at him, give him the hand and say hello. Then I stand up, and pull Jessie aside telling her that I'd like her to come outside with me for a bit because I had something I'd like to tell her. She tells me that I can tell her later tonight (we had already made plans to sleep in a tent in another colleagues garden). I insist that she come outside with me, but she wont. I then leave on my own.

Again Beth follows me outside and tell me that we should take a walk so we could talk a bit. I end up pouring my heart out to Beth about how I feel about Jessie. I've never told anyone before, except this board, but she was very understanding and it really helped talking to someone about it.

She told me that I had to tell Jessie how I really felt, and I have no doubt that she was/is right. We agreed that our conversation would stay between us (she had told me some very private things too, that she didn't want anyone else to know about), and decided that we needed to go and try to have some fun, so we went on a few trips in the bumper cars, but I really wasn't able to enjoy myself

Later in the evening we met up with some of the other colleagues who are leaving for some bars. They're the people we normally hang out with so we join them. Jessie is with them too, and she told me she had been looking for me because I had wanted to talk to her earlier.
As we walk to the bars I tell her that I have more feelings for her than she know of, and she replies that she already knew. I tell her that I want to be more than her friend, but she says that we shouldn't because I was to good for her, and I took to much shit from her.
I told her that I had no right to interfere with what she was doing as long as we were only friends, but she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship with the reason that she was "too much of a *****" and didn't want to mess me up. I don't recall the rest of our conversation clearly, but it ended as we arrived at the bar with me telling her that she should always put her son before anything else and she replied that she always would.

For some reason we didn't continue the conversation after entering the bar, but I don't think that's such a bad thing because we were both very drunk at this point. We spent the rest of the evening at various bars partying as nothing had happened (although the episode was on my mind the whole time).

The next day, I had planned on talking things through with her, but before the opportunity came, a friend of hers came over so we just spent the day trying to cure our hangovers, before I went home.


A couple of days have passed now, but I can't seem to get this out of my mind. I haven't been myself since that evening, and I'm thinking about her all the time. People around me have noticed this too, and in my department at work they even talked about how quiet I was this Monday but I was able to make up a plausible excuse for that (they practically made it for me, I just agreed).
I don't feel that Jessie and I've texted each other as much the last couple of days as we used to either, but that could also just be me worrying too much.

I've realised that I need to talk this through with her, but I don't want to do it over the phone, at work or while her son is there (and she probably wouldn't want to either), so I have to wait until next week

The last couple of days I've been reading some in the break-up section, and even though this is not a break-up since we haven't even officially been together, I'm thinking that I might have been too clingy lately. It has mostly been me asking her if we should do stuff together and not the other way around.
I think it might be a good idea if I let her initiate things for a while, but I really need to talk things through with her.

Does anyone have any advice on how to tell her that I need to have a talk? Just dropping by is not an option since she works late hours next week and she lives about 30 miles away from me.



CLIFF NOTES: Best friends with the the girl of my dreams, and thought I was making progress towards being more than friends. Saw her making out with another guy at a party. Haven't been myself ever since, because I'm thinking about it and her all the time. Need advice on how to tell her that I need to talk...

[No Bodies Hero]

Just be blunt with her, tell her that you like her a ton. If not just be there to be her friend and start to look for other women. I am in the same boat. It didn't work out. But it may for you. Who knows. Not I....

[shh!]

Wow - I must be really bored, 'cause I actually DID read that whole thing!

FoolInLove - It doesn't look to me like there is really anything to discuss with her. She was pretty clearly letting you know she is not interested in you in "that" way. I think you ought to find a new girl to give your time to - one closer to your age and without kids. 22 is usually too young to be dealing with child issues, anyway.

[Asip4u]

Dude, i feel for you. Been there, done that. It wasn't too pretty but i really don't think you'll be able to stay friends if nothing else happens. You're obviously deeply in love with her and it's ALL or NOTHING situation, IMO. Tone, you should comment on this too since it's something you've dealt with.

[indigosoul]

Mmmm. Well, this part about sums it up to me:

As we walk to the bars I tell her that I have more feelings for her than she know of, and she replies that she already knew. I tell her that I want to be more than her friend, but she says that we shouldn't because I was to good for her, and I took to much shit from her.

she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship with the reason that she was "too much of a *****" and didn't want to mess me up.

she should always put her son before anything else and she replied that she always would.

Pretty unequivocal, unless you have reason to think she wasn't being completely truthful. If this is that important to you, I would simply revisit this conversation and ask this:

ARE YOU SURE? DON''T HOLD BACK, I CAN TAKE IT BUT I NEED TO KNOW.

If her answer is the same, thank her for being your friend, tell her you can't be and want more, then move on. Sorry, guy, if thats so. Good luck.

[Asip4u]

I tell her that I want to be more than her friend, but she says that we shouldn't because I was to good for her, and I took to much shit from her.

Why does this part have bs written all over it?

[shh!]

She's trying to let him down easy...

[Asip4u]

She's trying to let him down easy...

I know shh!, but why do people do that? I mean, keep dragging the guy into the situation as a friend so he can reach the stage of insanity? A lot of these guys will stick around as friends and go nuts because they don't get the reality.
No means no boys so...run!

[shh!]

I agree - she should have been more direct than she was. It leaves too much room for misunderstanding. Sorry, FoolInLove. There is certainly someone better for you, so hang in there.

[clynn]

she probably didn't know you were serious about her

[foolinlove]

Wow, this thread received a lot more replies than I had hoped for, so thank you all for that...

I don't really like the replies I'm getting though, but at the same time I can see that you're probably right

FoolInLove - It doesn't look to me like there is really anything to discuss with her. She was pretty clearly letting you know she is not interested in you in "that" way.

and

Pretty unequivocal, unless you have reason to think she wasn't being completely truthful.

As I said, we were both pretty drunk at the point of this conversation (we had both been in a beer chucking contest in which we placed second ) and it might not have been that smart to bring it up with that in mind...
I too see that it seems pretty straightforward from the answers she gave me, that she just wants to be friends. But then again she has been sending me a lot of signals pointing in the other direction too (see thread [url]http://www.loveforum.net/t7576-confused-about-her-feelings.html[/url]), so I don't know what to believe anymore.... And that's what's killing me inside

If this is that important to you, I would simply revisit this conversation and ask this:

ARE YOU SURE? DON''T HOLD BACK, I CAN TAKE IT BUT I NEED TO KNOW.

That's what I want to do, but at the same time I want to try not to be the one always asking if she wants to see a movie or whatever, so I don't really know how to get the opportunity... As I wrote I can't just drop by since she lives 30 miles from me and works the evening shift the weeks when her son is at his fathers place.
I guess I should just tell her that I really want to talk things through and take it from there...

I think you ought to find a new girl to give your time to - one closer to your age and without kids. 22 is usually too young to be dealing with child issues, anyway.

The age difference doesn't bother me at all and she does look a lot younger than she is too (not just me being blinded by love, other colleagues have tried guessing her age and have all been around 24). It might bother her though...
I know it might seem a bit early for me to deal with a kid, but we've already gotten to know each other pretty well and we get along great. I'll never be able to be like a father to him, I think he's already too old for that to happen, but I'm pretty sure I could manage to be like an uncle or something. I have no worries that this would be any problem. But then again she might be worried about this too

If her answer is the same, thank her for being your friend, tell her you can't be and want more, then move on. Sorry, guy, if thats so. Good luck.

I hope that I'll be able to deal with just being her friend if that's the only thing she wants. I have no doubt that it will be hard as hell, but I've already done it once before (half a year ago) and I was pretty clarified with being just friends after having asked her out a couple of times and then being told that she had a boyfriend (explained in this other bigass post by me: http://www.loveforum.net/t5809-how-to-act-(long-but-with-cliff-notes).html)...

[blue_moon2]

you said it yourself.

just say 'We need to talk' and she will know its something important. TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!

ive been in this situation exactly. it helps to tell them how you feel, then they will give you a straight answer.

foolinlove is right, it is as hard as hell, but i did it! i stayed friends with my guy and we are best friends now and we see eachother and he hugs me all the time and makes me feel great! im glad i stayed his mate.

[Tone]

Hrm, just read this. Sucky situation to be in, but I agree with the others in this thread. The whole "you're too good for me" crap is just their way of saying "I'm not interested in you like that" because if you meet someone you really want to be with, and you think they are too good for you, you make the efforts to change yourself and HOPE they will give you a chance, not turn them away saying "Oh you're just too good for me! I'm a bad person". Sad to say but this girl just been messin with your head most likely, try to move on, the sun will come up tomorrow.

[No Bodies Hero]

this thread wouldn't have anything to do with this one would it?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t8286-age-difference-what-are-your-views.html[/url]

Pixie is a 29 year old going out with a 22 year old. hmm

[Tone]

haha good call No Bodies Hero, that would be funny.

And I like your sig, although I've heard it reworded as:

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.